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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


I wish I wasn’t gay so I could stop getting turned on by “deez nuts” jokes.

    Deez nuts copypasta
    It almost never fails. My best friend I got back home after baseball and he hit me with his infamous deez nuts jokes again. I hate that I fall for most of them and I hate how he delivers the punchline so sensually. "Imagine Dragon deez nuts across your face." "Deez nuts in your mouth" "Howsma cock feel in your mouth." "Stigma dick in your ass." At some point the jokes don't even make sense like "Let me stuff my cock down your throat." "Suck on my fat juicy nuts." Instead of me finding it funny, I just get turned on instead. I'm like "go ahead bitch I'm waiting." It's like that meme "jokes on you I'm into that shit." It's worse when we're sweaty, naked, adrenaline still pumping in the locker rooms after a game right before a shower and he pulls out his wonderful jokes. It's like he's *trying* to make me hard on purpose. I'm almost certain he knows what he's doing. But I kinda love it. I joke back with him too and he falls for mine but I still feel a lot of sexual tension. How could you look another man in the eyes and say "I'm gonna stuff my cock down your throat." without someone getting a hard-on.

    Ceiling fan DOES NOT work

      Jelqing is a penis stretching exercise.
      So, yesterday, I tried the Ceiling Fan Jelqing method from r/jelqing. It DOES NOT WORK!!!, and it is very dangerous! I lubed up my 2.34 incher cock and I tied a coarse rope to my cock and used a ladder to get to my ceiling fan. That is when it began, my 7 year old daughter came running in and accidentally hit the buttons for the ceiling can, the ceiling fan turned on and started spinning my cock around, I screamed at my daughter to turn off the ceiling fan but she was too terrified at the sight of my cock tied to the ceiling fan and started crying and covering her eyes. I first ran along with the ceiling fan in a circle but I was quickly outpaced... The ceiling fan started dragging me across the floor, my butt naked ass was sliding on the floor as I screamed in agony as the ceiling fan pulled my cock. this went on for a whole 1 minute until I realised the tip of my penis was becoming purple(at this point my 7yr old daughter was still screaming at the sight of my jelqing.) The shaft of my cock started hurting more and more until I realised I wasn't being dragged around on the ground butt naked by the ceiling fan anymore. I looked up to see half of my 2.34 inch cock swinging around tied to the ceiling fan by a short piece of rope.

In conclusion, I have now lost custody of my 7 year old daughter and am fighting a case against me for pedophelic sexual assault. have paid a total of $400,000 in fees to reconnect my penis back together. I have done 9 gruesome surgeries just to get 1/3 of my cock back.

      If you want to quit masturbation do this

        How to quite fapping in one easy step!
        If you want to quit what you need to do is simple. Everyone is familiar with post nut clarity. The Japanese know this as 'kenjataimu' and it makes sense that the country where you can buy used panties in vending machines would have a specific word for it, jesus fucking christ. I mean what the actual fuck Japan, this is why you are being punished by the heavens with an aging population, get rid of that shit bro.

I digress, it can be a feeling of overwhelming dread. Yet, a powerful ally. Say your toxic ex drunk texts you and you are starting to think "eh, it's worth it to get laid." Go bust a nut. The ol' wisdom wank. You'll be completely disinterested and not tempted. The wisdom wank will keep your crown intact.

What you need to do is take that overwhelming feeling of dread and carry it past the post nut clarity. Control it. Understand it. Master it. Even when you are at your absolute most depraved and horniest, bring up that dread and realize how much stronger it will get once you nut. Will it be worth it? If your answer is yes, then I will not be the one to change your mind. Be on your way.

It's as the ol' saying goes "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force that horse to stop chronically masturbating unless they want to stop." If you desire to break free from these multiple open tabs, and ads that go "ARE YOU REALLY WATCHING PORN BY YOURSELF??!" then you may be ready. The first step is waiting.

I'm not those guys on r/nofap im not going to tell you to keep a calendar of the last time you jerked it, or say you will gain psychic powers if you make it two months. We are not a bunch of guys cheering each other on as we edge constantly and talk about how this now makes us gods of enlightenment because we don't cum.

That shit is weird as Hell, and I don't get it, but they kinda have the right idea. Fucking weirdos though. And if you mess up and masturbate don't do what they do writing an eight page apology letter to a subreddit calling yourself a failure. Roadbumps happen, and you don't need to share that shit with us bro its ok thanks.

