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Me sinto mal após gozar na minha tartaruga

    Me sinto mal após gozar na minha tartaruga..
    
    Por que diabos eu faria isso? Eu nunca deveria ter me masturbado na frente da minha tartaruga. Então, basicamente, eu estava assistindo pornô na minha TV de 55 polegadas e minha tartaruga estava ao meu lado no sofá. O pornô era muito antigo, era um DVD de 2002. Provavelmente foi o pornô mais gostoso que eu já assisti e honestamente eu provavelmente vou assistir pornô em dvd ao invés da internet. A única razão pela qual eu tinha minha tartaruga comigo era porque sempre que gozo, me sinto muito deprimido e solitário, então pensei que se minha tartaruga estivesse comigo eu não me sentiria sozinho. Bem, comecei a acariciar minha piroca, usei loção, tirei todas as minhas roupas, mas tive a tendência de esquecer os lenços. Percebi que esqueci de pegar os lenços, mas era tarde demais. Eu ia gozar. Eu não queria gozar em todos os lugares, então eu tinha que pensar rápido. Foi quando vi minha tartaruga que percebi o que tinha que fazer. Eu gozei pra caralho, como um filho da puta. Minha tartaruga foi pintada inteira com meu esperma, incluindo seu pequeno rosto e seu casco. Ele não disse uma palavra sobre isso, ele não se moveu, ele apenas ficou lá olhando para mim como se eu tivesse matado um monte de crianças. Eu nunca esqueceria o olhar que minha tartaruga me deu. Seu rosto decepcionante partiu meu coração. Vesti minha roupa, levei minha tartaruga para o banheiro e limpei-a. O que aconteceu, aconteceu. Mas minha tartaruga nunca esqueceria o que aconteceu. Minha tartaruga, Tommy, nunca me perdoaria. Hoje, passei por ele e sei que ele ainda se lembra do que fiz com ele 3 horas atrás. Meu único desejo é que um dia Tommy, a tartaruga, me perdoe por meus pecados horríveis.

    Open English translated

    I feel bad after cum on my turtle..
    
    Why the hell would I do that? I should never have masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch TV and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porn was very old, it was a 2002 DVD. It was probably the best porn I've ever watched and honestly I'll probably watch porn on dvd instead of the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I come, I feel very depressed and lonely, so I thought if my turtle was with me I wouldn't feel alone. Well, I started petting my dick, I used lotion, I took off all my clothes, but I tended to forget about the tissues. I realized I forgot to get the tissues, but it was too late. I would enjoy. I didn't want to come everywhere, so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle that I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted all over with my sperm, including its little face and its shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I'd killed a bunch of kids. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned it. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today I passed him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day Tommy the Turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

    Como eu faço pra conectar o meu plug anal bluetooth com o twitter do Bolsonaro?

      Bolsonaro copypasta
      Como eu faço pra conectar o meu plug anal bluetooth com o twitter do Bolsonaro?
      
      Basicamente, eu quero configurar o meu plug anal pra vibrar toda vez que o Bolsonaro twittar alguma coisa. Só o pensamento dele comendo o meu cuzinho já me dá uma ereção enorme, então eu quero sentir ele dentro de mim sempre que ele twittar algo.
      
      Eu estou trabalhando remotamente por causa do coronga, então eu posso ficar o dia inteiro com ele enfiado lá. Se alguém souber como configurar, por favor me diga!

      Open English translated

      How do I connect my bluetooth butt plug with Bolsonaro's twitter?
      
      Basically, I want to configure my butt plug to vibrate every time Bolsonaro tweets something. Just the thought of him eating my ass gives me a massive hard-on, so I want to feel him inside me whenever he tweets something.
      
      I'm working remotely because of the coronga, so I can spend all day with him cooped up in there. If anyone knows how to configure it, please let me know!

      meu avô foi de base

        sem meme, vou mandar o pprt tava marcado pra no FDS (final de semana) eu ir pra cg (capital) dar um look no meu vô que tava miado healando no hospital (mto noggers), aí eu fui e mandei "segue a call meu velho, se quiser quitar tá tranks que nois segura pq tamo na vantagem e temo ult" aí eu já aproveitei que tava lá e como sou alpha minded já larguei o beta spirit e fui na house da minha mina aí eu tava lá no kekw com o dick na pussy e recebo uma call midlane, era minha tia que disse "seu vô não tankou a gankada e foi de base" aí foi omegalul total no dia seguinte já loguei no enterro e vi que meu vô não ia dar respawn e o padre já lançou "ele era based e mto sigma" e eu fiquei tipo "slk hablou muito poggers dms" no final foi meio gore e cringe mas eu tankei pq não sou bluepill

