Sam Rockwell monologue about being an Asian girl on The White Lotus
From White Lotus S03E05 where Sam Rockwell reveals the reason he moved to Thailand.
Well you know I moved here because uh... I moved here because, you know well I had to leave the states, but I picked Thailand because uh.. because I always had a thing for Asian girls you know? And when I got here I was like a kid in a candy store. If you got money, no attachments, nothing to do... I started partying, it got wild. I was picking up girls every night. Always different ones petite ones, chubby ones, older ones. Sometimes multiple ladies a night I- I was out of control, I became insatiable, and uh... you know after about a Thousand Nights like that you start to lose it.
I started to wonder where am I going with this? Why do I feel this need to fuck all these women? What is desire? The form of this cute Asian girl: why does it have such a grip on me? Because she's the opposite of me? Is she going to complete me in some way? I realized that I could fuck a million women I'd still never be satisfied. Maybe, maybe what I really want is to be one of these Asian girls. You know? No really. So... one night I took home some girl, turned out to be a lady boy, which I'd done before but this time instead of fucking the lady boy, the lady boy fucked me. And it was kind of magical and I got in my head what I really wanted was to be one of these Asian girls getting fucked by me and to feel that.
So I put out an ad looking for a white guy my age to come over and fuck me and that guy looked a lot like me. Then I put on some lingerie and perfume made myself... look like one of these girls.... I thought I looked pretty hot. And then this guy came over and railed the shit out of me, then I got addicted to that, some nights three, four guys would come over and rail the shit out of me. Some I even had to pay, and at the same time I'd hire an Asian girl... to just sit there and watch the whole thing. I'd look in her eyes while some guy was me and I'd think... 'I am her and I'm fucking me'.
Hey, we all have our Achilles heel man, you know? Where does it come from? Why are some of us attracted the opposite form and some of us the same? Sex is a poetic act. It's a metaphor. Metaphor for what? Are we our forms? Am I a middle-aged white guy on the inside too... or inside could I be an Asian girl? Right... I don't know. Guess I was trying to fuck my way to the answer. Then I realized I got- I got to stop... the drugs the girls- the, you know, trying to be a girl. I got into Buddhism, which is all about you know: Spirit versus form, detaching from self, getting off the never ending Carousel of lust and suffering.
Being Sober isn't so hard, being celibate though, it's... I still miss that pussy, man. 
Well, you know, I moved here because—well, I moved here because, you know, I had to leave the states, but I picked Thailand because I always had a thing for Asian girls, you know, and when I got here I was like a kid in a candy store. If you got money, no attachments, nothing to do... I started partying. It got wild. I was picking up girls every night, always different ones, petite ones, chubby ones, older ones, sometimes multiple ladies a night. I was out of control, I became insatiable. And, you know, after about 1,000 nights like that you start to lose it. I started wondering where am I going with this? Why do I feel this need to fuck all these women? What is desire? The form of this cute Asian girl... why does it have such a grip on me, because she's the opposite of me? Is she gonna complete me in someway? I realized I could fuck a million women I'd still never be satisfied—maybe, maybe what I really want to BE one of these Asian girls. So one night I took home some girl, turned out to be a ladyboy, which I'd done before, but this time instead of fucking the ladyboy, the ladyboy fucked me. And it was kind of magical. And in my head, what I really wanted was to be one of these Asian girls, getting fucked by me, and to feel that. So I put out an ad looking for a white guy, my age, come over and fuck me. Found a guy looked a lot like me. Then I put on some lingerie and perfume, made myself look like one of these girls. I thought I look pretty hot. And then this guy came over and railed the shit out of me and then I got addicted to that. Some nights three, four guys'd come over and rail the shit out of me. Some I even had to pay. And at the same time I’d hire an Asian girl to just sit there and watch the whole thing. I'd look in her eyes as some guy was fucking me, and I’d think: I am her. And I’m fucking me. 
