Skip to content

Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


Let me tell you about Julius Belmont

    Julius Belmont from Castlevania
    Let me tell you about Julius Belmont.
    
    Dracula was the incarnation of all evil guaranteed to resurrect at least once a century, until he met Julius. When Julius Belmont ices a bitch, he stays dead. Dracula's immortal soul got fucked so hard it reincarnated as a Japanese twink. That's right, Julius gave the lord of darkness the John Numbers treatment.
    
    Years later you get to play as Twinkula disciplining your pet castle and wannabe Dracula trying to fill the power vacuula. And it's all pretty tame until you meet Julius FUCKING Belmont, who is pretty FUCKING sure he said No Draculas. Some of you may remember the next part, because if you were young it's where you got your ass kicked to the sound of Julius' personal ass kicking mix. And once you think you've got him down he just uses Grand Cross, instantly kills you, and rips apart the castle in the background just because.
    
    So you finally get through all that and become Top Drac, only for Soma's bat-senses to kick in and he comes to a realization:
    
    "This motherfucker is sandbagging" "This is the hardest fight in the game and it's just Julius giving up because he feels sorry for me" "This is what Julius throwing a fight looks like"
    
    Julius is like "Sorry I only feel comfortable killing vampires not Japanese women" and Soma doesn't correct him, just runs off to punch the castle in the snout until it behaves because Jesus Christ you stony prick you're going to get me killed.
    
    And everything's fine until cultists try to get their hands on Dracula's stash again in Dawn of Sorrow. There you have to use touch screen to seal bosses or they'll resurrect indefinitely. Without sealing magic, you can't just murder bosses so hard so hard they don't come back--unless you're Julius Fucking Belmont. Fuck your touchscreen gimmicks, Belmont says.
    
    How old is Julius during the games? Late fifties. This is what old and busted Julius Belmont looks like. Julius Belmont in his prime cannot be depicted, for no game can contain him.

    My mom came into my room to bring me a plate of chicken nuggets and I literally screamed at her and hit the plate of chicken nuggets out of her hand

      It originated from 4chan’s /pol/ board after Bernie Sanders lost the presidential primaries to Hillary Clinton. The comment was actually an inside 4chan joke that is part of a series of tendies (chicken nuggets) greentext stories.

      Bernie losing primaries (Original)

      Holy shit. My mom came into my room to bring me a plate of chicken nuggets and I literally screamed at her and hit the plate of chicken nuggets out of her hand. She started yelling and swearing at me and I slammed the door on her. I'm so distressed right now I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to do that to my mom but I'm literally in shock from the results tonight. I feel like I'm going to explode. Why the fucking fuck is he losing? This can't be happening. I'm having a fucking breakdown. I don't want to believe the world is so corrupt. I want a future to believe in. I want Bernie to be president and fix this broken country. I cannot fucking deal with this right now. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I thought he was polling well in New York???? This is so fucked.

      NBA: Cleveland Cavaliers lost to Golden State Warriors

      Holy shit. My mom came into my room to bring me a plate of chicken nuggets and I literally screamed at her and hit the plate of chicken nuggets out of her hand. She started yelling and swearing at me and I slammed the door on her. I'm so distressed right now I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to do that to my mom but I'm literally in shock from the results tonight. I feel like I'm going to explode. Why the fucking fuck are they losing? This can't be happening. I'm having a fucking breakdown. I don't want to believe the world is so corrupt. I want a future to believe in. I want Labron to win a title for The Land. I cannot fucking deal with this right now. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I thought they were supposed to steal one in the Oracle???? This is so fucked. 

      Dota 2 Crownfall patch

      Holy shit. My mom came into my room to bring me a plate of chicken nuggets and I literally screamed at her and hit the plate of chicken nuggets out of her hand. She started yelling and swearing at me and I slammed the door on her. I'm so distressed right now I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to do that to my mom but I'm literally in shock from the results tonight. I feel like I'm going to explode. Why the fucking fuck is there no patch? This can't be happening. I'm having a fucking breakdown. I don't want to believe the world is so corrupt. I want a future to believe in. I want Clownfall. I cannot fucking deal with this right now. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I thought it was Circus Day???? This is so fucked. 

