Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
Finally caught my GF pooping!
she always hide it by pretending like she doesn't, which I find sus. Once when we spent the entire weekend together I almost caught her but she had locked the bathroom door and by the time I got in she had flushed and was like "oh hey what's up?" pretending like nothing happened, although there was an OBVIOUS lingering odor. Anyway, this time I was prepared, sprung the lock and burst in on her mid-wipe. She frantically tried to spin & flush but I smacked her hand away and pushed her off the toilet to get a better look in (it was a goddamn big dump ). Caught red handed, I pointed my finger at her and said I FUCKING KNEW IT! Initially she tried to blame my cat but eventually admitted defeat.
I'm just happy I dumped her and now I am gonna find a GF who does not poop.
Caught my gf pooping…so I broke up with her. 😡 She said shes off to pee while were watching a movie, now shes been gone 5 minutes and i knew something was up, i knocked on the door and asked if everything is ok, she said yes she'll be right out…her voice was labored and i became suspicious…so i yelled "IM COMING IN!' she screamed no but there was no stopping this, i smashed through the door and i see her sitting on the toilet seat, i told her to get the fuk up, she didnt so i threw her off, i looked inside the toilet…just as i suspected, a goddam log, bitch u better pray this isnt yours. i looked around and saw no pet in site, I KNOW THIS IS UR POOP U WHORE, she screamed at me that im crazy and that shes calling the cops, all the while toilet paper in her hands. i told her no need to call the cops, im breaking up with u u some kinda poop whore. and that was that. I feel like a new man and off to find a woman who doesnt poop. 👌 Real men don’t settle for less…
be me
be sophomore in college
spring break
decide to go to San Francisco with a few of my bros >I had this one buddy, we'll call him Dave
Dave was a fucking wildcard, this dude would do just about anything for a laugh >In San Francisco after an awful red-eye flight.
Go clubbing every night, having the time of our lives
Eventually our trip was coming to a close, and we only had a couple more days left in San Fran >Decide to go clubbing again, for the third night in a row
After a few hours of clubbing we were pretty freaking inebriated >Finally decide to wander back to our hotel for the night
Begin to stumble back to the hotel, having a great fucking time
We are suddenly approached by one a San Fran's finest, a frighteningly emaciated meth addict hooker. >We are not interested in acquiring vanareal diseases from a crack whore, continue to walk
As we were about to walk by, this hooker said something that I'll never be able to forget >"I'll bet each of you boys ten dollars that you can't shit on my face"
Dave immediately takes her up on the offer, me and the rest of my friends are too drunk to care >Hooker takes us all down to an alley, then proceeds to lay down with her face upwards
"Okay try to shit on my face"
Dave goes first.
Dave pulls his pants down and exposes his bare ass >Just as he's about to pinch a log off onto this meth addict whore's forehead, she blows on his asshole
Asshole immediately shrivels up like a dehydrated raisin, Dave literally can not shit on her face
My turn next
I stand over her face, knowing that my ten dollars is at stake >I squeeze my bowels like I've never squeezed them before, and I begin to feel a massive shit log stirring within me
I had gained confidence, this was my shining moment >Just as I felt the tip of my shit touching the ring on my asshole, a great wind swept up from the prostitute's mouth and instantly closed the gates of my sphincter
Just as Dave had failed before me, I was unnsuccessful in my quest >Hooker proceeds to do the same to each of my friends, not a single one of us can shit on her face
Hooker collects sixty bucks, and we finish our joumey back to the hotel defeated >All of my friends and I quickly forget the experience, except for Dave
Dave becomes legitimately angy that he wasn't able to shit on the hooker's face >Keeps talking about how much he wants his money back
whatever.gif
Next day
Our plane leaves the next moming, so this night was our last in San Francisco >We decide to go around and eat dinner at the cheapest restaurant we can find (after losing our money to the hooker, we decided not to spend much)
Find this nasty "chinese" buffet
Eat a fuckton of food, tons of really spicy stuff
cont
Decide to go back to the hotel to chill and start packing
We get back to the Hotel, and a look of pure malice crosses Dave's face
"We're going to get our money back"
Apparently the chinese buffet was beginning to have a serious affect on Dave
Dave runs out of the hotel to go find the hooker from the night before
Friends and I have no choice but to follow
Dave doubles over in stomach pain, still running with the feriocity and determination of a tigress hunting her prey >Dave begins to groan and fart loadly, running even faster than before
Finally arrive at the alley where we met the hooker before
Sure enough, the same meth head prostitute is stading at the same comer
Dave groans through clenched teeth "We want to try and shit on your face again, double or nothing"
Hooker agrees
Takes us back to the same place as before, and lays in the same position >Dave stands over her face as I remain transfixed with anticipation
Before the hooker even had time to purse her lips in preparation of closing Dave's sphincter, he began to release an unholy anal terror the likes of which no man should ever witness
Dave lets out a defeaning warcry as legions of liquid shit spew forth from between his fiercly vibrating asscheeks >The hooker's screams of utter terror slowly become muffled as legendary proportions of post-digested spicy asian buffet cover her face and chest
The shit continues to flow forth as the floodgates of hell remain open >Hooker attempts to protect her already scat-buried face with her hands, which are quickly pushed back by the force of Dave's anal explosion
Finally, Dave's ass slowly putters and flarps itself to sleep >Dave turns around, bare ass quivering from the after affects of what can only be compared to a nuclear blast in order to assess the damage
The Hooker is literally covered from head to toe in shit, with a smell reminiscient of the prison cells in Auschwitz >She's not even moving anymore, she just lays still put into shock by the force of Dave's shit
Dave turns to us with a serious expression on his face,bare ass still exposed to the breeze
"Holy fuck I've killed her" >The pavement around the hookers head is also drenched in shit, giving the appearence of a grotesque brown halo
Dave quickly pulls his pants back up, and we all sprint away from the alley > Still don't know what happened to that hooker, or if she even survived
You all might wonder why it took me so long to start masturbating, it is because I didn't even know what masturbation is and how it feels when I was in pre-puberty. No one talked to me about it. I think I was pretty lucky because my life would have been ruined if I started masturbation at an early age. As of now, I am studying computer science at one of the top five universities in my country. I am successful to an extent. Now getting to the point.........
