DUDE i just LOVE the hustle and bustle of the big city, it’s so DYNAMIC and makes me feel like i’m in one of my favourite TV SHOWS. you should totally come on down to my studio apartment, it’s got EXPOSED RED BRICK walls and everything, we can crack open a nice hoppy ipa or three and get crazy watching some cartoons on adult swim! and dude, dude, DUDE, we have GOTTA go down to the barcade- listen here, right, it’s a BAR where us ADULTS who do ADULTING can go DRINK. BUT!!!! it’s also an ARCADE like when we were kids, so we can play awesome VIDEO GAMES, without dumb kids bothering us. speaking of which megan and i have finally decided to tie the knot- literally -we’re both getting snipped tomorrow at the hospital, that way we can save money to spent more on ourselves and our FURBABIES. i’m fuckin JACKED man, i’m gonna SLAM this craft beer and pop open another one!!!

Who is Ivan Chesnokov?

Ivan Chesnokov appears to be a Russian poster on various firearms forums, most prominently 4chan /k/. Ivan is justifiably quite proud of Russian history and has strong views about firearms, especially about not modifying military surplus firearms. Well, “strong views” only hints at the depth of his convictions and the adamancy of his presentation.

Or on the other hand, possibly Ivan is just a wonderfully amusing troll.

I have tried to assemble an archive of his wisdom.

Ivan responds to railing an AK

WHY YOU WANT RAIL FOR KALASHNIKOV? IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH AS PROCURED FROM IZHEVSK MECHANICAL WORKS? YOU THINK NEEDS IMPROVEMENT? THEN MAYBE YOU FIND JOB WITH ARMY OF RUSSIA! YOU HAVE DRINKS WITH MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, TRADE STORY OF MANY WEAPONS DESIGNED AND DETAILS OF SCHOOL FOR ENGINEERING!

OR MAYBE YOU NOT DO THIS. PROBABLY IS BECAUSE YOU NEVER DESIGN WEAPON IN WHOLE LIFE. YOU LOOK AT FINE RUSSIAN RIFLE, THINK IT NEED CRAZY SHIT STICK ON ALL SIDES OF WEAPON. YOU HAVE DISEASE OF AMERICAN CAPITALIST, CHANGE THING THAT IS FINE FOR NO REASON EXCEPT TO LOOK DIFFERENT FROM COMRADE. YOU PUT CHEAP FLASHLIGHT OF CHINESE SLAVE FACTORY ON ONE SIDE, YOU PUT BAD SCOPE OF AMERICAN MIDDLE WEST ON OTHER SIDE, YOU PUT FRONT PISTOL GRIP ON BOTTOM SO YOU ARE LIKE AMERICAN MOVIE GUY JOHN RAMBO. MAYBE YOU PUT SEX DILDO ON TOP TO FUCK YOURSELF IN ASSHOLE FOR MAKING SHAMEFUL TRAVESTY OF RIFLE OF MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, NO?

RIFLE IS FINE. YOU FUCK IT, IT ONLY GET HEAVY AND YOU STILL NO HIT LARGEST SIDE OF BARN. GO TO FIRING RANGE, PRACTICE WITH MANY MAGAZINE OF CARTRIDGE. THEN YOU NOT NEED DUMB SHIT PUT ON SIDE OF RIFLE.

Ivan responds to a ‘Tacticool SKS’

WHAT IN FUCK IS DONE TO THIS POOR RIFLE? STUPID HICK AMERICAN WITH TEN GALLON HAT AND GIANT PICKUP TRUCK LOOKS AT PERFECTLY FINE SIMONOV KARBIN AND SAYS "NO, RIFLE NEED MORE DUMB SHIT ON IT"?

WHAT IS REASON FOR PISTOL GRIP? IF YOU NEED TO FIRE FROM HIP IN EMERGENCY, NOW HAND IS TWISTED INTO PAINFUL ANGLE AND YOU MISS EVERY ENEMY! LOOK AT WRONG ANGLE OF BAYONET! LOOK AT CHEAP PLASTIC MAGAZINE THAT FEEDS CARTRIDGE LIKE CONSTANTLY JAMMING PEZ CANDY BOX! WHERE DID CLEANING STICK GO?

I HEAR OF 922 LAW IN AMERICA. ADDING PISTOL GRIP TO WEAPON MEANS YOU CHANGE OTHER PARTS. WHAT ELSE YOU FUCK? YOU PUT NEW BOLT EDIFICE? HOW ABOUT BAD FIT RECEIVER COVER FOR CHEAP SCOPE TO SHOW OFF AT HICK PARTY AND NEVER HIT LARGEST SIDE OF BARN?

SURE, IS ONLY YUGOSLAV COPY TYPE BUT IS STILL PROUD DESIGN OF SERGEI SIMONOV. THIS IS LIKE SENDING HIM BIRTHDAY CARD WITH SEVERED OFF THUMB OF DAUGHTER IN ENVELOPE. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERGEI! I PISS ON ALL YOU CREATE!" LARGE MOUND FORMS OVER SIMONOV'S GRAVE BY CONSTANT TUMBLING OF HIS ANGRY CORPSE. IS FAULT OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

RIFLE WAS FINE BEFORE YOU FUCK IT. NOW IS TRASH. MAYBE YOU CHECK IN GARAGE AND ORIGINAL BOLT EDIFICE AND WOOD ARE STILL THERE. MAYBE IS NOT TOO LATE TO KEEP RIFLE SOMETHING NOT SHAMEFUL TO TAKE TO FIRING RANGE. TAKE SHIT OF GOAT AWAY AND COULD STILL BE GOOD WEAPON.

Ivan has some strong opinions on handguns

MAIN POINT OF SELLING BELGIAN FIVE SEVEN PISTOL IS EXTREME PRICE OF WEAPON AND CARTRIDGE.

BELGIAN FIVE SEVEN IS WEAPON OF MAN WHO WEARS EXPENSIVE ITALIAN FASCIST SUIT OF HAND SEWING, DRIVE HUGE EXPENSIVE NAZI MERCEDES OF A.M.G. SHOP, SAIL ON MASSIVE YACHT TO GREEK ISLANDS. I THINK YOU GET PICTURE. BELGIAN FIVE SEVEN IS WEAPON THAT SAYS IS NO SUCH THING AS CONCERN OF MONEY.

FOR MAN WITHOUT EXPENSIVE SUIT, BIG BLACK MERCEDES, AND MASSIVE YACHT, BELGIAN FIVE SEVEN IS FOR PRETENDING OF BE RICH LIKE BLACK GANGSTER OF AMERICAN CITY WITH GOLD CHAINS OF LOW QUALITY AND JEWELS OF COLORED GLASS. WHEN YOU EXPLAIN USE OF BELGIAN FIVE SEVEN PISTOL IS ONLY FOR SHOOT MAN WITH BULLET VEST WITH CARTRIDGE ILLEGAL TO CIVILIAN, THIS MAN HAS NUCLEAR RAGE. WHOLE IDENTITY OF THIS MAN IS SPENT IN PRETEND PISTOL SHOWS HE IS RICH. IS VERY AMUSE.

FOR REST OF WORLD THERE IS 9 MILLIMETERS OF LUGER WHICH IS SAME WOUND FOR COST LESS.