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My Dick is Hydrophobic

    As a man of culture, I regularly take part in the natural act of masturbation. For you non-scholars, I am saying that I regularly spank the shit out of my meat to anime babes and / or cat girls. In accordance with the Geneva Convention article 4A paragraph 6, I exclusively use oil based lubricants (such as Vaseline or WD-40). After years of applying this buttery concoction to my 3 inch destroyer, enough has permanently absorbed into the skin of my dick and balls to the point that water is actually repelled when applied. Yes, my dick can now act as a flotation device in case of emergency water landings. Take that libtards.

    What does Weeaboo actually mean?

      Basically, a weeaboo is a specific variety of nerd who is overly devoted to Japanese pop culture. Their life is pretty much sustained on a diet of anime, manga, and video games, which can be a bit off-putting to others, to say the least. They can be seen using Japanese words incorrectly, dressing up like anime characters, and worshipping Japan without knowing anything about it outside what they’ve seen in anime.
IN SHORT, THEY'RE ANNOYING.
I have a dream that weebs and non-weebs can someday live together in harmony. In the words of a wise cat known as Meowth, “Maybe if we started looking at what’s the same instead of always looking at what’s different…well who knows?”

      I spanked a Muslim with bacon

        Well, I was shopping in Walmart the other day, (with the intent of buying all of their guns, bacon and American flags) when I spotted a Mooslem running frantically up and down through the aisles, and his name was Abdul-Mohammed-Jamal-Jabar-Steve-Jabar-Omar-Abdul. I was certain at any moment he would yell 'Allah Akbar'. Thankfully, my shopping cart was full of bacon (which as you all know, is Mooslem kryptonite). So I straightened my MAGA hat and pulled up my Confederate flag britches and grabbed a pack of bacon from my cart. I took that Mooslem over my knee and spanked his ass with the bacon while screaming 'Liberalism is a mental disorder!' over and over. Then, by the power of the bacon, Abdul-Mohammed-Jamal-Jabar-Steve-Jabar-Omar-Abdul instantly converted to Christianity and registered as a Republican. Trump showed up and awarded me the Medal of Honor because I probably stopped the next 9/11.

        I saw Donald Trump at a grocery store in D.C. yesterday.

          I saw Donald Trump at a grocery store in D.C yesterday.

I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

After paying for the Milky Ways he proceeded to leave the store and throw all of them in the garbage. Haven't seen him since.

          True Patriotism

            Bruh I'm so patriotic, I piss red, white, and blue. My doctor said it may be pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his COMMIE mouth

            If u suck your own dick while you turn 18, it is considered illegal due to gravitational time dilation?

              NSFW?? Ok hear me out. Due to gravitation time dilation, your upper body is technically older then your lower body due to Gravitational Time Dilation. Gravitational Time Dilation the effect gravity has on time. The lower the gravitational potential, the faster time is. Knowing this, because your dick has more gravitational potential then your head, your head is older then your dick (by like less then a millionth of a nanosecond but that doesn’t matter). So if you were sucking your own dick while you turned 18, your head would age first. This means your 18 year old head would be sucking you 17 year old dick. Thank you for listening to my TED Talk