        Open English translated

        no meme, I'm going to send the pprt it was scheduled for the FDS (weekend) I went to cg (capital) to take a look at my grandpa who was meowing healing at the hospital (too noggers), so I went and said "follow the call old man, if you want to get rid of it, it's tranks that we hold because we are in the advantage and I fear ult" then I took advantage of being there and as I'm alpha minded I already dropped the beta spirit and went to my girl's house there I was there at kekw with dick at pussy and i get a call midlane, it was my aunt who said "your grandpa didn't tank the gankada and went with base" then it was total omegalul the next day i already logged in to the funeral and saw that my grandpa wasn't going to respawn and the priest already released "he was based and a lot of sigma" and I was like "slk spoke a lot of poggers dms" in the end it was kind of gore and cringe but I tanked because I'm not bluepill

        ITS FINALLY FALL 🍁🍁🍁

          ITS FINNALLY FALL🌬🍁🍂. You know what that means! Jump ⬆️⬆️in the PILE👬👭👫because it’s 🚨CUFFING🚨 ⛓🔑🔒season. Time to SPREAD⬅️➡️🤸‍♀️ your LADY 🫦LEAVES🍂🍁 and FALL 🙇‍♀️on this DICK🍆🍆. But don’t forget to WRAP🤞 up! It’s SWEATER weather 🧥🧣🧤for a reason. The pumpkin 🍑❓ CREAMPIEs💦 may be SPICY🌶☕️, but you DONT ‼️🙅‍♀️want an early 🤰SCARE 😰before THIS⬇️🕓 SPOOKY 👻season. So light 🔥your fall 🍃SCENTS🌿🤔, take a hay RIDE🚜🌾 on this DICK😤, and BEND OVER 😳and BOB⬆️⬇️🧎‍♀️for apples🍎🍏. If you want to RAKE🧹 in BITCHES👯‍♀️ this year, SEND🔜 THIS to 10 😍potential CUFFED-up CUMmers💦😩 OR ELSE ‼️🫣you’ll be drinking FAPple ✊🍆🤏cider ALONE 😱this CUFFING SEASON😤😤😤.

          Can I shower with my AirPods in my butt

            So I’ve been a huge fan of Travis Scott for quite some time now (since his collaboration with Fortnite) and I was hoping to listen to Sicko Mode while scrubbing myself down in the shower. But as I undressed to bathe the thought occurred to me that if I wanted to really internalize Mr. Scott’s songwriting, the obvious choice is to do this anally. So next thing I know I’ve got two AirPod Pros lodged in my butt, blasting Sicko Mode at full volume (almost accidentally played Mo Bamba lol :P ). But then I realized that maybe AirPods shouldn’t be used while in the shower. So, I’m wondering, does anyone know if I can do this? Will my AirPods be ok? I just popped them in my ears and they sound a little funny.
            
            Regards,

            Guy on Reddit play Cbat during sex

              TIFU / My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off
              
              A little back story; when I first started having sex I researched into ways to be better as I was a little stiff and pretty much had no idea what I was doing. I read online that you can play music and match the rhythm in order to put on a better performance.
              
              I searched love making songs and started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable matching the rhythm.
              
              There are a few songs to my playlist. However there is one song in particular, which actually happens to be my favourite, that my girlfriend hates and says turns her off in a major way.
              
              I don’t understand why it has taken her two years to tell me she hates that song, it’s a good love making song with good rhythm. I feel the way I fucked up is I could have possibly asked her previously if she likes the playlist or any songs she’d like to add/change. But to leave it for two years thinking our sex life is great but in her eyes has just been ruined by my music has left the whole situation feeling awkward and I’m a bit annoyed.
              
              I pretty much played this tune every single time so the amount of times she must have not been enjoying it, when I thought the complete opposite is annoying but also embarrassing in ways.
              
              Not to mention my previous partners, however they never complained about the song so maybe it’s just her?
              
              It’s fucked up the relationship tbh because sex feels awkward now. The other day we were having sex with no music but I was still thrusting to the tune playing in my head. She recognised this and asked me to stop.
              
              I thought this song was perfect and I always thrust along with the tune and feel it gives me the perfect rhythm for doing the deed to. I usually bust to this song and find it devastating she hates the song.
              
              the song itself
              
              TL;DR She hates my love making tunes and didn’t tell me for over two years making sex now awkward.

              The original post on Reddit