I finally did it. I out-pizza'd the Hut. It was the greatest mistake of my life.
After years of perfecting my recipe, I made my way down to the local hut, fresh-baked pizza pie in hand. "Try this," I told the kid working the counter. He did, and he had to agree that it was better than anything Pizza Hut had to offer. Soon, the entire store, customers included, was feasting on my delicious pie. The manager walked over, grabbed a slice, and took a bite. I look at him, anticipation rising. This was the boss, the local fief lord of the Hut. His approval meant more to me than all the rest combined. He took a bite and nodded. "I'll be damned," he said, "you really did it. You out-pizza'd the Hut. Shame." Shame? What did he mean by tha- the manager pulled a gun out from behind his apron and shot the nearest customer in the head. "We have a Code Jalapeño," he said into his wrist as he executed the remaining customers. "I repeat, we have a Code Jalapeño." The ground was slick with blood. The kid working the counter choked out his dying breath as the manager turned to me. "You just had to do it motherfucker. You just had to out-pizza the Hut." He shoved the gun in my face. I was too scared to fight, too scared to run. The manager pulled the trigger.
A click. The gun was empty. I threw a chair at the manager and scrambled out of the Pizza Hut, not even bothering to see if my missile hit its mark. I was closely pursued by the manager, who had gotten his hands on a deadly sharp pizza cutter. I suspected in his hands it would cut more than pizza. Somehow, I was able to get into my car and speed off, the manager cursing my existence as I left him behind. I took a deep breath. The manager was clearly psychotic. Yes, that was it, just a crazy man with a gun. It had to be. My phone rang. Sister. I picked it. "They're dead, she sobbed. They're all dead. M-mom, dad, Chris, Bill. Dead. They killed them all." I could barely understand her, so great were her sobs. "What do you mean? Where are you?" I asked urgently. "How is this possi-" a single gunshot sounded through my phone's speakers. Silence. Then, I heard a man's voice. "No one out-pizzas the Hut." He hung up. I drove down the empty county road, mind blank. I had nothing. They killed my family. I was alone.
At that moment I knew what I had to do. They took everything from me. Well then, I would take everything from them. Pizza Hut was so terrified of being out-pizza'd, they forgot there's one thing worse than a man with a recipe: A man with nothing to lose. I'll give them a limited time offer they won't be able to refuse: two bullets for the price of one.
With a free side order of pain.
For you console gamers, you probably already know how this could have happened. For you non-console gamers, here's some context: Certain actions and environmental effects inside a video game can cause the controller to vibrate, so the bigger the sound the more vibration. So, here's what happened:
I was doing some late night gaming on my Xbox, playing some Halo. My girlfriend has already kissed me goodnight as she said she was going to sleep. Now in Halo, there are certain weapons you can charge up to fire, which causes the Xbox controller to vibrate like crazy. As I played through the night, an idea popped in my head as I felt the shaking controller. Vibrators make girls orgasm really easy, right? Well, could I just use a controller instead? Just prop one of the sides against her pussy? So, that's what I decided to do.
I left the Xbox on Halo with me charging up a plasma pistol as I crept into our bedroom, vibrating controller in hand. My girlfriend was fast asleep. Slowly but delicately, I pulled the covers off the bed, then her pajamas, and rested one arm of the Xbox controller on her pussy. 10 seconds in I could feel her thighs twitching and jolting subconsciously with pleasure. With one final swing of her waist, I felt her cum, which immediately shot her awake. "What the fuck are you doing," she said. Then she saw the controller.
She won't let me have sex with her for another month. Achievement Unlocked: SeXbox Controller.
Edit 1: Thanks for the Gold Kind Stranger
Edit 2: For those of you calling this Rape it’s okay because it was done on National Rape Day
Edit 3: Who the fuck believed this enough to contact RedditCareResources
Edit 4: Holy crap the amount of libtards this attracted... eat shit guys it’s a joke
I thought it would be nice to nut before i slept and before my sleeping pill kicked in and my room was dark so I figured why close the blinds.