I read many confessions on how people are seeking help to stop masturbating, telling how they regret doing it, how it physically weakens them, etc. and I thought I was lucky to not get addicted to this. I was happy and all and also when my friends ask me if I ever masturbated, I would proudly say no, for which they start to suspect me that I was lying which indeed I was not. I in return asked them if they ever did that, and the response was pretty much expected.
Everything was going well, but today, I wanted to experience masturbation and how having an orgasm feels. Right after my mom left to get groceries, I locked the main door and headed to my room, and pulled my pants down. I started playing porn (yes, I watch porn but never masturbated to it) and was about to hold my penis to jerk it. I felt that this would make more sense to do it in the bathroom so I can clean it all up after I ejaculate. I headed to the bathroom, pulled my pants down, held my penis with my left hand and my phone in my right hand, and started to jerk it. I felt a little uncomfortable while doing it, and found out I was doing it with the wrong hand. I quickly closed porn, headed to the wash basin, and washed my left hand. I again headed to my room and started jerking it with my right hand but it wasn't erect. I switched videos but it still didn't work. Lastly, I played a lesbian seduction video and I started jerking off with my right hand. I didn't feel anything yet, I thought I was doing it wrong. I then got forcibly aroused, made my penis forcibly erect, and started jerking off. It worked, I started to feel something. I think this is what an orgasm feels like. It felt so good. It then felt like I have to ejaculate and I brought my penis near to the potty pot (I don't know what it's called) and ejaculated like 3 or 4 translucent thick white drops. I wanted to jerk it off but it felt like a pleasure-pain. I stopped there and cleaned my hands, my penis tip, and my bathroom and headed out. I might want to do it later but I should also need some privacy. I might not do it for a long time because I have to return to my college as it reopens this month end.
I would like my fellow teenagers to comment on this, every comment shall be taken constructively. I might be the oldest teenager but I don't think I have any good experience with things as most of you do. I am the kind of person who waits for the first kiss till marriage and has no plans to hook up in the meantime.
One time I was in Walmart and this hot girl was in front of me. I was admiring her figure until she did something unexpected. She pulled down her pants and just let the diarrhea flow from her anus. I didn't know what to do. She was making these awful noises like Huuuunnngghhh and shaking her head violently. After about 3 minutes of uninterrupted shit flow she looked at me pleading, she shouted "please make it stop, it's stinging my asshole" but it just wouldn't stop. The workers were running around in circles shouting "God help us" and all I could do was watch helplessly. After about 10 minutes of this it finally stopped flowing from her ass but the damage was done. She laid there in the floor sobbing, nursing her asshole. I looked to my right to see a group of Walmart employees sobbing and consoling each other. Saying things like "it's over now." One kid walked up from the back and got one look at the carnage and immediately shot himself in the head. I still have the image of the girl sobbing covered in bloody diarrhea seared into my memory. I am now in therapy for my PTSD. I have good days and bad days, but I just take it one day at a time.
I woke to the sound of wind. As I looked around my room I rubbed the crust out of my eyes. Everything was in place except the window, which hung wide open. The curtains furled and swayed in the night breeze, and the shutters bounced lightly against the outside wall. I didn’t remember leaving it open, but that wasn’t my main focus.
Beyond the window was the largest full moon I’d ever seen.
Stories had been spreading recently of creatures that prowl under a full moon. Werewolves, if you can believe it. Grown men and women, in this day and age, spreading childish rumors about monsters of all things. But even as I told myself those things, something prickled at the base of my neck. Some instinctual worry. A worry turned dread as a fur covered claw slammed onto my windowsill.
