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Boy oh boy, where do I even begin, but in Russian

    Its the Russian version of the ‘Boy oh boy LeBron, where do I even start?‘ meme that started from Tiktok. 

    Боже, о боже, с чего бы мне начать?

Леброн... дорогой, мой мишка-мишка. Я полюбил тебя с тех пор, как впервые увидел тебя. То, как вы въезжаете в краску и вселяете страх в глаза врагов. Твое шелковистое прикосновение к краю и великолепный бросок в прыжке. Я бы сделал для тебя все что угодно. Мне бы хотелось остановить время, чтобы мне никогда не пришлось смотреть, как ты уходишь на пенсию. У тебя было тяжелое детство, но ты никогда не терял надежду. Ты даже за пределами площадки потрясающий, ты отличный муж и отец, иногда я даже называю тебя папой. Я вечно боюсь и плачу, думая о том дне, когда ты однажды уйдешь на пенсию. Я бы пожертвовал своей жизнью, если бы это было единственное, что могло вызвать улыбку на твоем прекрасном лице. Вы подарили мне столько радости и горя за эти годы. Я помню, когда ты впервые покинул Кливленд, и мое сердце словно разбилось на миллион кусочков. Но слеза все равно потекла из моего правого глаза, когда я увидел, как ты выиграл свой первый перстень в Майами, потому что в глубине души мой славный король заслужил это. Я просто хотел, чтобы ты вернулся домой. Потом, увы, ты это сделал, мой милый малыш пришел домой, и я обрадовалась. 2015 год был для нас трудным, детка, но в 2016 году ты сотворила историю. Ты вернулся со счетом 3-1, и я не мог в это поверить. Я плакала, даже рыдала, и услышала, как мой славный король воскликнул такие слова:

«КЛИВЛЕНД, ЭТО ДЛЯ ВАС!» Ты не только навсегда изменил игру в баскетбол и мир, но и навсегда изменил мой мир. И вот ты постарел, но все еще козел, мой козел. Я люблю тебя, медвежонок, мой славный король, Леброн Джеймс.

    until I’m swollen, until l’m crying, until I cant walk, until I’m numb, until my throat hurts, until my cheeks are red

      until I'm swollen, until l'm crying, until I cant walk, until I'm numb, until my throat hurts, until my cheeks are red, until the neighbours know his name, until my leg is useless, until my eyes are rolled back and it stays there, until my whole body shakes, until my bones disconnect, until i pass out, until all my holes are filled, until i cant breathe, until it gets longer than before, until i remember the length of it, until the end of time, until it reaches my stomach, until hes grunting and growling, until the whole world hears, until he's out of juice, We aren't ever stopping, the bed could break, 2 the floor could cave in, and there could be a killer natural disaster outside but we aren't stopping, until we invent a new position, until l'm trembling underneath, until I see stars and fireworks in the back of my head, until I can't think anymore, until I forget how to talk, I'll ride him until I can't breathe, until the room stinks, until the blood in my body turns white like his juice, until my legs are shaking, until I can't feel my legs he can top me
      until hes swollen, until hes crying, until he cant walk, until hes numb, until his throat hurts, until his cheeks are red, until the neighbours know my name, until his legs are useless, until his eyes are rolled back and it stays there, until his whole body shakes, until his bones disconnect, until he passes out, until all his holes are filled, until he cant breathe, until it gets longer than before, until he remembers the length of it, until the end of time, until it reaches his stomach, until im grunting and growling, until the whole world hears, until im out of juice, We aren't ever stopping, the bed could break, 2 the floor could cave in, and there could be a killer natural disaster outside but we aren't stopping, until we invent a new position, until he trembling underneath, until he sees stars and fireworks in the back of my head, until he can't think anymore. until he forgets how to talk

      Hi, I am an Albanian virus but because of poor technology

        Hi, I am an Albanian virus but because of poor technology in my country unfortunately I am not able to harm your computer. Please be so kind to delete one of your important files yourself and then forward me other users. Many thanks for your cooperation! Best regards, Albanian virus 
        Hello! I am Albanian computer virus. due to poor technology in my come country, I am not able to hack your computer. If you would be so kind to delete one of your important files. Thank you for your cooperation!

        The game genuinely changed my life for the worse

          Source
          This game genuinely changed my life for the worse. The moment i opened this game my mother was hit by a truck tire flying at 200km/h after a brutal accident. After she died, it turned out that she misspelled my name in the will and everything she left me was sent to a random person. After that, I sat down and tried to play the game, but my chair broke and i fell onto the floor. In anger, i threw my broken chair at a wall, which made my entire house collapse. Because my house collapsed, all my possessions were buried under the rubble and the only thing that remained was my PC setup. I tried to calm down by playing some Dark Souls III, but my steam library glitched and now the only game I can play is Skibidi Backrooms. While I was playing, I got a phone call saying that I had been convicted for murder and was going to prison for life, because when I collapsed my house, the shock wave caused my neighbours cooking oil to tip onto his turned on gas stove, which blew him up immediately. When I got to prison, they said I was being sentenced to death, and asked for my last meal. I wanted a Big Mac no pickles, but McDonalds got the order wrong and gave me a cold McChicken with extra pickles. Don't trust the price tag on this game, it seems cheap but the cost is really much higher than the actual price tag. This game has ruined my life.

7/10

          Poop Knife

            Poop knife started from a story on r/confession in Reddit
            An archive of the original story

            The Poop Knife is a post on Reddit about Original Poster (OP) and his family owning a knife specifically for slicing huge poops stuck in their toilet bowl. The original post has since been deleted but its archived version still exists.

            My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

            Alternate formatting

            My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

"My what?"

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

"Wtf is a poop knife?"

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

            Vaporeon-Meursault copypasta

              Vaporeon-Meursault copypasta is based on the original Vaporeon Is Literally Build For Human copypasta that started in 4chan.

              Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male and female sex, Meursault is the best sinner ?

Not only is he French, which is mostly comprised of hot men, Meursault is 6"00' tall and 70.9 pounds of muscles, this means he is strong enough to be able to dick you down best, and with his impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Pursuance, you can be rough with him.

Due to his young biology, there's no doubt in my mind that an aroused Meursault would be incredibly erect, so erect that you could easily have sex with him for hours without him getting soft.

With his abilitie to revive, he can easily recover from fatigue with Dante being there. But no other sinner comes close to this level of compatibility.

Also, fun fact, if you fuck him enough, you can make Meursault moan. Meursault is literally built to fuck you. Ungodly defense stat+high HP pool+revival means he can give cock all day, all positions, without condoms or protection from god, and still come for more