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Did I ever tell you how my buddy lost his penis?

    Yeah, so we were out on the trail about four years back just doing some leafbooting, ya know, while things were crunchy and we were walking for maybe an hour or so when he tells me he has to take a piss, and I’m like, “Yeah, sure, bud. I’ll just sit tight right here”, as my own bladder sloshes around like a Christian's fishbowl, and so I see him walk out to a nice wide tree, ya know, one that can really take a blasting, and this tree isn’t far, so he pulls his dong out and I can see he’s bricked up, like fully bricked up because we had been at it all afternoon and his ol’ boy had been tucked in warm pants for a while so that fresh air must have woke him up—nothing weird, happens to everyone—and so as he’s peeling the bark off that sturdy, ancient, elm, a doe, a deer, swerves its head around the other side and, pal, it’s got a look in its eyes that I had not seen before and not seen since, and my buddy is frozen in place, paralyzed by a powerful piss, and that deer just waits patiently and watches, and I’m watching, and my buddy is watching, and as soon as his dong bobs up and down with those last few spurts, the deer wraps its mouth around his penis, and remember, my buddy is bricked up from the fresh air, and so this deer is latched on and just going to town on my guy over there, and it’s like porn-style sloppy with the gagging and slurping noises and strings of thick saliva, and my buddy doesn’t know what to do because, I mean c’mon, this is a delicate situation here, what with a wily cervid putting the juicy clamps and his cock and everything, so I’m scared, but I don’t want to get close to him because I know my own penis is just one flimsy zipper away from flopping out and going full mongrel, and the fellatey smell in the air was gonna assure that was gonna happen, and yeah, so my buddy is like trying to gently release the deer, but also just getting slob jobbed into oblivion, and just when he’s about give me a thumbs up and throw his hands on top of his head to let it ride—Snap!—she bites that thing clean off with all the juiciness of a freshly chargrilled bratwurst, and that deer with a mouthful of dong giddy-ups deep into the woods where we couldn’t possible be able to follow, and he’s stunned and I’m stunned and we’re both staring at his dick stump, and we’re both sorta impressed because that was a clean bite, like super clean, like it didn’t even start bleeding right away, and my theory is that this dick biting deer had bitten a dick before and she’ll bite a dick again, so suffice it to say, my buddy and I have not hiked that trail again without wearing steel panties like the ranger suggests.

    Please God, I want to impregnate Kuki Shinobu so bad

      Please God, I want to impregnate Kuki Shinobu so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant ninja. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins.

Kuki Shinobu is beyond divine. I can’t help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.

I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich coconut milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety Inazuman cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment.

She’s so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her pure, white pantsuit. I want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides ice cubes down my gaping pisshole.

I want to fuck her like she owes me money. I would let her step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of her feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under her just to catch her drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from her shower drain just to smell her alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep her with me always. Or cock rings. Whichever would please her more.

God please, I would do anything for her. I would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on her feet so that I may warm her mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that she may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become her doorstep, so that she may wipe her heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don’t know what I’d do after that, or why she might want my limbs. But I would do it.

My queen, my goddess, the light of my life. Please God, let me have her. I want her to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Dango milk syrup from her fingers and fill her belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give her a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve her breakfast in bed. I would let her eat her eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased her, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.

I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste the seat of her car but once. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, nothing I wouldn’t say. I would beat my own mother to death with my engorged penis if it would bring a smile to Shinobu's shining face. I wouldn’t even let myself cum until she gave me permission.

I love you, Kuki Shinobu. Please. Be mine. Be my wife, my lover, my everything. Say yes. I see it in your eyes, when you’re up there on that debate stage talking about the Arataki Gang's juvenile crimes or whatever. Get to C6, respond to my 10x pulls. Something. Give me a sign, Shinobu. I’m waiting for you.

I’ll always be waiting for you.

      We circumcise all our gorillas because the eldest gorilla is Jewish

        At my zoo, we circumcise all our gorillas because the eldest gorilla is Jewish and demands it. We can't argue with faith, and since we also shave our gorillas, we find the circumcised gorilla penises to be much more visually appealing, and I know our guests enjoy that touch as well because I've had many, many people come up to me and tell me how much they admire the penises on our shaved, Jewish gorillas, and that's when I take the opportunity to try to convert them to Judaism on the elder gorilla's behalf. I just want to make papa proud. I'd say at least a dozen or so people convert every summer, especially after the body show that the gorillas put on every 4th of July. It's part of why we shave them. We pump our gorillas up with the best bodybuilding supplements, legal and otherwise, so that they become absolutely jacked. They spend most of their time lifting weights and wrestling each other for sport and male bonding. The elder gorilla oversees the matches and presents a banana to the winner. That's what makes the body shows so popular. The elder gorilla is always very excited to show of the strength of faith instilled in his troop of Jewish, shaved, jacked gorillas. It's a very compelling argument, especially when you see how playfully those circumcised gorilla penises dangle in the morning summer sunlight, still with beads of dew clinging to that charcoal black gorilla dick skin. It's amazing what gorillas can do when they follow God's will and keep their hearts full of God's love.

