I fucking love the minecraft bee. The minecraft bee is the only thing that gets me off anymore. Normal porn just won't cut it, I swear. I can get it up, but NEVER cum. No matter how hard I try. So I've gotta switch tabs, go to e621 and search minecraft bee. I just wanna be normal, but it's so hard- little cute minecraft bees are just so fucking hot. I imagine dominating them while they squeal in pleasure-Fuck, I'm hard just typing this. Of course, I'll jack to any minecraft creature. It's all just so fucking hot. I can only get off to the bee anymore, but that's ok, you know? But am I a furry? Of course not. Jacking off to the minecraft bee doesn't make me a furry, I just really wanna fuck it. I can cum in a minimum of 2 minutes.
I'm not exactly someone that gets spooked that easily. I can handle horror, creepy games, jumpscares or whatever. I usually even enjoy them. But something about Minecraft is just so terrifying to me. First of all the monsters are somehow just so scary. Even though it are literally just blocks and I've seen so much worse without feeling anything. But even when I put the game on "peaceful" which removes all the monsters I'm still scared. Whenever I bump into something I get the scared, whenever a chicken walks past I get scared, whenever it becomes night I get really scared. I get scared by everything and the game itself makes me really anxious. I just don't get it. It's so stupid and weird but I just can't play it.
Account permanently banned
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I have an idea for the Minecraft 2.0 update. We will finally get all the important things that we have been missing for the longest time. After years and years of eating, the player character (most commonly Steve) has eaten lots of food. But, all of this food after all of these years has had nowhere to go. But fret not, because in the biggest update ever Steve will take the biggest shit ever. The more food you have eaten across all of your Minecraft worlds, the more blocks that will slowly slide out of Steve’s gaping anus. The process to obtain this will be fully animated, and these blocks will have a very special property. They have a stinky effect that wards off all mobs, unless of course the mob in particular has the poop kink from the next part of this update. Mobs will now have fully animated breeding animations, Along with kinks. Some animals will get into a breeding state by being hit, others will be attracted to your shit, and this along with possibly more than 50 other kinks. This is the breed and feed update.
So. Lets rule out both the zombie and the zombie pigman due to rotting flesh. Next we throw out the silverfish due to size and also have you seen the fuckers irl? Next, I’m throwing out both spiders because that’s just too many eyes, fangs, legs, and hair. Also the blaze, because while it probably could do some oral stuff, it’s also on fire, which is hazardous.
We started with 13 and are now at 7.
The magma cube is rock on the outside and magma on the inside; from unpleasant to outright dangerous. The skeleton is also bone, which is an unpleasant texture, no matter which end of the fucking you’re on. The ghast does have a fine mouth, but it’s too big. Either you’re getting busted open by that painfully big tongue, or you’re throwing a hotdog down a hallway. The same issue is even more pronounced with the ender dragon, since even that ender cloaca would be unsatisfying.
This leaves us with 3 potential candidates. The creeper, the enderman, and the slime.
There is something I’ve been leaving out until now. The most important thing in any such matter.
CONSENT
Neither the creeper nor the slime has the intellectual capacity to give consent. This means that fucking them, or many of the other hostile mobs here, would be akin to bestiality.
This leaves us with a clear answer.
The smooth, mysterious, tall lanky fellow of everyone’s wet dreams and nightmares. The enderman. Were these tall, sexy people once human? What can that mouth do? So many questions, and all the time in the world…
