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storytime copypasta


So I was casually playing Fallout 3 when I hear my doorbell ring.

    excuse me do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior
    So I was casually playing Fallout 3 when I hear my doorbell ring. I wasn't expecting any friends, so I looked out the window, and saw a man standing at my door, and I didn't recognize him. So, I went on over and answered the door."Hello there" I said nonchalantly. He responded with "Hi, I was wondering if you had a few minutes to hear the word of God?" So I said "Unfortunately, no, not right now. I'm a bit busy, but if you give me your address, I can swing by later tonight and I can tell you about Atheism." So he says back "Well, sir, um... I don't want to give my personal information out to random people..." So my response is "What? Why? You don't want a random stranger knocking on your door in the middle of the day and trying to shove their religion down your throat? Kinda hypocritical, don't you think?" He just looked completely befuddled as he turned away and started walking down the street, off to his next house. As he stormed out, a couple of the passerbys started to whistle and cheer, soon my neighbors joined in and even some drivers. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.

    I assert my dominance by whipping out my massive cock.

      Dr disrespect asserting dominance at urinal
      I assert my dominance by whipping out my massive cock. When I go to a public restroom that has a person at a urinal, I go right next to them. No matter the age of the person, I stand back fairly far, about one and a half feet, just to make sure they can see my cock with their peripheral vision. They almost always finish immediately. One time there was a little kid at a urinal and I go to pee right next to him. I back step and unbuckle my belt. The kid looks over as I unzip my zipper. As I pull out my 9 inch cock, his jaw drops in amazement. I swear I saw him cum into the urinal as I started pissing. He finished up, went to wash his hands as I saw that his pants were covered in shit and cum. I felt proud of myself that day.

      I am not a homosexual

        you sound pretty gay to me
        Last night I was looking for some porn of the not gay variety. Obviously gay porn is gay, so instead I went looking for guy on girl porn. But I realized that features a guy, with a penis, and is therefore 50% gay. So I started looking for some girl on girl action, till I realized that is lesbian, and is therefore 100% gay.
        
        So clearly, I had to look into alternative options. I started to consider hentai: since no one in it is real, it can’t contain guys, so it’s not gay, right? Well, hentai is anime, which not only is gay, but also makes me a weeb. The worst option so far.
        
        I considered traps. I’ve long heard debate over whether traps are gay, so I decided to do the math. The gayness of traps lies in the premise. Let’s consider the 5 base premises: 1) a guy and a trap, where the guy initially thinks he’s with a girl: effectively guy on girl, 50% gay 2) a guy with a trap, and the guy knew it was a trap: Dude looking for some dick, that’s gay 3) a girl with a trap, where the girl doesn’t know it’s a trap: that’s lesbian, and is gay 4) a girl with a trap, where the girl knows it’s a trap: effectively guy on girl, therefore 50% gay Therefore, on average traps are 75% gay, with a minimum gayness of 50%. Not an improvement. The 5th option, trap on trap, is a singularity of the 4 prior possibilities, and is therefore on average 75% gay again.
        
        So I got into specifics. What if it was girl on girl, and the premise was at least one of the girls was just bi-curious, and not actually fully lesbian? Well, in that case, their curiosity makes them a cat. Cats are furries, and furries are gay
        
        So how about a girl soloing? Well that’s a girl touching girl bits. Lesbian and gay.
        
        My conclusion is that the only way to live a life free of homosexual sin is to liberate oneself of sexual desire at all, and become an asexual.
        
        Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

        Raped by Ben Shapiro

          Ben shapiro
          Ben Shapiro
          I was RAPED once.
          
          I was a 16 YEAR OLD VIRGIN LIBERAL and one night I was walking home from the library. FRIGHTENED I took a shortcut down A DARK ALLEY. I heard a SINISTER LAUGH and BEN SHAPIRO jumped out from behind a trash can! "Well well," he sneered, "looks like the INVISIBLE HAND has ensured that my DEMAND is met by your SUPPLY. What a TRIUMPH OF THE FREE MARKET..."
          
          I said capital always accumulates in the hands of the wealthy, but to no avail. He just laughed and whipped out his THROBBING 12 CHAPTER TREATISE. He shoved me roughly against the wall and started filling my ear with STEAMY CITATIONS. I struggled but got SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH ROCK HARD DATA for my efforts.
          
          MEWLING AND WHIMPERING I tried to check his privilege. He just bellowed, "YOUR RESISTANCE ONLY MAKES MY CONCLUSIONS FIRMER!" I started to explain power theory and he RAMMED MY OWN WORDS DOWN MY THROAT. My premises and spirit broken, I couldn't get a word in edgewise because I was GAGGING ON SLIMY MEATY ARGUMENTS.
          
