Transcript

Benefits of NoFap:

Day 1 - Nothing. You're still in withdrawal and might actually feel worse.

Day 5 - Improved motivation and productivity.

Day 10 - Better energy and sleep.

Day 30 - Greater confidence and self-esteem. Mental clarity.

Day 60 - Increased muscle mass, bone density, and cardiovascular capacity. Testosterone through the roof.

Day 120 - Higher sperm count. Increased erection strength and duration.

Day 365 - Your voice deepens and your skull becomes more chad-like. Increased erection girth and length.

Day 730 - Faster reaction time. 10 additional IQ points.

Day 1500 - Starbucks baristas start writing their numbers on your receipts. Your ex wants to get back together. You feel tempted but ultimately turn her down.

Day 3000 - You can't keep up with all your tinder matches. Strange women begin hitting on you in public. You worry about your female boss. Fortunately she keeps it professional.

Day 6000 - Ex shows up at your door crying and begging you to take her back. You don't even make eye contact—just call the police right away. Your female boss quits. She can't take it anymore and fears what she might do to you if she stays.

Day 12000 - Every swipe on tinder is a match. Even girls you swipe left get matched with you somehow. Romantic messages fill up your inbox every day—all 15gb of it—you upgrade your Gmail account to premium.

Day 30000 - You don't have to work anymore. JK Rowling signs over half of her Harry Potter royalties to you in a grand gesture of love. You tell her you can't be with her because she's too controversial. She weeps quietly. The next morning, Rowling tweets that trans women are women and Dumbledore's sexual orientation is nobody's business.

Day 60000 - Scientists propose that attraction to you be classified as its own sexual orientation, which will account for 97.5 percent of the world's population. Paradoxically, you no longer feel any sexual desire. You have achieved a higher consciousness and now love every human-being equally.

Day 100,000 - Your IQ doubles, triples, and quadruples. You come up with a workable model of quantum gravity in a rainy Sunday afternoon. Elon Musk steps down from SpaceX to work for you. You decide to put space exploration on hold to focus on achieving clean energy through nuclear fusion.

Day 200,000 - You've solved the problem of nuclear fusion. You also solved the problems of climate change, poverty, crime, and racism. You have been elected the very first President of the World.

Day 500,000 - It's been over half a million days since you last fapped. You have achieved everything, understood everything, and solved every problem faced by humanity. All that needs to be done has been done. There's nothing left to do.

You give your fellow humans one last look—they're still fapping, trapped in their primitive way—but you don't judge. The path of NoFap was never meant for the ordinary men. "Try not to fap. But if you must, use lube." Those were your parting words.

Now, released from all shackles of the mundane, and purified of all imperfections, your body ephemeralizes, as your ever-illuminated consciousness ascends into another dimension.