Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
It all started on May 15th 2004. As you can probably guess, I (420 months old) was watching Ukranian singer Ruslana bust out a filthy performance of "Wild Dances" for the Eurovision Song Contest Finale. I could feel a chub cumming on, but by the 69th smack of her tambourine it had turned into a beast of an erection. At first I tried to fight it back down. Yet, after 3 hours of meditation, listening to NPR, and replaying that one scene from The Passion of the Christ where Jesus gets nailed to the cross over and over, I realized this was no ordinary boner...
This was an everlasting knob-whopper.
I decided to keep it going as long as possible. Maybe get into the Guinness Book of World Records and finally prove to my deadbeat father that I was more than just "what you'd get if an autistic moose broke into a Taco Bell storeroom and subsequently cloned itself with shit."
Here is a list of the times it was hardest to stay erect (in order):
1. When Bush got re-elected
2. My grandma's funeral
3. Had a nightmare where I was the middle dude in the human centipede (this was before I learned to lucid dream)
4. Homeless guy kicked me in the nuts after I got kidnapped by gang members, tortured, and tossed out of a moving truck in the rain.
5. Colonoscopy
On the other hand, I came way too close to nutting when:
1. A stranger unexpectedly smacked my ass in Target when I bent down to look for stray quarters
2. Prostate exam in '09 (didn't know there were girl doctors - was caught off guard)
3. Watching the Dark Knight
4. When the cashier looked at me for more than 2 seconds in the checkout line at Spencers holding the mega thicc 19" monster dildo I bought.
5. When I came 69th in a Fortnite match (highest score ever)
Last night I finally decided to end it after watching my fave Only Fans performer lick jam off her feet for half an hour. The release was monstrous. My penis contracted so hard my shaft vacuum sealed and caused such pressure to build up that the next jizz rocket slammed a hole through my ceiling. I blacked out after that, and woke up in a pool of my own brogurt dazed and confused, but somehow, at peace.
Then I got thrown out of the Starbucks.
AMA!
The year is 2120
I've received my pink money from my beautiful and powerful female boss at my pink job so I can go buy some pink food at the pink grocery store.
Jonesing for a fruit salad
Approach a pink employee
"Excuse me where are the oranges?"
I realized my mistake too late
"I-I mean the pinks, where are the pinks at? haha"
The pink police arrive almost immediately
"This here is the rapist ma'am?"
"Yes, that's him"
10 years minimum in the absence of green penitentiary for sexual assault
It's okay I guess. Anything for equality as my mom's once said.
i am a gay man and i accidentally masturbated to straight porn. i was browsing a gay porn site, so you know, i figured there wouldn't be any women in my gay porn. i found one video whose thumbnail looked promising so i clicked on it and it started mid-sex. the bottom was facedown into the bed in some black lace dress. that should have been a big warning sign, but i assumed it was some sissy fetish thing. not my cup of tea, but the top was hot and really going to town on her so i stuck around.
after the guy (and i) finished, the girl sat up and that's when i saw it... her tits. you should have seen my face. a visage of true terror. i just sat there in shock, contemplating what i had just done. when i broke free of my stupor, i whispered "no hetero" but i fear it wasn't enough
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I'm gonna keep it short and sweet because I just came back from the hospital. Yesterday my friend John and I went to one of the clubs that recently opened up after the lock down. We were drinking and dancing and in general having a great time, considering it was just two lads at the club. Suddenly I notice a bag of pillies on the floor. The degenerate inside me gets almost an instant boner. So I pick the pills up and try to ascertain what they might be. I flip the pills to check for markings and in huge letters appeared the word "ROCHE". So I decided to google what they were, and lo and behold, I realized I had just stumbled upon some motherfucking roofies.
First I felt a little disgusted. Finding roofies on the floor of a club? Fuck this was almost 100% going to be used for something nefarious. Then, I felt a little relieved - this motherfucker just lost his rape pills thank fuck. Then, I felt a little excited - cuz they call me the boofmaster in my social circle (I hang out with other degenerates obviously) and I had never boofied a roofie.
So I immediately dip from the club. Tell John that I gotta get my boof on and he understood immediately. I go home and proceed to put an entire pill in my ass. Now, I have no idea how strong these were but holy shit. They knocked me on my ass almost immediately (no pun intended). I was quickly becoming incoherent so I decided to go to bed. Next thing I remember is waking up to three shadows above my head looking very concerned. One was my dad, the other two were nurses. I'm still in a pretty confused state of mind so I try to get up and see that what's happening. After I regain some coherence, I get updated on what has happened. Apparently my Dad came into my room late at night only to find me with my pants undone and drooling like a fucking mad man and my eyes rolled up. He freaked the fuck out and called the EMT on me. Everything is better now, but I still can't face my dad because he found the bag of pills and the EMT explained to him what they were, as well as the mode of ingestion. FUCK. Wish me luck boys, I have to go out for a family trip with him soon.
That's why when I was wrestling half my training regimen was spent strengthening my sphincter muscles. One of the better excercises was sticking a roll of quarters up my ass, then I would slowly and deliberately push it back out. I got so good at this the guys would hand me a dollar after practice, asking for change for the soda machine. The first time this was meant to be a joke but when my muscles became so refined that I could give the change to them one quarter at a time, the joke was on them.
The end result was that I became strong enough to lock-in my opponents finger(s) when he tried to check my oil, thereby incapacitating half of his mobility and strength. I can't tell you how many reversal points I scored off this, but it was worth at least two every match.
It's 30 years later and the ghosts of the cold war return. The toxic swamps of Florida become the battleground for the 2nd Vietnam War. The Government's only choice is to thaw out the man they put in Cryo-prison for a crime he didn't commit. Not only must he contend with the blood thirsty and dangerous Cyber-Cong, but also Mutated Backwoods Cannibal Hillbillies, Overgrown Gators and a Rogue US Military outfit lead by a man who he treated like his own son. This time War just got personal.
