I've been experiencing sporadic night terrors for over a month stemming from an experience in the wilderness.
As someone who hates that damned area of the game, for some reason I wanted to try for the Chaos Elemental pet as my Thermy grind had gotten boring after over 7.5k kills and no pet in sight (yes, I know it's 50/50, you either get it or you don't - my luck is just bad).
Anyway, I geared up in welfare, powered up my Craw's bow, and ventured out into the void that is the wildy. As someone who rarely goes into the wildy, I was naturally shaking - the mouse barely holding steady over the logout button in case a white dot appeared. The facade of safety I was employing was narrowly hanging on.
As I approached the Chaos Elemental, I wrapped around the Rogues' Castle to minimize my presence and then proceeded to fucking the Chaos Elemental up after luring it close the castle. Not even two kills in a maxed main appeared running from west to east towards me. He had the symbol for five loot keys above his head. My heart started pounding and my vison began fuzzing up.
I tried running, but was frozen in place by this heathen's ice barrage. A few moments later, six or seven other maxed accounts logged in around me. They all proceeded to bend me over and spec me out with AGSs.
After losing a few hundred K in ether and my pride, I took the teleport of shame to the G.E., where I sold back my Craw's bow that I bought not even 45 minutes earlier. I then stared blankly at my screen for several minutes before logging off and heading to bed.
Fast forward to 4:00 AM. I wake up or what I believe to be waking up to a sense of dread. My body felt glued to the bed - I couldn't move or make a sound. I peered towards the doorway adjacent to the corner of the room I was in. I saw what looked like two men in robes and hoods staring back at me, facial features cloaked in the darkness. I screamed in my mind as I was completely muted in the reality I was in during this terror.
I was then shaken awake by my wife who told me I was moaning. She asked if I was okay. I told her everything as I wept quietly in her embrace.
Never again will I kill shit in the wildy.
I'm not talking about your grandma's house pking dog. I'm talking load up, packing rune scimitar into magical short bow spec pow pow pking. We don't play no games at the GE. We running, gunning. Clappin and slappin. Barrage? Get the fuck outta here. In my day we ate swordfish for brekkie lunch and din din. Combo eats? Combo my rune 2 hander to the dome for a fat 16er. You want bridding? Kiddie game is down the street loser.
I always wondered how the Moon Clan survived without any guys on the island. I think I was about 14-15 when I knew where babies came from, so it made no sense that there would be all girls on this isolated island. Naturally I looked up "can girls have boy parts" and oooooohhhhhh maaaaaaaaan I never looked back. I always imagined the people on the island, floating around packing a wand under their dresses, from which a glance could be stolen should one steal a peek amid a gusty day. I pictured huge festivals where they all get together in a great ceremony enjoying one another's company with their enchanted rods, ensuring the next generation would carry on. Even Cyrisus is not safe from their carnal pleasures, as they surround him, their essence pulsing against his legs. He awkwardly stumbles about the island as they ensure him the Moonclan dresses and lingerie are traditional outfits for outsiders, and give him their "ceremonial drink", a thick, creamy substance that tastes of fine strawberries. Then, as he performs a ceremonial dance before them- adorned in licentious garments for their amusement- they begin to initiate the ceremonies with him, one by one. As the last woman of the island filled him with her life-giving powers, his sissy legs give out as he lays motionless- unable to comprehend anything but the insatiable longing for more.
I was walking to McDonalds the other day when suddenly, I saw Oda yeet a garden gnome out of his window. I told him ”Stop! It is disrespectful!”. I carefully picked up the pieces of the gnome and cradled them into my arms, letting tears drop out of my eyes.
Out of nowhere, Mod Ash entered the room and smiled while he gave me a pat on my back. He immediately banned Oda and gave me a new golden garden gnome and said “You deserve it”.
Then everyone on the bus clapped. The mayor got up from his seat, said “thank you for your service” and handed me the keys to the city. Then the mail man got out of his truck, shook my hand and said ”Congratulations” while handing me a letter—It was an acceptance offer to Harvard.
I sat in the armchair, and stared out of the window into the far distance. I vowed that within two years, I would make the runescape community great again.
I was being hunted by a DISGUSTING TOXIC PKER in the wilderness and I was skull tricked by them because they told me to turn off skull prevention options and click on them for the video. I, as a defenseless PVMer, obliged and consequently was risking 1b cash. I dropped to low health (unsurprising, I'm completely defenseless and unable to eat when attacked in pvp), when a VALIANT NOBLE PVPER came to my rescue and killed the rat. I told the PvPer "aren't you going to attack me? I risk 1b!" And they smiled and said to me "no, I won't. There's a difference between PvPers and Pkers", and we made out and rode off into the sunset together. From that interaction I realised that the dinhs bulwark is underpowered, and needs to have its defense bonuses doubled
Timmy the redditor, master of woodcutting and supreme slayer master. Nobody can dare match his skill in the medival clicking simulator called RuneScape. Never missing an xp, never missing a tick, not even his bodily functions can tame his sincere desire to gain xp.
But whats this? A cowardly gang of thieves, hell bent on ruining Timothies Efficient Experience per hour has shown their dastardly faces. One by one, they take their turns with timmy - his squeals and crys howl through all of glienor.
In a desperate attempt to communicate with his attackers, he lets out a plea to reasoning: "Why?" he says aloud. "I have nothing on me lol". Timmy adjusts his glasses and thinks to himself, "Surely these young men must know that violating me gains them poor experience per hour and doing so leaves them at a net loss of gold pieces."
To Timmy's dismay, the attack continues. Panic starts to set in and Timmy shifts uncomfortably in his soiled trousers. Gasping for air at the thought of his RuneScape avatar being defiled by these villians, he makes another desperate attempt at appealing to reason, "This is why I vote no to PvP updates! The wilderness is dieing because of you guys!" Timmy sneers and thinks, "Heh, now they have to stop disrupting my efficient experience gains or else they will never get an update to player versus player!"
But the onslaught does not end, ripping and ravaging Timmy until he is down to his very last lobster. Then Timmy sees HungryJose227 running at him, a warrior clad in full snakeskin armor, wielding only a sharp knife. Timmy tries to get away but is frozen in fear at the sight of fearsome pk man. Finally, HungryJose227 lustfully descends upon Timmy, inserting his dragon dagger. Hopelessness sets in for Timmy, he knows he will never gain back the 15 seconds of experience and his precious clue scroll. As conciousness fades, he reminicses on the safety and warmth of his beloved slayer cave,"I never should have came here! I want to go back to the slayer cave where it's safe, my items won't be stolen in there and I won't be violated by Jose's Draggon Dagger! Mother Nieve is waiting for me back at home in the slayer cave, how can I return to her like this? I hate the wilderness and I hate pk man!"
Just as Hungry Jose Finishes unloading his special attack onto desecrated Timmy, he kneels down and whispers into Timmies ear, "Siéntate niño".
