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pinis surgry love story

    Boy: im going pinis surgery


Girl: ok i love you


Boy love tou t2 bby


Boy wak upo see doc no gf


Boy; where my gf


Doc who do you tiphink gave you the pinis


Boy: what

    AITA For Killing My Political Rival To Win The Election?

      Using an alt account because of people trace this back to me my reelection chances might get hurt.

I (74M) am finishing up my first term as President of the United States of America. Let me tell you, America is an incredible country, probably one of the best countries in the whole nation. As my reelection comes closer and closer, my opponent Sleepy Joe has been leading in approval ratings, and I began to get worried. Let me tell you, I am the best at being worried. Just ask anybody in my administration, I get worried like no other president. Anyways, I was considering putting Sleepy Joe to sleep for good, which I think is a service not only to his family, but also the nation as a whole. I was going to ask my good pal Putin to borrow some of that poison he’s using to silence the libtards in his country. So Reddit, am I the asshole?

EDIT: I’m not Donald Trump.

EDIT 2: Stop saying I’m Donald Trump.

EDIT 3: Bitches I got the nuclear launch codes keep testing me and you can say bye bye to the Caribbean’s.

EDIT 4: Adios Bahamas.

REAL EDIT (Ignore if not the FBI): For legal reasons, this is all revolving a Minecraft server with my friends, not the current political events surrounding the United States. No public officials are being threatened here, just my friends virtual avatar. Don’t worry FBI, we’re all good.

      I live in fear of my giant dong.

        So today, I decided to measure my cock, just to look and see, like every man does. I planned to report back to my dudes... For the boys, y’know? So I get a boner, and I measure it with a ruler from my mom’s desk drawer... and it’s too fucking big for anyone to believe me if I told them. I’m now having a moral crisis, because if I tell the bros about my huge cock, they won’t believe me. But momma didn’t raise a liar. So now I’m stuck between having a brosation with my guys about my huge fucking horse cock, or forever hiding in the third leg closet. How do I come about coping with the knowledge that I have a giant pulsing lightsaber dong?

        TIFU by using Belle Delphine’s Gamer Girl condoms

          Quick backstory to why I even had one in the first place (I'm not a simp I swear)

A couple weeks ago it was my irl cake day and as a joke/gag gift, my friend bought 2 gamer girl condoms as he knew my gf and I were getting it on and wanted to embarrass us (we all laughed and no one was upset). I open up the small package and see the 2 of them just sitting there and couldn't control my laughter. But that's not why you're here to. Let's fast forward 2 days. My gf and I are starting to get steamy and right as we get that feeling, I realize I don't have any condoms and didn't buy any recently. So, in my stroke of genius, I remember the gift and go to my closet, take one, do a mental happy tap dance, and proceed (anyone over the age of 13 knows what happened next). Alright, let's now fast forward to yesterday. The past couple days my gf has been feeling off. Mostly an upset stomach. She also said she had this weird feeling as she said she was supposed to be on her girls days a few days ago (I don't know how they know that stuff). Then she looks at me with fear in her eyes as she nearly yells Oh GOD and say we have to go to the drugstore right now. So we do that, she goes into the bathroom, and. She's. Pregnant. My first thought was holy shit ima be a dad, then how would we support the kid. My gf hugs me and we just sit there, not knowing what to do. She isn't sure she's ready for a for a kid. But I'm going to fast forward again 5 minutes to when I wonder how this happened in the first place. Then I remember the condom. So I return to my closet, open the second one, put my finger in it and rub it against my hand. In 5 minutes, I can see tears start to appear (I had a bit of lube of it to recreate the circumstances). And I knew that's how it happened. That's how I fucked up by using Gamer girl condoms. Thank you if u managed to read this far, fuckin legend.

TL:DR I got my gf pregnant bc of sucky condoms

Edit: I'll give an update in a few days to a week.

          Yeah, I have Spotify Premium.

            You talking to me? Sorry, couldn't hear you, I was listening to my tunes with Spotify Premium. What was that? Yeah I have Spotify Premium. Sure, it's a monthly expense, but in my eyes (or ears) it outweighs the frustration of ads. Oh, sure, I could just deal with ads. But, you see, I simply don't have that kind of time. I come from a very prestigious upbringing, nothing the likes of you could understand. No offense, of course, ha ha! I jest. But nonetheless, I am simply swimming in currency and but a few coppers are a small price to pay to consume the media you simpletons refer to as "music". Furthermore, by paying money to Spotify, I support workers rights. I put food on families tables. I am basically the white Martin Luther King. Truly, you should be ashamed that you actually listen to advertisements.

            YandereDev on anime tiddies

              Anyone who spends more than 5 minutes in my presence knows that I never stop talking about how much I love busty, curvy, voluptuous anime ladies. Anyone who starts "digging for dirt" on me quickly learns that a pedophile narrative is never going to hold up, since I can't go longer than 60 seconds without talking about big boobs and thick booties.