Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
All these fucking cows around, as you do get at the cattle fairs. And then this one cow got this trapped wind, like--there's a technical name for it, but I don't know what the fuck it is. Anyways, this cow starts expanding like a mad thing, starts really ballooning up, and that's really dangerous, because they can die like that. And nobody knew what to do, til this short, tiny fella popped up. He was just passing by, like. And he takes out a fucking screwdriver and jumps into the pen, and everybody's going, "Oh fuck, no," like. And the short fella starts stabbing big fucking holes in the side of this cow, like. And we all thought he was mental, going stabbing a cow, like. But then the cow started deflating back to normal, because that's what you're supposed to do with a cow with trapped wind--stab the fucker. So everybody gave this short fella a round of applause, for being so on the ball, like. But then he starts giving us his whole life story about what an expert he is on fucking cows. And he says this gas that's coming out of the cow, it's the exact same gas as the gas in your oven back home. And everybody said, "Fuck off, is it the same." But the short fella said, "It is! Watch." And he lights the fucking gas, like! So there's this stream of fucking fire shooting out of this cow! And we were so impressed, like, and we gave him another round of applause. But the gas must have backed up inside or something, because the cow fucking exploded.
Best day of me fucking life, that cow exploding.
Last Tuesday, at about 9:30PM, I got a phone call from the local PD. My son was one of four teenage boys in a vehicle that was pulled over for suspiciously obeying all traffic laws. The police did a routine search of the vehicle, and while they did not find any drugs, alcohol, or weapons, they did find a paper grocery bag containing a Purator and over a dozen paladin minions. My son admitted that it was all his. They made him stomp on the cards and fling them off into the woods, gave him a warning, and called me.
While I am grateful that they didn't cite him for braindead gameplay in a school zone, which they easily could have, I have to admit that I feel like I am responsible for this in some way. As a father, one likes to imagine that his kids are somehow better than those other kids that you hear about messing with mana cheating and crap, but that is not always the case. There were warning signs with my son, and not only did I miss them, I dismissed them.
In all honesty, he has probably been netdecking since he was 12. I remember one time I lent him my credit card for the all-night pack opening he was participating in at his dirty friend's fireside gathering over in the shantytown across the railroad tracks, and they were all playing pirate warrior.
"But Dad! It's free wins! There's no other way to win!"
How could I say no? He would be ridiculed and that damage to his ego just was not worth it to me at the time. I let him stay.
Fast-forward a couple of years, and I catch him sneaking a pair of Disco Mauls into the house. When I confronted him about it, he was ready with his excuses: "It's for mech paladin, I promise." "You really need them for the burst damage." "Lots of people play pally”, etc.
I let it go.
But then other things started happening: his grades started falling, his vocabulary shrank, he started wearing a silver hand and calling 1/1 minions "dude," he lost interest in girls and hygiene. He stopped watching MarkMcKz, started the World of Warcraft free trial to get the level 20 Liadrin skin, and I swear to God that I once heard the voice of The Countess coming from his room. One of his friends even told me that he told a joke about "The Cooking of Stratholme" at school.
I ignored all of this, but I justified it at the time because Reddit is killing Third-Party Applications (And Itself). I had to keep up with the John Oliver pictures.
One night, however, I caught him red-handed. I walked into his room and saw that he was playing Mech Paladin, but something was off. He was holding a Sanguine Soldier and a Sinful Sous Chef, it was blindingly bad. I reprimanded him.
"Did I raise a moron? You'll mess up your radar detector draws, let me fix it."
He just grumbled. I walked over to do it for him, and he attacked me. He hit me in the jaw, and then started pounding me in the face when I was on the ground. I managed to subdue him with some secret ninja moves I learned in my special forces days and found, to my horror, that he was not even playing Mech Pally; he was playing Pure! I zip-tied him to his bed and ransacked his room looking for his account password. He laughed maniacally, and said I would never guess it. I looked him dead in the eyes and said: "You have brought dishonor on our family. You will not move from this spot until you tell me what it is." He stared back and did not say a word. I punched him in his stupid face and ransacked the house looking for it. I found it hours later scribbled on the inside of a notebook with pictures of the Horn of the Windlord plastered all over it. I dusted his Paladin collection right there, went up to my son's room brandishing the empty card manager, and said, "Never again." I left him tied up there for three days to prove my point.
Six months passed without further incident. He straightened up, quit checking HSReplay, all that shit. I thought I had done my job, but no. I just gave him more of an incentive to hide his habits.
Then this happened, and the proof is incontrovertible: my son is a racist. And now I am at this crossroads: is my son a racist despite me, or because of me? Did I give him my credit card too early? Was that diamond "Rin, Orchestrator of Doom" on his 6th birthday really for him, or for me? Am I to blame for all of this?
No. It's all his fault. All hail control warrior, my son can die in a ditch.
It happened in science class. The cheerleaders had just gotten back from practice and I was sitting directly behind the girl I had a crush on. Her bag was placed behind her and I saw where the bag wasn't fully zipped up and a pair of her panties were sprouting out the side. When I'm horny I barely think straight.. the lights were off and we were watching a science documentary on the projector so I thought I'd be able to get them without anyone seeing, I took them out slowly and kept an eye out. I thought I was successful.. I did many ungodly things with those panties.
