Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
So I was taking a crap in the juul room (if you didn’t know they have toilets in there) and after I was done I decided to take a hit, low and behold it goes down the wrong pipe, now I didn’t learn until later you weren’t supposed to swallow the entire jul stick and you where supposed to suck on it, but somebody really should have told me that because I started choking and fell to the floor grasping my neck, luckily for me somebody happened to walk into the juul room before I actually died, and they promptly helped me get the jul stick out of my throat. I thanked him and he asked me what was going on in my pants, I looked down, they where wet but not a loose kind of wet, they were sticky, I had just busted the biggest nut of my life. Now I can’t stop every time I masterbate and cry myself to sleep in my room I have to stick a finger or something down my throat to get off, and what’s worse I can’t fuck my cat anymore because she is hard enough to fuck with both hands, its impossible to fuck her with one hand so I can use the other to gag myself. Lately I find myself getting closer and closer to death as I have to dress up as batman and tie a belt around my neck very tightly to even pop a half chub, one of these days im going to die in my room dressed up as batman with a tightened belt around my neck, and its all because of juul
As I exited my vehicle to walk into work I caught scent of a female in heat 73.35 meters upwind. Because of the fog I couldn’t see her yet but judging by the scent she was mid twenties, and healthy. My ultra attunated hearing was able to pick up her gait, which put her at about 5’6”. My mind, free of the constraints of porn and indecent imagery, was able to calculate her weight based on the ripple in the testosterone continuum produced by her footsteps as she walked away from me.
Being that I was 10 minutes early for work, I made chase and followed her through the fog still without visual contact. I was like a pilot navigating the white abyss by instrument alone. I was trailing her about 130m behind when I sensed her phone vibrate in her purse through the pavement. Holding my ear to the ground I was able to faintly pick up on the conversation she was having with beta BF. Based on the annoyed tone in her voice I knew now was the time to strike.
I readied my legs and concentrated all of my Testo-chakras into my Vastus Medialus muscles as I assumed a sprinters starting stance. I exploded forward in a cataclysm of sex hormone fueled rage. Exactly 2.54 nanoseconds later I began to phase through time and space as I meshed with the testosterone continuum. As I phased through the helpless female target I nutted directly into both of her Fallopian tubes, destroying her previously unbroken hymen and causing her to orgasm INSTANTLY. As I began to slow down 33.6 light years later, I realized that while she would have wanted to thank me for giving her the gift of my superior seed that she was already dead and gone having raised my CHAD progeny to repopulate the earth.
As I float into the the celestial abyss of the greater Crab Nebula I am not filled with regret for having left my world, but rather happiness for having left it a better place. You're welcome.
Steps up to mic, straightens tie, clears throat, taps mic. "This thing on?" Murmurs of assent. Clears throat again. "Minecraft good." The crowd excitedly begins to talk amongst themselves, many holding bated breath. "Fortnite..." A hush falls over the crowd, rapt attention held. "Bad." Suddenly, the crowd goes wild, screaming their praise, running over each other to hug a loved one. Whistles of elation are heard and many are seen sobbing. World peace is enacted in acknowledgement to this monumental speech that knit the world together.
I wake up at 5 in the morning like usual. Brush my teeth, shower, breakfast. All is as it should be. I say goodbye to my family, I will be gone for an hour while I do laps around the block. It is a cold, eerie morning with a shroud of fog encrypting the surroundings. I begin jogging away from the door, I glance back to see my family staring out the window. Crying over something, I’ll find out when I get back. For exercise waits for no man woman or crustacean. As I make my way around the first corner of the block I hear an arachnid like scuttling behind me. I jerk my head to see what in the devil is behind me. I see a blur of orange and black, I feel a forceful thump on my head and promptly black out. Soon the void receeds. With confused sense I still make out my situation. I am strapped to a chair in what seems to be a vine like mass SATA cables. What in the hell? there is not light in the room but a flickering lightbulb hanging overhead. I hear a familiar screeching voice from across the room. “Today we will be liquid cooling AND overclocking a Human Being! That’s right lady’s and gentleman, a live human being! But first a word from our sponsor, Glasswire!” I promptly faint , never to awake again.
It’s 2036. Your mom was an e girl with an onlyfans and your dad is a sadboi guitarist. 98% of the Caucasian male students in school are named Aiden. Every afternoon you come home to check on Mom because she still thinks posting memes about wanting to die are in. She sees you pull out your homework and you sigh. “No, mom. I don’t want to listen to Lo-Fi beats to study and relax to.” She looks mildly disappointed but perks up again. “No horror trap/witch house either,” you interrupt. SadDad walks in and pats you on the back, but not before saying “Aye, fam. You look a little upset, u wanna go get a face tat?”
So I walk up to this bitch (apparently right after she got divorced) and say "what's up Karen you wanna go for a jog this afternoon haha" and she's like "please just leave me alone" and I'm like "whatever bitch" and then like an hour later get called into our HR person's office and they're like "you gotta stop harassing Karen she's going through a lot right now, she's just signed her divorce papers" And I'm like "hah who'd married that skank, someone with a wheelchair fetish?" And my HR person (Hank) was well like "come on man, they've been married for 16 years. They've been having trouble since her accident last year. She thinks he blames her for getting into the accident that killed their kids" and I'm all like lol So I leave and I'm hungry so I go to grab my lunch (turkey and provolone) only to see, lo and behold, that dumb bitch Karen set her bag of lunch RIGHT in front of mine!! so I write out a note saying how glad I am to be working with her but if she puts her lunch in front of mine again I swear to fuck I will finish the job that God couldn't So I go through the rest of my day joking around with Karen every time I see her even though she is I giant cunt about it (my favorite was 'accidently' dropping a pair of scissors on her colostomy bag lol) and I have to ignore the picture of that fucking rat whenever I walk by her desk So I finish my day asking for her ex husband's number since I need a new wingman to look for some babes with and she fucking flips it and when she's yelling at me I'm all like "maybe if you don't want to get divorced you shouldn't have gotten hit by a drink driver you ever think of that bitch" and then she rolled away aggressively So that was my Thursday
