Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
I found a dildo in my mom's closet when I was 7 😔😔 shit was scary .. 'cause I thought it was a real, I ain't know 😢 I thought it was a real nigga dick in the closet 😢 and I wasn't out searchin' 👀 for dicks 👷 the dick found me 😩 I was in the closet lookin' for snacks 😢 I saw a penis 😔 shit was huge 😔 .. and I was scared boy 😰 I ain't know what to do 😢 . . . so I took it and put it in my shoe box and waited for my dad to come home from work 😐😐 I had to tell somebody 😐 you don't just FIND dicks everyday in the closet 😢😢 and I didn't just put it in the shoebox and walk away .. no 😐 it was too risky 😐 . . . I carried that muhfucka with me everywhere I went like luggage 😢 .. my brother said "... What's in the box reo--" "NOT DICK 😩" 😐😐 And I think that sorta gave it away 😐 but I ain't know no better 😐 I was 7 😢 .. I'm in the bathroom takin shits next to the dick 😐😐 eatin' cereal with the muhfucka 😐😐 I asked the dick if it was hungry 😐😐 . . . Then finally my dad comes home 😐😐 I said "Dad follow me 😐" .. I went in the garage 😐😐 I put the box on the table 😐😐 I said "Dad there's a peterwhacker in the package 😐" . . . He said "What?" "THERE'S A DICK IN THE BOX DAD I DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE 😩" .. my dad opened the box, he said "What the fuck? Romeo where you find this at!" I said "I don't know dad 😐 it was in the box with the shoes you got me 😐" he said "Romeo . . . Where 😐😐 did you get 😐😐 the peterwhacker 😐😐" .. "It was in mom's closet dad ! I was lookin' for snacks 😩" .. I snitched 😢 Now I'm thinkin' my mom goin' to jail for cuttin' a nigga dick off and puttin' it in the closet 😢
So me and my dad in the living room .. my dad standing up, waitin' for my mom to come home with the dick behind his back 😐😐😐 like this was normal 😐 I said "Dad I don't think you should hold it like that 😐" he said "SHUDDUP Romeo" 😐😐 My mom unlock the door, my dad throw it at her 🍆😲 it hit her lip 😲 .. he said "WTF IS THAT TASHA !" .. my mom had groceries in her hand too 😐 she said "What" he said "THE BIG ASS DICK ROMEO FOUND IN YO CLOSET ! HE PUT IN HIS SHOEBOX" 😲😲😲😲 oooh you snitchin' ass muhfucka 😲😲 I trusted you 😲😲 you bald 😲😲 pecan head muhfucka 😲😲 my mom looked right at me 😐 .. "WTF YOU DOING IN MY CLOSET ROMEO!" .. 😐😐 I said "WHY YOU CUTTING PEOPLE PETERWHACKERS 🍆 OFF MOM" .. son , when I tell you she beat my ass with that peterwhacker boy 😢 like I ain't even do nothin' 😢 I was so mad 😢 I went in my room and called the cops 😐 I said "Hello 😐 yeah my mom got somebody dick her closet 😐" .. I snitched 😐 I had to 😐 she beat my ass with a dick, what was I supposed to do 😢
After weeks of sexual tension and a few events, I came to the conclusion that I’m in love with my mom. She gives me butterflies like no one before and kissing her feels so natural. I envision us being together and possibly giving her a kid. The other night we were laying in bed together and started making out (this is basically a nightly occurrence now) I was on top of her grinding on her pussy and I basically just said “mom I’m in love with you.” It kind of caught her of guard and her response was “what do u mean” and I explained to her that I wanted her to be my girl and spend our lives together. She said “fuck I wanna be yours forever” and we started making out a lot quicker and I fingered her pussy for a while before she said she needed to shower. I’m still not sure of our future but she knows how I feel about her.
So i, a 30 y/o male usually uses my dildo each day, and yesterday, i slipped in the shower and fell on it. It got stuck up my ass, which i had to go to the hospital to get it taken out. Reddit, please help me determine whether im gay or not for accidentally falling on my dildo.
So I was waiting in line to vote when all of a sudden this voting "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my voter registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm voter identity. Because o though he was a voting official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I voted I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy voting!
Part I
I was born into a family of non-yeeters. Every morning before I went to school my father would say, "if I ever find out that you've hit that yeet, I'll thump ya."
"Yes, pa," I would always reply. It was a regular occurrence for him to burst into my room unannounced while I was relaxing or doing homework.
"Y'all hitting that yeet?" he would seeth.
"No, pa," I would answer.
"Good." He would then walk out the room and shout, "If I ever catch ya, it's a thumpin'."
It was a difficult upbringing. I had seen my friends hittin' that yeet at school, and many of them encouraged me to partake.
I would swallow my pride. "No thanks. I don't wanna catch a thumpin' from pa." As a result, I was an outcast. A loner. I became depressed, knowing that I would never be like my peers, I would never fit in - I would never hit that yeet.
One day, when I was still but a wee lad, I became curious. I was in my room, watching Instagram videos of fellas my age hittin' that yeet all over town without a care in the world. My intentions got the better of me. I stood up, my knees trembling. Carefully, I leaned onto my right foot and raised my hand in the air.
I breathed in.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!"
My father burst from my closet. "I told you I'd thump ya if I ever caught you hittin' that yeet, nibba," he ejaculated. Then, he thumped me.
I haven't hit that yeet since.
PART II
Until today. This morning was my father's funeral. At the procession, my brother asked me to say a few words. I told him I only needed one.
With confidence, I approached the podium. I gazed out upon the gathering of sad faces. I cleared my throat and leaned into the microphone.
"Yeet," I spake.
Suddenly, my father leapt from his hand-crafted mahogany coffin, the gunshot wound still in his chest. He sprinted up to the podium with the energy of a man without a gunshot wound in his chest.
"Y'all hittin' that dirty fuckin' yeet at my funeral?" he ejaculated. He raised his hand to thump me.
"Not so fast, pa." I grabbed his hand. "Yaint thumpin' no mo'."
My father looked at me with eyes as open as the gunshot wound in his chest. A tear fell from his right eye, which also had a monocle. "The student becomes the teacher," he said.
"The student becomes the yeetcher," I corrected him.
You read the title, I just cannot believe I said the “g” word on accident. Am I even an atheist anymore? I don’t like religion or anything but like maybe it infiltrated me and is manipulating me to say “oh my g*d” instead of “oh my science”. Please guys it wasn’t me, I didn’t mean it. I’m very disappointed in myself, I think I need to go to science camp or go to therapy. What if I’m secretly religious? what should I do? Is my foreskin going to fall off?? Please can someone give me advice, any advice is appreciated.
Best regards,
-an atheist(?)
