I know the title sounds deranged, but I swear to god im not a troll. Here’s the context:
My bf and I are long distance, so we used to have plenty of phone sex, however, that’s been happening less and less often as our relationship has gone on (according to him, he just doesn’t feel as horny as often anymore). We’ve met and had relations irl a few times, and he’s always the kind to last very long in bed, and during phone sex as well. I used to be insecure about it, thinking that maybe it was something wrong with me, but hes genuinely a great bf who constantly assures me, and has never once said anything bad about our sex life.
It should be noted that he watches plenty of porn (as do I), and neither of us see that as an issue, so this isnt about him hiding porn from me or something. We were calling today, and I was playing a game on my phone (papa’s cupcakeria, you can’t make this shit up), and after about twenty minutes of us doing our own thing, he suddenly goes “im done” and shows me his cum????? Obviously, I get really confused and ask how the hell he was jerking off this whole time without me realising (we were on video call), before mentioning that I thought he was looking at the stock market (he spends his free time just staring at the stock market for hours on end like a lunatic, but I love him so it’s whatever).
Tell me why this man then looks me in the eyes and goes “yeah, I was looking at the stock market, I was too lazy to look for porn.”
It then hits me that he literally just CAME to the stock market. When I point this out to him, all he said in response was “it’s a man thing, I didn’t wanna bother you while you were playing your game” and told me not to worry about it.
Now, I don’t want to sound insane, but I got a bit upset, because in my head, he could have very easily asked to have phone sex with me, but chose to literally jerk off to the stock market instead. To add insult to injury, he came REALLY quickly (like significantly quicker than he would during anything involving me) which makes me feel like SHIT, because there is no way the goddamn stock market is somehow more stimulating than his own damn girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong, i’m not super genuinely upset, but you’ve gotta admit this shits gonna hurt your pride if it happened to you. I honest to god have no idea how to even move forward after this, and I just needed to type this out, because no one would believe me otherwise 💀
I was sadly laid off from my job a few days ago. My circadian rhythm has been off as a result, so I decided to head down to my local GameStop to mentally reset (and maybe pick up a few Funko Pops & more batteries).
The store looked immaculate (obviously). It even passed what I call 'the white glove test', which is where I put on a single white glove and go around touching things to see if I collect any dust.
After a few minutes of testing, it dawned upon me that the kid working there didn't greet me upon entering, so I strode up to the counter to confront him.
"Everything ok?" I coolly asked, disguising the true rage burning inside of me.
He just sort of nodded, asking if there was anything he could help me with and why I was walking around touching things with gloves on.
"Heh. Just thought I'd pop in to see how my store is doing." I replied. "Looks good. Though, I couldn't help but notice that you failed to greet me when I entered the building, which is a real problem - here at GameStop we greet all of our customers."
Visibly confused, he asked me if I was a corporate employee or something.
"Employee? Not legally. I am however a shareholder, which makes me a part owner and, technically, your boss."
In that moment, he knew that he fucked up; he began to stammer out an apology, but I wasn't having it. This kid just disrespected a shareholder.
"Look, kid," I interrupted, puffing out my chest to look as big and intimidating as I could. "You should be thankful that we've given you the opportunity to work for the most innovative tech giant on the planet. Failing to greet people hurts the customer experience. Hurting the customer experience brings down company profits. My profits. And I'll be dead before a little piss baby like you is gonna fuck with my money. Keep it up, and you won't have to worry about greeting people anymore. Understood?"
I began to leave, all the while he just sort of stared at me, shaking his head and asking what I was talking about.
"Oh, and one more thing," I added, one foot out the door. "I'll be having this Funko Pop on the house." and I grabbed the nearest one and left without paying.
I haven't been back to the store since, but I imagine that the kid now has everything shipshape and has been greeting every customer since. It feels good to help my company!
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Did you know a blue whales vagina is so big and deep that it could easily fit 5 to 6 full grown men, making it the second biggest pussy in the world behind people who sold GME stocks this week.
Don't even ask the question. The answer is yes, it's priced in. Think Amazon will beat the next earnings? That's already been priced in. You work at the drive thru for Mickey D's and found out that the burgers are made of human meat? Priced in. You think insiders don't already know that? The market is an all powerful, all encompassing being that knows the very inner workings of your subconscious before you were even born. Your very existence was priced in decades ago when the market was valuing Standard Oil's expected future earnings based on population growth that would lead to your birth, what age you would get a car, how many times you would drive your car every week, how many times you take the bus/train, etc. Anything you can think of has already been priced in, even the things you aren't thinking of. You have no original thoughts. Your consciousness is just an illusion, a product of the omniscent market. Free will is a myth. The market sees all, knows all and will be there from the beginning of time until the end of the universe (the market has already priced in the heat death of the universe). So please, before you make a post on wsb asking whether AAPL has priced in earpods 11 sales or whatever, know that it has already been priced in and don't ask such a dumb fucking question again.
