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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


I helped old people have sex at a nursing home

    Original post
    Tell me about it... I spent the better part of the 2010's as a butt pusher at the nursing home. Ya know, these old folks can't thrust like they used to and so they need a brawny young buck like myself to work those hips how they remember. I'd see a horny couple shuffling down the hall and think, "Oh jeez... No way they're down to fuck again." but you gotta give it up for these old timers. They're constantly boning. So, I'd get my long gloves on, help them to the fuck room, pop the lady in the handi-able sex swing, and then grab ahold of grandpa's leathery hips. He'd take care of the boner himself. I wasn't gonna coax that out of him. That's on him. If ever the old guy wasn't hard enough to plow beef then I'd just leave the room and tell him to call me when he's serious, call me when he can actually fuck. Haha, usually that little emasculation was enough for them to pop a spiteful boner. Whatever, right? When he's bonered and ready, and she's lubed however way is medically appropriate, then I was just there to make sure the shoving is hard, but not too hard. I wanted to make sure these lovebirds could shuffle back to their respective apartments after. I mean, c'mon. It took, what? 10? 15 minutes maybe? And with the adjustability of the sex swing, the variety made the time go by pretty quick. After he'd shot his wad and her barren utey was gooped up, they'd go into a kinda post-nut paralysis and it was part of my job to make sure they didn't hurt themselves during that. Yep, then it was just get her out of the swing, get their clothes back on, and shit, I don't know, go back to wandering the halls, waiting for another tap on the shoulder or something. Terrible job. I really, really hated it, but ya know, I still made sure to do my best. I was proud of how much lovemaking I facilitated and how sensually I was able to gyrate all those old man hips. So, even though I never had sex at the nursing home, I sure assisted in a lot of it.

    Today I messed up by mishearing Porn instead of Corn.

      So I've been dating this girl I met through a matchmater for the past 6 months. She asked me "what type of corn do you like? American or Desi?" So first things first, the word Desi itself made me convinced that she was talking about porn. Second, I asked her in return, "why a sudden question about this?" And she was like, "I just want to know your preference" I then asked her "what's your preference?" She said "American all the way, Desi is disgusting" All the words used by her made up my mind that she was definitely talking about porn. Thankfully I did not say my preference or stuff like that, but instead told her a story about how some guys in my college brought Desi porn and were showing it to others and "I was disgusted by it and it was the last time I watched Desi porn." Before I could move to American porn and spill the beans, she clarified that she was talking about corn and not porn. The next 30min were her laughing her ass out and teasing me about it. I am so embarrassed about it that I can't even talk properly to her now ;___; Fml

      One time I was walking home when a very mean robber approached me

        NewJeans copypasta
        One time I was walking home when a very mean robber approached me. He pulled out a sharp knife and said "Give me all your money, punk! And your phone, too!" I began to comply as I didn't want any trouble, but as I handed him my phone, my thumb unlocked it and the robber was face to face with the handsome dimpled smile on my lockscreen. Seeing the glimmer of awe in his eyes, I said to the robber, "That's Mark Lee. He's in the musical groups NCT 127, NCT U, NCT Dream, NCT Jop, NCT Superpoopoopeepee, NCT Sperm, NCT ABC, NCT XYZ, NCT KFC, NCT KBS, and GOT7! Would you like to learn to jop with me, sir?" Speechless, the robber could do nothing but nod his head enthusiastically. Day and night, he and I practiced tirelessly, honing our choreography until we were perfectly in sync. Now you might think the story ends there, dear reader, but you'll surprised to hear that the robber and I popped up in the public eye again many months later – this time, when the two of us debuted together as 5-member girl group NewJeans!

        Natalie Portman is the reason I work out

          "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere." meme
          Natalie Portman is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the Vanity Fair Oscars party bar. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her in New Girl. She laughs. I get my drink.

"Well, see ya," I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Natalie Portman? She touches her neck as she watches me leave.

Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette.

"Got a spare?" she asks.

"What's in it for me?" I say as I hand her one of my little white ladies. She smiles.

"Conversation with me, duh."

I laugh.

"What's so funny?" she protests.