Plus, true enlightenment can come with nutting, Siddartha the Buddha literally spent years fucking whores in giant orgies before reaching enlightenment. Just curve that temptation, remember the dread, and if you got to do it use your imagination or some shit. That's what your ancestors did and they got laid, and now you are forced to exist because they creampied. It'll still help your neurons and feedback loops or whatever the fuck idk im not a doctor.

All I know is intimacy can't be replicated no matter how good VR gets, don't be a fool. Every nut is a gift, make it count.

Remember the dread, and hit the gym when you are horny. Take that unrelenting horny rage out on those weights, and get fucking jacked. Someday others make be flicking their beans or cranking their hogs to you, who knows, the future has yet to be written.

Those are the keys to salvation. Or you can go to a bunch of orgies and then end up underneath an orange tree talking to the sky or whatever the fuck Buddha did, that's fine too, whatever.

        i almost died becouse of dream stans

          Dream stans in a nutshell
          one day i went to twitter and said dream sucks. But then dream stans started to send me death threats. I didnt care becouse i know that dream stans are scared of going outside and wont come to my house. But then when i was jerking off. I heard dream stans outside singing the fatherless song dr*am ma*sk. I saw the dream stans and locked my door, but then edp445 destroyed my door. Then Obama came and showed grass to dream stans. Then the dream stans and edp445 turned into cum.And then i went back to jerking off to hentai.

          my friend is dreamphobic

            tw school and dreamphobia. please stay safe.

today at school my friend said she didn't like Dream. i was so angry. i got up in front of the class and said “You may not like Dream, but he saved my life. i was at my lowest point, but his channel saved me. sorry if that's not good enough for you.” and then everyone started to clap slowly and my teacher made her go to guidance. my teacher held me after class and said “I love Dream too.” needless to say, I got an A+ in the class.

            Keanu Reeves is such a gentleman.

              The original 4chan Keanu Reeves copypasta

              Started from 4chan circa 2010, it was a circlejerk story on how awesome Keanu Reeves is. Similar to the Flying Lotus story, it starts of believable but then turns to plain absurdity when Keanu breastfeed the niece. The story is often used for other celebrities or famous people as a joke. 

              When I was younger, maybe junior high, I got roped into watching my 3 month old niece while my sister got her hair done. SO when there i am, sitting in the waiting area of a hair salon with my niece, and who walks in, but Keanu Reeves.

I was nervous as fuck, and just kept looking at him, as he read a magazine and waited, but didn't know what to say. Pretty soon though my niece started crying, and I'm trying to quiet her down because I didn't want her to bother Keanu, but she wouldn't stop. Pretty soon he gets up and walks over. He started running his hands through her hair and asking what was wrong. I replied that she was probably hungry or something. So, Keanu put down his magazine, picked up my niece and lifted his shirt. He breast fed her right there in the middle of a hair salon. Chill guy, really nice about it.
              Oh man, that reminds me of the time I met Keanu at a hospital in Pittsburgh. We were there to see a Steelers game, and on the way into the stadium my mom slipped and broke her ankle. She was in a lot of pain. While we were in the ER, I looked over and saw that Keanu was there too. I’m a big fan so I said hello and we started up a conversation. After a few minutes he came over to my mothers bedside to introduce himself. He asked what was wrong, and Mom told him about her ankle, which was really hurting. Then he kind of looks around and asks mom if he can help. Skeptical, she said sure, just thinking that he was talking about thoughts and prayers. He closes the little curtain and puts his hands on Mom’s broken ankle. He closes his eyes, and suddenly this blue light starts coming from his hands. He directs his healing powers into my mother’s ankle, and under the skin we can see the bones reconnecting and healing. My mom started crying and speaking in tongues, but K remained steadfast. 30 seconds later she was completely healed and walked out of the hospital and got into the new car that K give us the keys to. Turns out he was at the hospital to cheer up sick kids and he gave away all his organs that day.
              The Weeknd | Abel Tesfaye
              I met The Weeknd 5 days ago. I got roped into watching my 3 month old niece while my sister got her hair done. So there I am, sitting in the waiting area of a hair salon with my niece, and who walks in but Abel fucking tesfaye himself.

I was nervous as shit, and just kept looking at him as he was sitting there with his phone and waited, but was too scared to say anything to him. Pretty soon my niece started crying, and I'm trying to quiet her down because I didn't want her to bother Abel, but she wouldn't stop. Pretty soon he gets up and walks over. He started running his hands through her hair and asked what was wrong. I replied that she was probably hungry or something. So Abel put down his phone, picked up my niece and lifted his shirt. He breast fed her right there in the middle of the hair salon. Chill guy, really nice about it. Would let him breast feed my niece again.