I watched in terror as the biggest beast I’d ever seen pulled itself silently into the window. It was four times the size of a man, easily, and covered head to toe in thick, black fur. Its snout panned back and forth across the room as it took in deep sniffs. And then it’s huge yellow eyes locked onto mine. It lowered itself into the room with a feline grace, and moved slowly across the floor towards my bed.
I was frozen in fear. Neither fight nor flight found purchase in my mind. The beast rose at the foot of my bed, having to hunch over at full height to keep its head from hitting the ceiling. It leaned forward, and started crawling across the bed. Before I could think it was nose to nose with me. I closed my eyes and awaited a painful death.
But nothing happened.
I peeked up to see it standing above me, eyes still locked onto mine. Its gaze dipped, then quickly re-met mine. I followed it, only to find the single largest dick I could even imagine resting across my chest. The beast’s lip curled, and a soft, menacing growl broke the silence. It didn’t sound like a threat, so much as a choice. I looked down at its massive beef whistle, and then back into it’s eyes. I know it could smell my fear, but could also tell that I chose life.
It grabbed my shoulders and slammed me back against the headboard. It’s huge frame settled over me as its fur scourged ankle-smacker swelled and stiffened. I was petrified, unable to so much as shiver at the sight of it all. A single taloned finger pushed its way into my mouth and pried it open. Before I knew it, the beast’s throbbing lap rocket was careening into my open gob.
It was like trying to sword swallow a wool tube-sock with a leg in it.
It went much deeper, much faster than I was expecting. Each thrust collapsed the back of my throat, making breathing through my nose impossible. Its veinous maximus slammed into the back of my skull over and over, with increasing speed and force. With each thrust, smaller, dagger-sharp hairs from the base of its porridge gun stabbed holes all around my mouth.
Its massive claws grabbed my hands as it continued its work. My fingers were guided up it’s belly, across it’s matted, wiry fur. My fingertips passed over something, and its guidance paused. A small bump. A nipple? I gave it a curious squeeze, which sent shivers through the beast’s entire body. It moved my other hand to another nipple. Then up to another. Then up to another. Then back down. Then up. I felt like an old timey phone operator trying to eat a possum flavored party sub while I worked.
Something shifted in the beast’s demeanor suddenly. It hunched over, slamming its almost intolerably hot love fist into my head at a both literally and figuratively blinding pace. Its huge claws gabbed my head, holding me in place.
A few things happened all at once.
Lightning struck just outside, instantly filling the room with light and the deafening crash of thunder. Its claws peeled the skin off of the back of my scalp. Gallons, actual gallons of putrid wolf seed filled my mouth, throat and nose. It was boiling hot, gritty, and as thick as hot tar. It tasted like a nightmarish blend of old beach sand and rotting ground pork. It spilled out of my mouth and nose and forced its way down my throat into my stomach and lungs. It was an unstoppable fire-hose like torrent of seemingly never ending wolf putty. Its back arched, it’s head flew back, and silhouetted by the full moon it unleashed an ear splitting howl.
AWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I was sure I was about to die. I couldn’t breath, and every part of my face, mouth, and insides were blistering up from its boiling hot leavings. I accepted death, and passed out.
I woke up in the hospital. The official story was something about a chemical spill, but the nurses looked down on me with a knowing pity. I was hooked up to all sorts of machines. I was told recovery would be a long, hard road. I was told most of the damage was irreversible. I was told I would need life-long medication to manage the pain.
I was told I was lucky to be alive.
The words stuck in my head. Lucky? I had gone through hell. My body had been pushed and torn to its absolute limit. I had been used by a supernatural beast, and discarded like trash. Lucky doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt.
I may never lock my window again.
The other day I decided to visit the local movie theater. Other than being a connoisseur of film, I visited the locale theater due to the fact they were screening a personal favorite of mine. Pixar’s Cars 2. There aren’t much words needed to describe the absolute masterpiece of the film so I’ll continue my story. I made sure to park my bright and shining golden brown Toyota Prius right in the front of the parking lot, so the masses could bask in its glorious light. I made sure to bring my own snacks of course, my free thinking mind had already broken the chains called capitalism a long time ago. I smirked as I saw the ignorant cretins buy the overpriced and disgusting popcorn, and pitied them. After all, with my IQ, everybody is basically a monkey. The movie had been out for quite some time so I had the theater to myself. Or so I thought. Right when I had my premium Ass Warmer Ultra tm. With ass scratching capabilities and began feasting on the glorious food called canned baked beans a group of youths of African American descent entered the theater. I froze for a second, as I had planned on being alone but I could adjust my plans. I decided to continue with my movie experience. After all, the beautiful face of Mater could surely distract me from their hooliganism. We were at the best part, a truly masterful comedic technique used in the movie. Where Mater mistakes the ethnic Japanese food “Wasabi” for “Pistachio” flavored ice cream. This is quite comedic due to them looking very similar but have quite different tastes. I allowed myself to chuckle at this execution before realizing one of the youths was staring at me. I ignored him and began using my can opener to partake in the act of baked bean eating. Then I heard him about. “YO THIS NIBBA EATING BAKED BEANS WHILE WATCHING CARS 2”