"Nothing, nothing... It's just... don't you grow tired of the egos?"

"You get used to it," she says, lighting her cigarette and handing me back the lighter.

"What would you do if you weren't an actress?" I ask.

"Teaching, I think."

"And if I was your student, what would I be learning?"

"Discipline," she says quickly, looking up into my eyes, before changing the subject. "Where are you from?"

"Bermuda," I say.

"Oh wow. That's lovely."

"It's ok," I admit. "Not everything is to my liking."

"What could possibly be not to your liking in Bermuda?" she inquires.

"I don't like sand," I tell her. "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

          I masturbated for 12 hours

            I masterbated for 12 hours

This is weird and I can't tell anyone irl but I have to tell someone.... I masterbated for 12 hours today to find out the effects so you don't have to!

First of all I prepared 3, 32 ounce water bottles, and had a meal of one cup steamed rice and 1 cup mixed vegetables ( peas, carrots and green beans ) with about 1 tablespoon of soy sauce. I also took a basic daily all in one vitamin.

I began by assembling a random collection of different porn clips, porn games and full length movies.

Breakdown:

Full length movies took too long to get to the point. The story "deadspots" made the little soldier begin losing interest so I switched to the next option in the run, for science.

Porn games worked very well for maintaining the heat of the moment, until they didn't. It turns out there are a lot of porn games that are unfinished, and generally run out of content before they reach the point of porn game, rather than the initial date simulation, as well as mini games causing use of two hands that removes your work hand. Also took a while to get up to speed.

Next I moved on to porn clips, which I will day is the holy grail of porn. Short, straight to the point and you can fire off rapid fire clips of things that excite you, reducing "downtime".

Porn movie downtime: 30%

Porn game downtime: 45% ( Still maintained interactivity. )

Porn clips: 2% downtime ( I could see this as easily being the most addictive form of adult media. )

The first 8 hours seemed to fly by with regular breaks for water.

After the initial 8 hours things became interesting, even with regular drink intervals I began having a constant dry mouth, along with that morning breath taste.

Around hour 10 I began developing a headache, along with some eye floaters, likely body not being able to deliver the standard amount of oxygen due to diversion of blood flow to the member.

Hour 11 I increased my water intake, seemed to help a tiny bit but symptoms were persistent until the end. Eye floaters also increased by 100% by the alarm end.

The orgasm that followed the alarm was by and far one of the most extreme I've ever had, coming in at a close 2nd to when having real sex with my wife.

Final notes: the "ploom" of skin below the tip of my penis ( circumcised. ) is slightly swollen, but not dangerously. Arm feels fine, I thought it would be a lot more sore. It took about an hour after completion for my mouth to go back to regular moisture levels. Heart rate was pretty much back to normal within 15 minutes of completion. Headache is now minimal without need of medication.

No immediate health issues have announced themselves. ( this would be different from user to user, due to health issues and whatnot. )

Overall takeaway, it was a fun experiment, that I would not be interested in trying again. Lol.

Tldr; masterbated for 12 hours, tried movies/games/clips, walked away with a minor headache and prefer porn clips to any other media form for constant involvement.

            I got publically beaten up by a 12 year old kid when I was 18.

              I was in year 12 (senior year) at high school and I have a younger brother who was in year 7 so 13 years old at the time. There was this kid who was around the same age (12) that was bullying my brother daily. I saw what was going on and it made me so damn angry but I couldn't do anything because he was 12, this went on for a few months and at the time I tried to give my bro advice on how to handle the situation. Anyway one day I'm with my only female friend Alice and we can both see my brother in the playground being bullied by this kid. Alice tells me I should really do something to cool the situation, I agreed. So I go over and plan on just having a word with this kid, u know telling him to back off or else type of thing. I walk up to him and before I could get a word out he kicked me straight in my balls really hard, like so hard I screamed. I fell to the ground and he then jumped on me and started punching my head while I'm reeling in pain. I couldn't get him off, I had very little strength and he was pretty fat for a 12 year old. The teachers eventually got him off me and by this time I was severely beaten and humiliated. I could barely walk and my balls required an ice pack, I swear I could hear the female teachers laughing in the next room when I was sitting in the nurses office.