      Jerma playing Kenshi

      Holy shit. My mom came into my room to bring me a plate of chicken nuggets and I literally screamed at her and hit the plate of chicken nuggets out of her hand. She started yelling and swearing at me and I slammed the door on her. I'm so distressed right now I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to do that to my mom but I'm literally in shock from what jerma is playing tonight. I feel like I'm going to explode. Why the fucking fuck is he playing this? This can't be happening. I'm having a fucking breakdown. I don't want to believe the world is so corrupt. I want a future to believe in. I want jerma to stream good games. I cannot fucking deal with this right now. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I thought he was playing geoguesser???? This is so fucked. 

      I don’t see Crash Bandicoot, but I wish I could.

        Crash Bandicoot copypasta
        I don't see Crash Bandicoot, but I wish I could. Even since I was a kid, I had always wanted to see Crash Bandicoot. My friends would always talk about Crash and the apparently wacky stuff he'd be doing on the PlayeStation, but I never saw it. I never Crash crash or whatever the hell he actually does, and my friends, my frustrating, frustrating friends would never really describe what Crash Bandicoot does in any real detail. All I knew was that he was wacky and that the game on the PlayeStation was the most fun game of all time.
        
        I never saw him though. I watched them playe it too. I watched my friends playe Crash Bandicoot. but I couldn't see it. I thought they were jokeing with me, ya know? You ever joke with your friends? You ever had a mean joke with your friends when you were a kid? I bet you did. Because this is probably another joke.
        
        Why else would you mention Crash Bandicoot? I can't see Crash Bandicoot. I can't see his wackiness, whatever form that takes, in the games, not in YoueTube clips, not on box arts, or posters, or fan art, or whatever else Crash might be allegedly able to be seen in. Show? Was there a show? Not like it matters.
        
        And you're in on it. I can see that. I can't see Crash Bandicoot, but I can see that you know that I can't see Crash Bandicoot, and so what did you do? You teased me. You said, "Anyone else see Crash Bandicoot?" that laughed all hee haw like a lude donkey, didn't you? You did the laugh, didn't you?
        
        I don't appreciate that. I don't appreciate that one bit. All I've ever wanted my whole life was to see Crash Bandicoot, and look, pal, I was in a place where I was secure with the fact that it just isn't something I'm able to do, but look what happens. Some pud tugger like you goes ahead and teases me with a little Crash Bandicoot search. You rekindle a little ember of hope in my Crashless heart and set me out to scour the comic in search of that elusive Crash Bandicoot, but nope. He's not there. Or if he is there, I still can't see him.
        
        So, can you please log off your computer? You've done enough damage. I'm going to log off too, because I gotta relive all this Crash Bandicoot trauma.
        
        Thanks a lot, jerk.

        Okay so I actually dated Thomas a couple of years ago

          Comment
          byu/bip-artis-anic from discussion
          inFauxmoi
          Okay so I actually dated Thomas a couple of years ago and I can chime in on this!
          
          He was kinda quiet - the type of person who doesn't really lead any conversations, you have to put most of the effort in.
          
          He's one of those "born in the wrong generation" guys who loves old vinyls and vintage things. He's big into motorbikes and likes fixing them up for a hobby. And back then, he lived in a house in a nice part of London, but it wasn't like a huge house. Just a kinda standard London terraced house that would have once been for a working class family - 2 rooms up and down, a small "yard" but no garden or anything, and he shared it with a flatmate who was a childhood friend.
          
          So while he is obviously more wealthy and famous than the average person, he seemed kinda down to earth and modest.
          
          However he also never brushes his teeth, to the point he told me one of his back teeth fell out during makeup a few years ago. And his personal hygiene is kinda lacking.
          
          Also he loves milk. Like he drinks milk all the time and he'd always have a glass of milk on the bedside table when he was in bed. (After sex one time, I made him laugh while he was drinking milk and he spat milk all over my naked body and that is all I can think about when I see him in photos / posters now 🥲)
          
          So yeah, when I heard about him being with musks ex wife it felt like an odd pairing to me, but my assumption was that she's probably someone who is happy taking the lead and being the "trousers" in the relationship. Or it's possible she's very quiet too and they just have a lot of comfortable silences together.
          
          Either way, I hope he's started brushing his teeth and showering these days. And I hope she likes milk.

          You enter a Subway store, and it’s empty, slightly too cool to be comfortable

            Subway Experience copypasta written by Asterion

            Written by u/Aetrion under a TIL post of Subway closing their restaurants, it has become a copypasta most commonly known as “The Subway Experience”.

