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storytime copypasta


I divorced my wife of 20 years today, who also donated her kidney to me, because she dislikes The Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

    I’m fucking furious, after 20 years you’d think you know someone right?

Today I asked her “hey I’m in the mood to watch some Star Wars, wanna join me?” To where she replied “sure.” I told her we can just skip all of the bad movies that the alt right has an obsession with (the prequels) and go straight to watching the objective masterpieces known as the ST. My wife LAUGHED (yes directly at me, no fucking respect from this woman) replying she didn’t really like them and found them boring. I looked at her straight in the eye, it all became clear to me, my wife is a misogynist, she just hates women, she doesn’t respect women whatsoever.

So I slapped that dumb bitch in the face and screamed “I WILL NOT TOLERATE MISOGYNY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, YOU JUST HATE IT BECAUSE IT HAS A FEMALE LEAD” she (thankfully) started to cry with a confused look on her face and asked what came over me and why would I do that. I looked at her directly in the eyes again furiously, and asked her “what did you say about the sequel trilogy again?!?” She started yelling, blood and tears rolling down her face, with her voice cracking “you hit me over that?!!? Because I didn’t like a movie?!????” That was the last straw, I then said “I want a divorce” she replied “you just broke my nose and now want to divorce me over a pair of fucking movies!?!?!? After everything I’ve done for you?!?!? After saving your life!?!?!” I proceeded to walk out of the door, I looked back at her and said “I will not be married to someone who has 0 respect for women” Spat at her, then said “die mad about it” and left.

    I’m a climate change denial denialist

      I'm a climate change denial denialist. I deny the existence of climate change deniers. Think about it. The evidence is overwhelming. Do you really think people still don't believe in climate change? It's a lie. Everyone knows by now that the earth's climate is changing. Climate change deniers are a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

      I CURED HOMOSEXUALITY!

        I cured my son of the Big Gay. The other day, he came home for Christmas with his new partner. I was excited to meet her (and maybe MEAT her after my son fell asleep hehe), but imagine my horror when it turned out to be another man.

I immediately started to protest, but my son said "Dad, this is who I am. Zander and I are in love."

Without missing a beat, I turned around and said, "You forgot to say no homo."

But my boy simply scoffed at me and said, "Actually, dad, I AM a homosexual. That's right, your son is in love with another man." Then my son grabbed Zander's hand and looked at me defiantly.

For a second, I was utterly devastated. But then I thought to myself What would Trump do? So I stared straight at my son, penetrating his soul with my eyes (no homo), and said, "But that's gay."

As soon as I uttered those fateful words, my son began to convulse. He dropped to floor in some sort of manic state, spit pouring from his mouth as his eyes rolled back into his head. Zander tried to help him, but I pushed that dainty little queer away with my heteronormative strength.

After a full minute, my son opened his eyes and said, "Dad, you cured me of my homosexuality." Then, with manly tears of joy in his eyes, he pointed to Zander and exclaimed, "Let's get that homo!"

After we wiped Zander's blood off our hands and threw the little fairy into the cold, my son and I sat down with a beer and watched some football.

As we watched, my son turned to me and said, "Dad, I love you. No homo."

"No homo indeed, son," I replied. "No homo indeed."

        Americans are immune to bullet wounds.

          In America, we’ve all been shot so many times, that most of us have built up an immunity to bullet wounds. It’s now hereditary, actually, because only people who can survive being shot live long enough to reproduce. Natural selection and all that. Some Americans have built up an immunity so high that they can easily walk way from a direct hit from a cannon ball. These individuals are considered “real, red blooded, Americans” and receive a certificate of authentication.

This is also where the phrase “come and take it” comes from. A group of Americans endured a volley of cannon fire and they managed to catch 95% of the balls shot. They then hoisted the cannon balls into the air and taunted the invading army by encouraging them to come retrieve their ammunition and try again.

          Ok hear me out here’s why I kissed that person in an Isabella costume

            Yes it was weird, but I have an explanation for this that I hope will be satisfactory. As you can see I was mostly looking at my phone, so it didn't occur to me that she was dizzy and probably didn't know where she was going. I thought she was just trying to interact with me like a mascot costume person at a sporting event. In my experience they usually get a little mad if you don't interact back, so I normally give them a hug. I tried to give her a hug, as you can see by my arm at the end of the video, but I realized that if I gave her a hug I could very likely rip the head clean off. I panicked at this realization and opted for a forehead kiss instead. It absolutely was not planned.

I'd also like to point out that this all happened over the course of about half a second, I had no idea she was walking towards me until I turned my head. The Nintendo employee with her didn't seem very upset at me and kinda laughed, she was the person saying "You're precious, alright let's- watch out, watch out, aww" in the video, which I'd like to emphasize I couldn't hear because conventions are very loud. They both went the way they were going after this video, so I don't think they took offense.

I feel like I'm on trial here but yeah that's what happened. I wouldn't want to make someone uncomfortable on purpose, whenever I took a picture with anyone else at the convention I asked and then asked if I could be in the picture and so on, and there was no kissing anywhere else I assure you, but this all happened faster than I could really think about it.

            Found in r/Dreams:

              I had a dream where, no joke, there where two sequels to “The Bee Movie”

The second was a legitimately amazing movie about Barry B. Benson growing up to be a father and dealing with the complexity of raising two children, who had grown emotionally distant and slowly working to empathize and understand his children more and to stop being an emotionally abusive father. Slowly coming to accept and develop from his internalized homophobia. It won 2 Oscars.

The third was some cheese spy comedy as bad as the first movie, where the F.Bee.I. recruit Barry to sort out an international terror agency of wasps lead by Osama Bee Lardin.