libtards copypasta

I attempted to take down Ben Shapiro

The other day I attempted to take down Ben Shapiro by digging up offensive Tweets. Hours upon hours I scrolled, looking through libtard destruction through the years in hopes of finding something to destroy the smug bastard. Finally, I found something. Half chubbed, I chortled, "finally! A weapon to defeat Daddy Shapiro! I'll go call the DNC!"

Suddenly I hear a rumbling sound in the distance. As it starts growing louder I knew I was in for a fight. Suddenly, my door flies open so fast it disappears, presumably with all the other libtards who have been destroyed. He's here. Stepping through the door, Chad energy radiating from him, is Ben Shapiro. "So, you dare challenge me libtard?" Ben asked with a smirk. I stayed silent, simply allowing my chub to grow to 75%. "Well you're in for a fight." He said as he conjured up a 5 foot long gavel out of thin air.

I wasted no time, rushing straight for him, but Shapiro was prepared and blocked me. "You're a quick one aren't you?" He chuckled, before bashing me with his gavel. As 82 genders were knocked out of me, I fell to the floor and saw him standing above, laughing. "And here I thought you'd put up a good fight. Shameful."

I wasn't out yet; I still had tricks up my sleeve. I ran to my computer and searched for Tumblr. My ace in the hole. As I began reading off blogs shaming straight white men, I could see him weakening. Lucky for me my cuck powers allowed me to be unaffected. Knowing he was weak, I searched for DeviantArt. He knew my plan. As I searched up gay furry porn he closed his eyes and approached me before shouting facts and logic into my ears.

I fell out of my chair and recoiled. Something had taken over me. The facts and logic were too much. He had defeated me. Looking over me with his gavel, he destroyed the computer and said, "heh, another libtard destroyed." He then swung his gavel down, popping my testicles like a balloon filled with spaghetti and meatballs before shooting out through the ceiling. As I reached peak cuck-atude, I vowed my revenge towards Ben. Although he was gone, I still heard his voice in my head, saying "okay this is epic."

To think that every event since the Big Bang has led up to your pathetic existence

To think that every event since the Big Bang has led up to your pathetic existence should make anyone depressed. However, I do take great solace in the fact that you will leave no legacy (outside of being an douche) in any domain, will be crippled by mental instability for the rest of your pathetic life, and will likely die nameless and alone. It’s actually genuinely saddening that thousands of likable, emotionally stable and intelligent people die of illness everyday, yet you remain.

Ben Shapiro ok this is epic

So today, for the first time, my little toddler finally counted to ten. Everyone was celebrating, saying how proud they are in my kid, and then Ben Shapiro kicks open the door. "Oh you think it's impressive that they can count to ten? I can count to one million." and then proceeded, in my living room for the next two weeks, to count to one million. He then said "yep, another libtard destroyed" and then curbstomped my kid.

Raped by Ben Shapiro

I was RAPED once.

I was a 16 YEAR OLD VIRGIN LIBERAL and one night I was walking home from the library. FRIGHTENED I took a shortcut down A DARK ALLEY. I heard a SINISTER LAUGH and BEN SHAPIRO jumped out from behind a trash can! "Well well," he sneered, "looks like the INVISIBLE HAND has ensured that my DEMAND is met by your SUPPLY. What a TRIUMPH OF THE FREE MARKET..."

I said capital always accumulates in the hands of the wealthy, but to no avail. He just laughed and whipped out his THROBBING 12 CHAPTER TREATISE. He shoved me roughly against the wall and started filling my ear with STEAMY CITATIONS. I struggled but got SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH ROCK HARD DATA for my efforts.

MEWLING AND WHIMPERING I tried to check his privilege. He just bellowed, "YOUR RESISTANCE ONLY MAKES MY CONCLUSIONS FIRMER!" I started to explain power theory and he RAMMED MY OWN WORDS DOWN MY THROAT. My premises and spirit broken, I couldn't get a word in edgewise because I was GAGGING ON SLIMY MEATY ARGUMENTS.

It was awful. His HUGE ARGUMENT was TOO BIG to fit inside my TIGHT VIRGIN BRAIN. Some of the founder facts he PULLED OUT only to immediately JAM BACK INSIDE. It seemed to go on forever but finally, FORCING ME OPEN, his PENETRATING ARGUMENT came to a CLIMAX. It was agony as ROUND AFTER ROUND of THICK ROPY FACTS and HOT STICKY LOGIC were PUMPED DEEP INSIDE me.

Weeping, I lay in a PUDDLE OF STINKING NEOCON RHETORIC. I didn't see where he went, but BEN SHAPIRO'S VIRILE IDEAS had been irresistibly PLANTED DEEP INSIDE me. I tried to abort the memory, but NINE MONTHS LATER I was BORN AGAIN CONSERVATIVE.

This is my truth. POUND ME TOO!

Let’s say you’ve been a bad girl

Let's say you've been a bad girl. Let's say, hypothetically, you've been a naughty girl even. Ok, and if you were a naughty girl, you would be my dirty little slut right? Then hypothetically speaking, you would be my little cumslut. Now, let's say you're also daddy's girl.

Now that we have established that you are both a bad girl and daddy's girl, I believe you'd agree with me when I say that you deserve a spanking. Am I not correct? A bad girl deserves a spanking, and as I am daddy, you are my girl, so I am the one who must provide punishment.

Ben Shapiro ordering pizza

Hello, is this Pizza Hut?

Excellent. My name is Ben Shapiro. Conservative thought leader. Prominent white YouTuber. The Muggsy Bogues of the intellectual dark Web. And—look, it’s just a fact—I would like to order some pizza pie. If you are triggered by that request, I do not care. I truly do not.

Now let’s discuss conditions. First, thank you for agreeing to debate me. Typically, in fora such as this, I am met with ad-hominem mudslinging, anything from “You racist creep” or “Is that your real voice?” to raucous schoolyard laughter and threats of the dreaded “toilet swirly.” However, your willingness to engage with me over the phone on the subject of pizza shows an intellectual fortitude and openness to dangerous ideas which reflects highly on your character. Huzzah, good sir. Huzzah.

Second, any pizza I order will be male. None of this “Our pizza identifies as trans-fluid-pan-poly”—no. Pizza is a boy. With a penis. It’s that simple. It’s been true for all of human history, from Plato to Socrates to Mr. Mistoffelees, and any attempt to rewrite the pillars of Western thought will be met with a hearty “Fuh!” by yours truly. And, trust me, that is not a fate you wish to meet.

Now. With regard to my topping preference. I have eaten from your pizzeria in times past, and it must be said: your pepperoni is embarrassingly spicy. Frankly, it boggles the mind. I mean, what kind of drugs are you inhaling over there? Pot?! One bite of that stuff and I had to take a shower. So tread lightly when it comes to spice, my good man. You do not want to see me at my most epic. Like the great white hero of Zack Snyder’s classic film “300,” I will kick you.

Onions, peppers—no, thank you. If I wanted veggies, I’d go to a salad bar. I’m not some sort of vegan, Cory Booker weirdo. And your efforts to Michelle Obama-ize the great American pizza pie are, frankly, hilarious. Though not as funny as the impressively named P’Zone—when I finally figured out that genuinely creative pun, I laughed until I cried and peed. A true Spartan admits defeat, and I must admit that, in this instance, your Hut humor slayed me, Dennis Miller style.

And, with that, you have earned my order. Congratulations. Ahem. Without further ado, I would like your smallest child pizza, no sauce, extra cheese. Hello? Aha. A hang-up. Another triggered lib, bested by logic. Damn it. I’m fucking starving.