          It was awful. His HUGE ARGUMENT was TOO BIG to fit inside my TIGHT VIRGIN BRAIN. Some of the founder facts he PULLED OUT only to immediately JAM BACK INSIDE. It seemed to go on forever but finally, FORCING ME OPEN, his PENETRATING ARGUMENT came to a CLIMAX. It was agony as ROUND AFTER ROUND of THICK ROPY FACTS and HOT STICKY LOGIC were PUMPED DEEP INSIDE me.
          
          Weeping, I lay in a PUDDLE OF STINKING NEOCON RHETORIC. I didn't see where he went, but BEN SHAPIRO'S VIRILE IDEAS had been irresistibly PLANTED DEEP INSIDE me. I tried to abort the memory, but NINE MONTHS LATER I was BORN AGAIN CONSERVATIVE.
          
          This is my truth. POUND ME TOO!

          Why is six afraid of seven?

            Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam
            Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
            
            Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

            I fucked a carp

              Carp is a common name for various species of freshwater fish of the family Cyprinidae
              Carp is a common name for various species of freshwater fish of the family Cyprinidae
              I live in a shitty town; I have an older sister, mom and dad. My father is a compulsive angler. He often brings home really big carps, catfishes, pikes and sanders. Nevertheless, what I liked the most was the carps, the golden giants.
               
              A year ago, I was at home, jerking off to some porn when I heard my dad outside, joyfully coming home with his friends. I quickly turned porn off and turned Skyrim on. My father's squad came in, I left my computer to greet them and then I saw that my father was holding a trophy of a 9-kilogram carp. I shared his triumph. Dad left the carp at home and went to the bar with his friends. I stayed at home alone and I decided to have a better look at the carp.
               
              It was still alive and was moving its giant mouth. I imagined, idk why, that carp blowing me. Then I felt an erection. I think you can already guess what I did, I fucked the carp in its mouth with remarkably meaty lips, and I came right into its mouth. Doing so, I felt an extraordinary pleasure.
               
              I forgot about this case later, especially since my father sold that carp at the market. However, when my father was bringing small carps weighting a kilogram or two, I started fucking them, too. I fucked carps and European carps all year long, and fucking smaller carps felt better because their mouths fitted my dick precisely. I loved fucking them while they were still alive, moving their lips around my cock. Over the span of half a year, I fucked, probably, more than 40, probably even 50 carps. I fucked them several times a day, nutted into their assholes, idk why, sometimes I fucked them again when they were already frozen in a refrigerator, but that was for a rainy day. I even tried to fuck a bream once but its mouth was too small. I fucked a chub once, but still, the carps were the best for me, and whenever my father asked me what he should aim to catch tomorrow, I convinced him to get carps, allegedly because their meat tastes very good.
               
              Here's what happened next. My father hadn't been fishing carps for a week. I hadn't been fucking carps for a week. I was walking in a daze, I really wanted to fuck a new fish, I thought about catching a carp myself but I was too lazy and furthermore, I hate fishing. My father only brought one small pike over the span of the week, probably because it was late Fall and he said that it wasn't interesting to catch carps at that time or something. I remember him seemingly starting to suspect something about my carp-mania by I was talking my way out as if I just liked the taste of it and that was it.
               
              My father brought home an 8-kilogram catfish. I really wanted to fuck with a fish and so I started considering that catfish. Why not, its mouth was fine, except for the teeth, but it generally couldn't do anything, only scratch if you strongly press against it, tops. I thought that that would do it. I got my dick exposed, jerked it a little and put in the mouth of the catfish still alive, which by the way was in a bowl of water, and started fucking it. I fucked it for a little more but after a minute, a terrible thing happened. The catfish squeezed my cock and seemingly tried to rip it off, but didn't manage to, it just swiped its teeth against my dick really hardly. I pulled it out immediately, it was all scratched badly as fuck, it was bleeding, I hit the catfish with my leg and it fell in the bowl of water. Blood was streaming from my dick. I fucking bandaged it, put spirit on it. Then I wiped the blood off from the floor. The dick was aching really badly. It swelled up, but later it healed up, some scars were left though. It was a good thing that nobody found out that I fucked fish and had a bandage on my dick. So, my dick healed up completely after a month. I haven't fucked anything through the whole winter and then in Spring my father started bringing carps from fishing again, and I started fucking them again. I fucked the last carp two days ago. Top of that, boobs and generally girls don't turn me on anymore, but I get hard instantly whenever I see a carp's face. My dick got completely smelled up by the fish to the point it's impossible to wash it off. So what, am I some kind of a fish-phile? Am I even normal?