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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


Greta Thunberg is the reason I work out.

    Greta Thunberg is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the UN climate summit after party. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her on CNN She laughs. I get my drink.
"Well, see ya," I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Greta Thunberg? She touches her neck as she watches me leave.
Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette.
"Got a spare?" she asks.
"What's in it for me?" I say as I hand her one of my little white ladies. She smiles.
"Conversation with me, duh."
I laugh.
"What's so funny?" she protests.
"Nothing, nothing... It's just... don't you grow tired of the egos?"
"You get used to it," she says, lighting her cigarette and handing me back the lighter.
"What would you do if you weren't a climate change activist?" I ask.
"Teaching, I think."
"And if I was your student, what would I be learning?"
"Discipline," she says quickly, looking up into my eyes, before changing the subject. "Where are you from?"
"Mexico" I say.
"Oh wow. That's lovely."
"It's OK," I admit. "Not everything is to my liking."
"What could possibly be not to your liking in Mexico?" she inquires.
"I don't like sand," I tell her. "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

    Gay Chicken

      In high school, I was dared to play "gay chicken", which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay, and the first one to chicken out loses. The other guy and I are both really stubborn, and neither one of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and we run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect that he's actually gay

      1 inch buddy

        Actually, I have my little 1 inch buddy over here. She's adorable. (I call my cock a she) You know, what I lack in inches, I make up for in width. My cock is fucking 2 feet wide, 1 inch long. Reminds me of my old cow betsy. Now that I think about it, I don't think Betsy was a cow, in fact, I think Betsy was a guy. Huh. Now I know I wasn't milking some udders, this changes everything. Guess I'm gay now. Fuck. Alright, back to jerking the old ween. I bet this relates to politics in some way. I don't know how, but I bet it does. You know, speaking of politics. I don't really like talking about it, but here I go talking about my political views. I personally believe that taxes should be raised for our government. Fuck you libtard. Suck my 1 inch cock.

        Doofenshmirtz Inc theme plays:

          "Ahhh Perry the platypus, I see you have fallen right into my trap!" Perry gets tied up on a wall, and leather wraps around his body tighter than an a boa constricter. Doofenshmirtz walks over slowly, his cock pressed hard against his pants. "Perry, my plan this time, is too punish you for foiling all my other plans." Perry shivers and shakes as Doofenshmirtz pulls out a bullwhip and walks up to Perry. "Get ready, Perry. It's time for you to become a true secret agent...man..." Doofenshmirtz hits him with the whip. Perry moans and his teeth chatter. Doofenshmirtz cums immediately, Perry notices and starts to jerk off his little Playpus dick.

          #NOPOOPCHALLENGE

            I just had the most immense, gigantic, catastrophic bowel movement while I was in the shower and started wiping a bit 😩 💦. SO WHAT I DID WAS I TURNED THE CRANK TO ICE COLD, GRABBED THE SHOWER HEAD, THEN FREEZED MY BALLS FOR ALMOST SLIPPING UP 😡. Furthermore, I retained my skid mark and will now proceed to work out.

Edit: I prolapsed after.... I am a fool. I will improve.

            I CURED HOMOSEXUALITY!

              I cured my son of the Big Gay. The other day, he came home for Christmas with his new partner. I was excited to meet her (and maybe MEAT her after my son fell asleep hehe), but imagine my horror when it turned out to be another man.

I immediately started to protest, but my son said "Dad, this is who I am. Zander and I are in love."

Without missing a beat, I turned around and said, "You forgot to say no homo."

But my boy simply scoffed at me and said, "Actually, dad, I AM a homosexual. That's right, your son is in love with another man." Then my son grabbed Zander's hand and looked at me defiantly.

For a second, I was utterly devastated. But then I thought to myself What would Trump do? So I stared straight at my son, penetrating his soul with my eyes (no homo), and said, "But that's gay."

As soon as I uttered those fateful words, my son began to convulse. He dropped to floor in some sort of manic state, spit pouring from his mouth as his eyes rolled back into his head. Zander tried to help him, but I pushed that dainty little queer away with my heteronormative strength.

After a full minute, my son opened his eyes and said, "Dad, you cured me of my homosexuality." Then, with manly tears of joy in his eyes, he pointed to Zander and exclaimed, "Let's get that homo!"

After we wiped Zander's blood off our hands and threw the little fairy into the cold, my son and I sat down with a beer and watched some football.

As we watched, my son turned to me and said, "Dad, I love you. No homo."

"No homo indeed, son," I replied. "No homo indeed."