        Harizzment

          i have 206 bones but when i see you i got 207
          She wasn't medusa, yet I was still rock hard when I looked at her.
          when i see you in the summer through your window without consent i bloom a liquid from my inner thoughts
          did u fart cuz u blew me away
          Thou are the majestic wip to my holy nay nay
          1 fish 2 fish red fish blue fish

          Poetic Rizz

            If you were the sun I'd continue staring even though I'd go blind, as your beauty overcomes the sense of pain I shall feel just to see you.
            Just as the autumn leaves, descend from the trees, I fall for you every season
            No pencil, no paper yet somehow you draw my attention
            No matter how glorious the stars in the night sky are, I will always watch them through your eyes
            Your presence alone will make the angels question their own perfection
            Your eyes are like clouds for even when they fill with sorrow and drown the land, they paint the sky with unimaginable beauty.
            If I had a flower for every thought of you, I could walk through my garden for eternity
            You're the moon to my tide,
The one who pulls me by your side.
            If I got a flower for every time I thought of you I would have only one as you never left my mind, and that flower I would give to you
            As the sun comes up, you have no shadow, because there is nothing that can replicate your beauty.
            like a piece of art
my eyes cannot help
but gaze upon the strokes
of which God had created
for he created a being as
beautiful as you
            My love I am nothing more than an empty piece of paper for your inspiration is what truly draws me near completion
            If you were the stars I would devote my life to being an astronomer, if only to begin to understand your beauty
            If you are the angel of death I'm willing to die a million times just to see your beauty. If you are the angel of life I'm willing to be immortal.
            If I had to wait my entire life for your love, I would. for when I’ve withered away, I’d be glad i got to experience heaven before I even reached it.
            And if the gods were to give me eternal life, I’d turn it down. For a world without you is no different than death itself
            when I can’t be with you I read your favorite book, listen to your favorite song, watch your favorite movie, because in them I find little bits of you
            If I were a flower and you were the wind, I would let you wither me by making my petals fly, just to feel your touch.
            If I were to stare at your eyes for forever, I would tell people I saw the entire galaxy without even looking at the sky.
            If you're the moon, then I am the tide, for I flow under your command, forever longing for you, as you are my purpose
            My darkest days are shifted with a slight gaze of your fascinating looks. Your beautiful dark eyes are the last fiber holding my shattered heart.
            For if every star in the sky went out I would never know for she outshined them anyways
            If you were a grain of sand I’d search every beach and dessert looking for you and your beautifulness no matter how long I will have to look
            If I was blinded the moment I lay eyes on you, I would not grieve, for in the instance, I truly gazed upon perfection.
            You are the sun to my sunflower, i will always be glancing at your gorgeous light as i follow you around amidst the bright morning.
            My dear, every time your eyes cry like the sea, I will be the sand that waits for you on the shore to dry your tears.
            My dear, when you smile the earth shakes, the universe stops, the heavens collapse, and my heart bursts
            You are like the sun, even though you are miles away you still hurt my eyes
            They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but with the way you sway me with your warm embrace, even the blind can picture your elegance.
            You have no shadow, for nothing in this world is able to replicate the beauty you posses.
            You have stolen everything from me, the beat in my heart, the breath in my lungs, the thought in my brain, yet I only wish for you to steal more
            I had a night conversation with the moon, he told me about the sun, and I told him about you
            God must’ve put extra attention on you, for you shine amongst the angels and the devils beg for your forgiveness so that can feel your love
            They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but the way you sway me with your warm embrace even the blind could picture your grace.
            For if your flame should ever dwindle I will set this world ablaze to feel your warmth yet again
            If you were an ocean I'd be the salt so you couldn't be anything without me
            When you speak, you speak to me with words, when I look at you, I look at you with feelings
            If she carried Medusa’s curse I would still gaze into her eyes for I will be turned to stone and look at her beauty for eternity
            1 fish 2 fish red fish blue fish
            Thou are the majestic wip to my holy nay nay
            did u fart cuz u blew me away

            Tucker Carlson leaves Fox

              DADDY TUCKER IS FINALLY 🙌 GONE 🏃🏃 !!!! After years of using his 🙋 position 🏿🏿 as a 💰👌 PUSSY 🙅 PIMP to make 🖕 all 🕔 the 🖖🖼 bitches 🙋🍑 in the 💚 news do whatever he wants, 💋😩 Daddy 🤖🙈 Tucker finally 👌😲 decided 🤔👯 it’s 😩👂 time to 👐 move 🏃☝ on. 👌🏻 He 👉❓ is 🤔 now 😞 moving to 🔧 New York where 🤔 he will continue 🔁🔁 bringing you 😘 the 👏😨 news 💼 with 👏👏 his ✋ new show, “Tucker Carlson Tonight: The New York Edition” 👌👌 on 🔛 FOX 🐺 NEWS 🗣🎥 SIX From now 😢😤 on, 💔 Tucker is 🤔🔥 officially 🏻 off 😡 the 🏞 leash and is doing 😛 whatever he wants in ♂ your 💼⛵ never ending quest 🗺 to 💦🔭 find out 🌐🏍 what daddy thinks about everything 🏻 . Send 📱📧 this to 10 NEWSPUBESCENDENTS so 🔥💯 that you are always 🤔 aware 👌 of what Daddy thinks 👏