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There should be a reddit-wide ban on “I’m gonna kill myself”

    Nowadays it's like 20 people per day saying shit like that. There should be a system that automatically filters them out and sends the appropriate resources to the person in need. If the resources work, great! If they don't, at least no one else has to live with the knowledge that like 20 redditors killed themselves today. Without this ban, there's a chance that someone only stays alive because their post got like 200 upvites and thought "Oh now I am something!" It's depressing.
    
    Edit: thanks guys got my first Reddit care message

    Claiming to have 80gb of horse porn doesn’t make you cool

      80gb of horse porn copypasta
      Claiming to have 80gb of horse porn doesn't make you cool or hilarious, it just shows that you have awful taste in horse porn.
      
      Horses only last for a minute or two tops when fucking, most horse porn is like 240p so they take up very little megabytes, if you have long 10-20 minute videos this isn't the horse fucking it is some girl just sucking on and jerking the soft dick of a horse for most of the 10-20 minutes, most horse porn is poorly performed meaning the girls stand on the side and try to 'dildo' themselves with the horse dick rather than actually getting fucked and that's not in the spirit of horse porn. 80 gigabytes of that shit would be 99% low quality videos of women standing around fondling soft horse dick, if you can even find 80 gigabytes to begin with.
      
      Somehow horse porn is legal in the US but actually fucking horses is a felony, it doesn't make sense. Gays don't get stoned to death anymore, why are we being hypocrites towards people who fuck horses?

      Finding a vibrator in my sisters room

        Good god what a day.
        
        So I was minding my business in my room, when I start hearing this buzzing noise from somewhere. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, and honestly it sounded like a vacuum coming from the room above. It goes on for a few minutes until my mom comes into my room and asks me where the noise is coming from. At the time it’s just me and my mom in our house, so we start investigating. Sure enough it’s coming from my sisters room, underneath her bed. My mom asks me to retrieve whatever’s making the noise.
        
        “What is it?”
        
        I reach under the bed, and I find what’s making the noise. Oh no
        
        I lie. “Uhh, yeah it’s an alarm clock”
        
        “Can you take it out?”
        
        I start panicking inside “Uhh sorry I can’t it’s stuck”
        
        “What do you mean it’s stuck?”
        
        “Idk wait give me a sec I need a flashlight”
        
        I rush back to my room and at this point I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to expose my sister and idk how my mom would react. My mom is feeling a bit sick so she can’t reach down there herself. I grab my alarm clock and go back to my sisters room.
        
        I hid it from my mom but I pretend to reach for something under the bed, and I show my alarm clock to my mom. Thankfully she doesn’t know it’s mine. So the official story now is that her alarm clock went off bc it was set at the wrong time.
        
        My sister gets home, and my mom scolds her for setting her alarm clock at the wrong time. She looks confused since she doesn’t have one. I tell her to be more careful about her alarm clock next time. I think she knows what happened, she hasn’t left the room for awhile.
        
        tl/dr: I found a vibrator underneath my sister’s bed, created a lie to prevent my mom from finding out. she now owes me big time

        IShowSpeed God is good

          IShowSpeed "God is good" copypasta
          ISHOWSPEED, this song changed my life. My entire view of everything that exists in this world, in fact, even in the entire universe. I can never look at anything I know the same way again. This song represents emotions that most humans could never understand. But I can. Thanks to this song I was awakened to many things previously considered unimaginable. Thank you for this exquisite song,
          🎵God is good. God is great. God is goo-ooo-🎵
          
          WOOOOOORAAAAAAAAAAAA
          W Stream
          GOD IS GOO-OO-OO-OOOOOOOOOUGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAH A HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
          🎵 GOD IS GOOD, GOD IS GREAT, GOD IS GOOOO, OOOOO- 🎵 OUUUUURAUUUUUUUGH

          Will Smith Slap

            Chris Rock: “Jada—I love ya! G.I. Jane 2, can’t wait to see it! 😄 Alright?”
            
            Will Smith & Audience: 😂👏👏
            
            Jada: 🙄
            
            Chris Rock: 🤷🏿‍♂️😂 “It’s ju—that was a NICE one…okay..! I’m out here…uh oh….Richard..😂..!”
            
            Will Smith: 🤨😡👣
            
            Chris Rock & Audience: 🤣🤣🤣
            
            Will Smith: 😡👋🏿➡️🧑🏿‍🦱
            
            Chris Rock: 🧑🏿‍🦱😳 “O-oh WOW!!….wow….Will Smith just smacked the shit outta me!”
            
            Audience: 🤣🤣
            
            Chris Rock: 😄 “N—“
            
            Will Smith: 🤬 “Keep my WIFE’S NAME out your FUCKIN’ MOUTH!!”
            
            Audience: 😳😨😱
            
            Chris Rock: 😨 “Wowww dude!”
            
            Will Smith: 😡 “Yeah!”
            
            Chris Rock: 🤨 “It was a G.I. JANE joke….”
            
            Will Smith: 😡😡🤬🤬🤬 “KEEP. MY WIFE’S NAME. OUT. YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!”
            
            Chris Rock: 😟 “I’m GOING to okay??”
            
            Will Smith: 😡
            
            Chris Rock: “I coul—oh… okay……😳…that was a….greatest night in the history of television…….okay…”
            
            Audience: 😂😂😂
            
            Chris Rock: sighs “…Okay…” 😶

            I literally get second hand embarrassment from this sub

              r/teenagers in a nutshell
              If a single post mentions a girl all you fucking see in the comments is shit like "booba" "milkers" "titties" like literally how the fuck aren't any of you embarrassed of yourselves, seriously look at yourselves. Would u want anyone in real life to see you commenting this shit? probably fucking not and your all like literally fucking 13 anyway. I'm convinced half this whole fucking subreddit is just 500 pound landwhales behind the screen, you all have literally no lives, how about you just go watch porn instead of living out your sexual fantasies in a subreddit for fucking teenagers. Y'all need to grow up.
              
              Also if I see one single fucking "but its horny teenagers what do u expect" im literally gonna go fucking insane or something, being hormonal isnt an excuse for this kinda shit, its weird.
              
              Please next time before you go to make some weird ass creepy comment, just think, would you still make that comment if you weren't anonymous? If the answer is no, then the comment doesn't belong here, go to a porn subreddit or something.