This. This. Oh, I like your comment, so I reply, This. This. This this this. Thissity thissity this. This. Thisssss. Thisssssssssss. Thissssssssahhh. Thissahhhh. This. This. This. Whoooo, boy, I'm just the most FUCKING original person ever, for replying, This. This this this and a whiffle ball bat. Hey. Hey. Hey guy. Hey reddit person. Hey. Notice me. Hey. I was going to say the exact same thing you said, to a T, but you said it first, ho ho ho aren't you quick on the draw, Johnny on the spot. But that's ok, because reddit will know, EVERYONE. WILL. KNOW. That I had the exact same thought cross my brainius cranius. So this. This. This. A thousand million bajillion cuntillion times this. T to the H to the I to motherfucking supercalifragilisticexpialadociorificglificacligistictical S. Ththththththththththththththathis. This.
This happened a few days ago, but the effects have only become truly apparent in the last day or so.
As a man, I always found it deeply unfair that genetics would grant me a paucity of hair on my chin, but an abundance in my arsecrack. Equally, it seemed some odd evolutionary jest that we should need hair around our buttholes. It makes about as much sense to me as trying to clean peanut butter from a hessian rug with a piece of tissue paper. What possible reason could I have for needing hair there?
With these thoughts in mind, I decided it was time to defy God and his cruel designs, and shave my asshole. Things were great for about an hour, and the regret began to settle in.
Let me educate you about the things you might expect if you decide to follow my path:
1. My farts now come out of the top of my ass crack. With the hair that previously prevented my cheeks from forming a seal removed, my farts now form a cavity of air that travels up my ass crack and out the top. This is very unnerving. Sort of like having your farts walk up your back.
2. Friction. This should have been obvious and I was a fool to miss it. My butt cheeks now rub together, and while it isn't chafing or painful, it feels weird and I'm not getting used to it.
3. Stubble. Oh my god, the stubble. I used a razor to shave, and now I have the homegrown equivalent of a brillo pad tearing my delicate ring apart. When it isn't scratchy, it's itchy. And it's itching my actual asshole, not just the cheeks. This is the part I'm currently suffering from the most.
Needless to say, all this friction against my tight little starfish has induced numerous unwanted orgasms both in public and at home. Fellow Redditors be warned, if you don't want to jizz your pants when the cute underage cashier at the grocery store smiles at you because your jeans chafed against your freshly-shaven crack, causing you to suddenly fantasize about her pegging you, do not make the same mistake as me.
Cleanup on aisle 4 ;)
KEY: A.= TACOBIZZLE B.= xS109xEROWk 1 C.= x15Kx ORTIZ
C: Why don’t you guys fucking learn how to actually play fucking the game and talk shit?
A: I swear to god dawg I know how to shoot a fucking gun you fucking puss
B: I am playing the game I’m using a fucking riot shield what else do you want me to use?
A: OOooOOOoh RIOT SHIELD IM A PUSSY AND USE RIOT SHIELD
B: Oh and now I’m a fu-
A: You fucking faggot.
B: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO USE?
A: SHUT THE FUCK UP FAGGOT
B: YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING USE
A: LOOK AT YOU YOU’RE TEN-FIFTEEN.
B: YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
A: TEN FIFTEEN YOU FUCKING FAG
A: TEN
B: YOU TELL ME WHAT TO FUCKING USE
A: FIFTEEN
B: HUH? YOU TELL ME WHAT TO FUCKING USE! HUH? TELL ME WHAT TO FUCKING USE-
A: SHUUT THE FUCK UP
B: TO PLAY THE FUCKING GAME-
A: SHUUUT THE FUCK UP. PUSSY
B: AND I’LL STILL FUCKING MERC YOU
A: PUSSY
B: YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKING FAGGOT
A: PUUUSSSY!
B: THATS RIGHT! YUM YUM YUM YUM I EAT DICK ALL DAY! YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM I EAT DICK
A: YOU EAT DICK?! YOU EAT DICK NIGGA?! WHAT A FUCKING HOMO
B: EXACTLY-
A: YOU EAT DICK! MY NIGGA SAY HE EAT DICK!! YOU A HOMO NIIIGGGAAA!
B: I WAS MAKING FUN OF YOU YA DICK HEAD! FUCKING SHEETBLOCK LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER-
A: YOU’RE MAKING FUN OF YOURSELF YOU FUCKING IDIOT
B: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
A: YOU LOOK LIKE A LOSER RIGHT NOW YOU SELF PRESTIGIOUS RIOT SHIELD BITCH
B: FUCKING SHEETBLOCK MOTHERFUCKER THATS WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE! YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING EWOK
A: KEEP USING YOUR RIOT SHIELD FAGGOT! KEEP USING YOUR RIOT SHILD!
B: BECAUSE YOUR MOMS A FUCKING FISTER
A: SHES USING YOUR RIOT SHIELD PUSSY!
(Laughter from witnesses)
A: NICE TRY BITCH! SHUT THE FUCK UP
B: NO YOU’RE GETTING THE MUTE AWARD-
A: SHUUT THE FUCK UP
B: YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKING FAGGOT
A: SHUUUT THE FUCK UP
B: KEEP SUCKING THAT DICK! YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM KEEP SUCKING THAT DICK
A: YOU JUST LOVE DOING THAT VOICE-
B: SUCK ON IT LIKE A LOLLY
A: YOU FUCKING FAGGOT. STUPID ASS HOMO ASS NIGGA.
(Closing Laughter)
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