Warhammer

I own a Guass Rifle for home defence

Its the “Musket for home defense” copypasta but changed to gauss rifle used by Necrons from Warhammer 40K.

I own a Gauss Rifle for home defence, since that's what the founding Triarchs intended. Four ruffians break into my tomb, "What the Devil?!" As I grab my steel powder-coated wig and Khet'Tuhki rifle. Blow a Resurrection Orb sized crater through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my Guass ring weapon on the second man. Miss him entirely because it's wide-beam, and nails the Cryptek's scarab. I have to resort to the C'tan Shard mounted at the top of the Sarcophagus loaded with scatter-beam shot. "Tally Ho, Lads!" The shot shreds two men in the blast. The sound and extra tears in Space-Time set off Tomb World alarms. Fix bayonet, and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He bleeds out waiting for the Mechanicus to arrive since molecular Guass bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding Triarchs intended.

I hate Saurus

Its a hate rant on the Saurus species from the Warhammer universe.

I hate saurus. I hate them. I hate their lizard faces. I hate their clubs. I hate their sticks. I hate when the sticks are next to the clubs and I hate when the clubs are next to the sticks. I hate that Kroq-gar pulls 2280 of them out of his scaly asshole and then descends on me like a Vogon at a poetry convention.

I hate the Saurus auto-resolve meter. I hate it because it lies to me. It says I have a 50-50 chance of victory. This is patently false, because I have twenty units of skeletons who are held together with prit stik and prayer. I do not have twenty units of eight foot tall geckos constructed out of pectoral muscles and galvanised coffin nails.

I hate that they shout bok at me. Bok is the Bristol Orienteering Klub, which is completely irrelevant to a battle in Lustria and should not be shouted repeatedly while eating a rank of tier one infantry like buffalo wings.

I hate their morale. I hate that surrounding them simply prompts one of them to pull out a US general's helmet so he can make a speech about 'now we can attack in any direction'. I hate that their reaction to a devastating rear attack is to become somewhat peeved. I have looked a Saurus in his smug scaly face as an encirclement that would shatter any other early game infantry closed in.

He went from :I to >:I , killed an extra two hundred skeletons because I had foolishly allowed all four sides of the Saurus unit to fight at once and then swallowed my Liche Priest like a slim jim.

I have resolved to shoot every Saurus dead. Every Saurus. All of the Saurmen and the Saurdren too. I hate them. I no longer see battlefields because they're covered by a thick blanket of arrow trails. I hate that it barely stops them. I hate that they keep coming while shouting about the Bristol orienteering klub, or the Bank of Oklahoma or the 1983 Bok asteroid. I hate that they made me google bok so I could write down ways in which I hate things that have it as a name. Bok is also a lunar crater and a martian crater. It is also a village in Iran. The IATA code for Brookings Airport is Bok. I will never go there because it would give me palpitations.

I hate that Kroq Gar is friends with the Rare Pepe next door, who also declares war once I've shot Kroq Gar unconscious for the tenth time. He also has Saurus only these ones are blue. Somehow this is worse.

I hate that there are another ten Lizard factions. I hate that they will be in end game by the time I reach them. I hate that while I was writing this Kroq Gar picked up Kalida and smoked her like a cigar.

I hate Saurus.

From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh

The line came from the opening cinematic of Warhammer 40k Mechanicus spoken by the servo-skull Magos Dominus Reditus.

From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the Blessed Machine. Your kind cling to your flesh, as though it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call the temple will wither, and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved, for the Machine is immortal… Even in death I serve the Omnissiah.

From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the Blessed Machine. Your kind cling to your flesh, as though it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call a temple will wither, and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved, for the Machine is immortal.

"From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the blessed machine. Your kind cling to your flesh as if it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call a temple will wither and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved. For the Machine is Immortal"

From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the Blessed Machine.

Your kind cling to your flesh, as if it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass that you call a temple will wither, and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved, for the Machine is immortal…

...even in death I serve the Omnissiah.

Binary version

01101001 01110100 00100000 01100100 01101001 01110011 01100111 01110101 01110011 01110100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100001 01110110 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01110100 01110010 01100101 01101110 01100111 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100011 01100101 01110010 01110100 01100001 01101001 01101110 01110100 01111001 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110011 01110100 01100101 01100101 01101100 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100001 01110011 01110000 01101001 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110000 01110101 01110010 01101001 01110100 01111001 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101100 01100101 01110011 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100101 00101110 00100000 01011001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01101100 01100101 01110011 01101000 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01100110 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100011 01100001 01111001 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101001 01101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00100000 01001111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01100100 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100011 01110010 01110101 01100100 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101111 01101101 01100001 01110011 01110011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101101 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100111 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00100000 01000010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01100001 01101100 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 01111001 00100000 01110011 01100001 01110110 01100101 01100100 00101110 00100000 01000110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01001101 01100001 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01001001 01101101 01101101 01101111 01110010 01110100 01100001 01101100

I own a Pulse Carbine for Home Defence

Its the ‘Own a musket for home defense‘ copypyasta but changed to the Pulse Carbine from Warhammer 40k.

Own a Pulse Carbine for home defense, since that's what Aun’va intended. Four Gue’la break into my reasonably sized state issued accomodation. "By the Tau’va!" As I grab my Fio’Tak Combat Armor and Pulse Carbine. Burn a man sized hole through the first gue’la, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because I don’t have ‘For The Greater Good’ activated, and nail one of the neighbours 250 kroot hounds. I have to resort to the Pulse Blast Cannon mounted at the top of the stairs, set to focused. "FOR TAU TO PROSPER, IT WILL BE SO" the small star shreds two Gue’la in the blast, the sound and extreme heat set off Devilfish alarms. I grab my close combat weapon and charge the last terrified rapscallion. I bleed out waiting on the medic drones to arrive since trangular lasrifle-bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as Aun'va intended

I saw a Warhammer Dev at a Waitrose store in Horsham yesterday.

Parody of the Flying Lotus copypasta but edited to fit the narrative from a post on r/totalwar where a player meet a dev.

I saw a Warhammer Dev at a Waitrose store in Horsham yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

From the moment I first witnessed the interlopers, they disgusted me.

An adaptation of the ‘From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh‘ Mechanicus copypasta into Necron’s faction.

From the moment I first witnessed the interlopers, they disgusted me.
Aeons we slumbered, waiting to reclaim our galaxy.
Only for it to become infested with vermin, that proliferated in our absence.
Now, we awaken to retake what is ours.
Wretched amalgamations of meat and metal, shackled to ignorance by your faith.
Do you truly believe you can stop us?
We who have shattered our very gods and enslaved them to our will.
The stars were young when our empire was ascendant.
And when the last of them die, we alone will remain.
For we are immortal.