I was lubing up my cock with silicone lube, felt really good and got my cock really hard and was enjoying what I was watching.
Next thing I realized, I wake up at 11am, dick in hand with lube, lube spilled all over my body and sheets and porn still playing and the neighbors can clearly see what happened.
I live in an apartment area, and at the first floor so everybody next door saw everything. The neighbor right in front of me was having lunch and raised his glass to say cheers to me and smiled.
Advice: cover all your bases before jerking off, and don't jerk under the influence.
I'm not really sure if this is NSFW or not but I'll tag it just incase. I've struggled for a while with talking to girls and I recently decided to start talking to this girl about the elections. I just decided that since we didn't go to school matter it didn't really matter as much about what I said, Kinda a douchebag thing to do but idk. We've known each other for a while but stopped talking so we haven't talked in a while. Anyways we talked for a few days and she decided to FaceTime me. I have some self image issues and kind of hid my face a little but we talked for a while and she called me cute and stuff like that. I got more confidence and was just making joke after joke and she seemed really into it. We started sending back some pretty sexual texts and as she said she was gonna go to bed she had one last gift for me and for me to look at the screen and there she was with her boobs out. I'm a younger teen and this is really the first time I've seen boobs that aren't in porn. Anyways once I get ungrounded we're gonna start hanging out. I know this sounds pretty virgin like but I'm super stoked and can't tell anyone I know in real life.
Never, EVER put diet coke and mentos in your ass
Y’all know about the prostate gland? The male rub-to-cum? Yea that thing. This is the glorious story of how I tried (and failed) to stimulate it.
The Buildup
I was drinking Pepsi and reading an article on how prostate stimulation intensifies orgasms. So, I had the genius idea of using coke to stimulate my ass. WCGW? I mean that the carbonation feels... good in my mouth, so It should work in my ass. As an engineer, there are many logistical challenges to bypass when trying to insert coke into one’s asshole.
Q: How do I put cola in my anus in the first place?
A: You use the rim of the bottle and stick it directly in the anus.
Q: How do I make sure that the coke stays there?
A: You don’t. That’s where I fucked up
Now, with a half-assed plan, I went to the store. As I was checking out, I saw a pack mentos. Time to bring this to level two. I put back the original coke and bought diet coke instead. All 2 liters of glory.
The disaster
20 mins later...
With three mentos in my ass, I gingerly lowered the rim to my rim and poured. The reaction was nearly instant. With the tidal force of a tsunami, the bottle was violently ejected from my ass. A pressure was building up, and the gates of hell opened. I felt Satan’s sugary fire burst from my asshole onto the bed. Holy shit, you would not realize the panic I had. There was a pain, both emotional and physical. The sugary wet fart, the sound of a thousand ass-trumpets creating a heavenly cacophony. I saw the light, I saw the dark. I felt The intense sting of carbonation, I experienced nothing and everything. I had found God, and he was punishing me. There was the maddening sensation of your asshole bending over itself, inside out, shrinking, expanding. It was worse than any experience ever. My brain still cannot comprehend the sensations, but they were torturous. I have contemplated what hell might feel like, and I know that I could find peace there. My bed was soaked with shit-coke. Lord, how am I to clean up.
Don't ever try what I did.
The aftermath
I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Don’t try anything insane. Avoid the asshole.
Also, TIL that the human asshole can stretch 8 centimeters without damage.
TL;DR: Stick to beating your meat, folks.
I was hungry so i decided to eat some bbq wings and watch some anime. there was about 6 of it and i ate 3 and a half. that was when i started to feel a bit funky on my hand and mouth, and i thought to myself "wow, these bacteria are extra rough today". i used the flashlight on my phone to see what was going on and there was an army of ants covering my hands and i shit you not, i cough once and my mouth is a shotgun that shoots ants as bullets. i was covered in fear and ants and the urge to scream, but the fear of asian parents is stronger. i can only cry silently in a dark and quiet room, all alone, while being violated by ants.