            You enter a Subway store, and it's empty, slightly too cool to be comfortable, slightly too damp to feel clean, and slightly too bright to be inviting. There is one lonely employee, who does their best not to look at you for those awkward 10 seconds while you walk to the counter before you're close enough to order. You know you interrupted them while they were doing something else. They give their greeting, ask you what you want, you begin scanning their workspace. The bins of raw ingredients are sitting askew, separated by steel walls, yet careless hands have dropped some of each on all the others. The preparation area is littered with crumbs and bits of lettuce, maybe the odd olive or onion piece here or there that has wedged itself into the crack between the food trays and the cutting board. This could have been cleaned up while nobody was there, but the employee doesn't care. For one second you wonder how it got messy in the first place given the lack of customers. Maybe it's staged, like those first few pennies in a homeless person's hat. Do you want it toasted? You do, but that would mean standing here for a minute with the stranger you disturbed waiting for the bread to be sanitized. You observe the employee assemble your sandwich, making sure to painstakingly put each ingredient on only one half of the sub. You ask for sauce and they squeeze it out of a disgusting rubber nipple, then toss the bottle back into its bin like they don't want to touch it either. Are they wearing those gloves to keep the food clean, or their hands? You pay, the sandwich heavily sags into a flimsy garbage bag it doesn't really seem to fit in and is handed to you. You walk out, into the light of the sun. The colors suddenly seem real again and you become aware of your breathing because the air feels rich and life giving somehow. The distant memory of tasty subs that brought you here lingers just beyond the edge of clear recollection, like an old acquaintance who's face you can't picture anymore. You carry your catch to the car. When did it get this bad?
            You enter a Subway store, and it's deserted, slightly too cool to be comfortable, slightly too damp to feel clean, and slightly too bright to be inviting. There is one lonely employee, who sheepishly pockets their tiny electronic escape window as the sound of the door drags them back to reality. They do their best not to look at you for those awkward 10 seconds while you walk to the counter before you're close enough to order. They give their greeting, ask you what you want, you begin scanning their workspace.
            
            The bins of raw ingredients are sitting askew, separated by steel walls, yet careless hands have dropped some of each on all the others. The preparation area is littered with crumbs and bits of lettuce, maybe the odd olive or onion piece here or there that has wedged itself into the crack between the food trays and the cutting board. This could have been cleaned up while nobody was here, but minimum wage buys minimum effort. For one second you wonder how it got messy in the first place given the lack of customers. Maybe it's staged, like those first few pennies in a homeless person's hat.
            
            Do you want it toasted? You do, so you spend a minute in silence with the stranger you disturbed, waiting for the bread to be sanitized. You feign interest in the cookies while the infrasound hum of some overworked piece of machinery builds to an unscratchable itch just behind your forehead. The toaster mercifully releases its hostage, and it is splayed open before you while you call out soggy vegetables to abuse it with.
            
            You observe as the employee assembles your sandwich, making sure to painstakingly put each ingredient on only one half of the sub. You ask for sauce and they squeeze it out of a disgusting rubber nipple, then toss the bottle back into its bin like they don't want to touch it either. It weezingly inhales the kitchen scraps and windex aroma that permeates the store. Are they wearing those gloves to keep the food clean, or their hands? You pay, the sandwich heavily sags into a flimsy garbage bag it doesn't really seem to fit in and is handed to you.
            
            You walk into the light of the sun. The colors suddenly seem real again and you become aware of your breathing because the air outside feels rich and life giving somehow. The distant memory of tasty subs that brought you here lingers just beyond the edge of clear recollection, like an old acquaintance whose face you can't picture anymore. You carry your catch to the car. When did it get this bad? 

            I owed a friend £22.91 for an Uber.

              Ken Change story of "I owed a friend £22.91 for an Uber.
I transferred them £22.19 by accident."

              Created by Ken Cheng, a comedian on LinkedIn, its a circlejerk story meant to poke fun at the hustler mentality of most LinkedIn users.

              I owed a friend £22.91 for an Uber.
              
              I transferred them £22.19 by accident.
              
              They never brought it up.
              
              Nobody would bring up 72p.
              
              I did it on purpose. 
              
              I've been doing it for years.
              
              Every time I have to transfer someone money, I "accidentally" leave off a bit.
              
              I call it the Plausible Deniability Typo.
              
              £24.37 instead of £24.73.
              £9.38 instead of £9.83.
              £3.46 instead of £3.64.
              
              Sometimes if I'm feeling really risky, I'll do £18.54 instead of £19.54.
              
              They'd look like a complete tool to quibble over this.
              
              Instead, they are a tool in a different way.
              
              A tool for me to get to the top.
              
              I've probably made £100 over 5 years.