By 3rd period at school the next day, all of the guys were calling me "panty boy" and I of course already knew what that was about.. the nickname stuck for the rest of the year and I'm still called it occasionally, mostly by friends. Me and that girl were kind of friends before and I was trying to build up the courage to ask her out prior, but I knew that was no longer possible. She never said anything about it, but she avoided me at all costs.. a lot of the guys would tease her for what I did, there were times I thought that I should stand up for her, but I was too much of a coward and didn't want to look "uncool" besides, how could the guy that did the pervy act be the good guy in the situation? So I just left it alone. What had happened was very humiliating for me, but I'm sure that what I felt was only half of what she must have felt..
I'm going to be a junior this year and I still can't stop thinking about it.. I feel disgusting for being such a little perv. I'm really contemplating reaching out to her and apologizing. Is that a good idea? or should I just leave it in the past?
So the other day, me and my homie were out and about, just vibin' and chattin', when I suddenly got hit with a stroke of genius. I was like, "Bro, I dare you to moan like a loli in these public bathrooms for 20 dollars." (NO HOMO)
Now, my friend was like, "Bruh, what kinda wild shit are you on? You think I'm a bitch, huh? Ain't nobody tryna hear me hollerin' like an anime girl in here." But I was like, "Nah, you ain't a bitch but you're close enough."
So we head into the bathrooms, and I start spinnin' this elaborate tale about "hentai basics"
My friend was skeptical at first, but I kept ratcheting up the tension and adding all these extra details about how lolis were known as sluts for saying uwu and those kinds of shit...
Next thing you know, my boy is sweating bullets, eyes wide as saucers, and I can tell he's about to lose it.
I hit him with the classic, "what's wrong, are you scared? You ain't gotta do it if you don't want to," but he wasn't backing down.
He takes a deep breath, looks himself dead in the mirror of the boys' bathroom and lets out the most ear-piercing, high pitched moans you could ever imagine.
People start banging on the doors, laughing while others are shouting... security's called, chaos is everywhere.
And me? I'm just standing outside the bathroom door, laughing my ass off and filming the whole thing for my cringe collection.
My friend comes stumbling out a few minutes later, looking like he just survived a near-death experience, and I'm like, "Bro, you just made my day. That shit was hilarious, take your 20 dollars."
Needless to say, we got the fuck outta there real quick before anyone could figure out what the heck was going on.
But man, I'll never forget the look on my friend's face when he let out those loli moans. It's such a classic.
Literalmente todos os velhos, velhas, crianças, e adolescentes vagabundos na calçada tavam olhando pra mim de boca aberta como se eu tivesse acabado de matar um muleque. Não tou exagerando nem nada quando digo que teve umas 100 pessoas que estavam parando o que tavam fazendo só pra ficarem olhando pra mim. Os olhos julgamentais desse povinho me deu uma sensação de mal estar.
Não é Porto Alegre a cidade sem conservadorismo, e sem vergonha? Não é Porto Alegre supostamente uma metrópole? Esse é o melhor que nós brasileiros podemos fazer?
É merda desse tipo que me faz querer fugir desse sul e ir para algum canto tipo Rio de Janeiro ou Recife. Fale o que quiser desses locais, mas certeza que me sentiria mais em casa do que essa bosta de canto
Minha namorada começou a chorar quando cheguei em casa. Os filhos dela tão tudo horrorizadas. Minha vó acabou de ter um ataque fulminante, e até agora quem me aceita de verdade é a vizinha do condominio que visito a cama dela todo dia
O Rio Grande do Sul não é um local seguro para homens calvos de meia-idade que querem se sentir livres ao caminhar. Por que o povo não aceita a gente usar sutiã esportivo e shortinho?
Agnt tava em call discutindo sobre tamanho ideal pra pênis, se tamanho importa etc e no meio da discussão ela disse que o ex ficante dela tinha 15cm e que era pequeno, chamou ele de broxa e talz.
Eu achei extremamente desnecessário ficar explanando o tamanho do pau dos caras pra gente aleatoria e falei que 15cm não só é considerado acima da média como também é considerado grande em certos países
Ela disse que essa "média" não tem fundamento nenhum e que achava pequeno sim e basicamente cagou pra todos os meus argumentos
Acabei me irritando e perguntei "será que ele tem o pau pequeno mesmo ou será que você é um poço?" E tbm chamei ela de buraco negro, fossa das marianas e de arrombada. Ela saiu da call e tá até agora sem falar comigo e ignorando minhas mensagens.
English version
Am I an asshole for calling my friend a black hole?
Agnt was on the call discussing the ideal size for the penis, if size matters etc and in the middle of the discussion she said that her boyfriend's ex was 15cm and that he was small, she called him a bitch and such.
I thought it was extremely unnecessary to keep explaining the size of guys' dicks to random people and I said that 15cm is not only considered above average but is also considered big in certain countries
She said that this "average" has no foundation and that she thought it was small and basically gave a shit about all my arguments
I ended up getting annoyed and asked "does he really have a small dick or are you a well?" And I also called it a black hole, a Mariana Trench and a break-in. She left the call and is still not talking to me and ignoring my messages.
