Skip to content

Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


1 inch buddy

    Actually, I have my little 1 inch buddy over here. She's adorable. (I call my cock a she) You know, what I lack in inches, I make up for in width. My cock is fucking 2 feet wide, 1 inch long. Reminds me of my old cow betsy. Now that I think about it, I don't think Betsy was a cow, in fact, I think Betsy was a guy. Huh. Now I know I wasn't milking some udders, this changes everything. Guess I'm gay now. Fuck. Alright, back to jerking the old ween. I bet this relates to politics in some way. I don't know how, but I bet it does. You know, speaking of politics. I don't really like talking about it, but here I go talking about my political views. I personally believe that taxes should be raised for our government. Fuck you libtard. Suck my 1 inch cock.

    Doofenshmirtz Inc theme plays:

      "Ahhh Perry the platypus, I see you have fallen right into my trap!" Perry gets tied up on a wall, and leather wraps around his body tighter than an a boa constricter. Doofenshmirtz walks over slowly, his cock pressed hard against his pants. "Perry, my plan this time, is too punish you for foiling all my other plans." Perry shivers and shakes as Doofenshmirtz pulls out a bullwhip and walks up to Perry. "Get ready, Perry. It's time for you to become a true secret agent...man..." Doofenshmirtz hits him with the whip. Perry moans and his teeth chatter. Doofenshmirtz cums immediately, Perry notices and starts to jerk off his little Playpus dick.

      #NOPOOPCHALLENGE

        I just had the most immense, gigantic, catastrophic bowel movement while I was in the shower and started wiping a bit 😩 💦. SO WHAT I DID WAS I TURNED THE CRANK TO ICE COLD, GRABBED THE SHOWER HEAD, THEN FREEZED MY BALLS FOR ALMOST SLIPPING UP 😡. Furthermore, I retained my skid mark and will now proceed to work out.

Edit: I prolapsed after.... I am a fool. I will improve.

        I CURED HOMOSEXUALITY!

          I cured my son of the Big Gay. The other day, he came home for Christmas with his new partner. I was excited to meet her (and maybe MEAT her after my son fell asleep hehe), but imagine my horror when it turned out to be another man.

I immediately started to protest, but my son said "Dad, this is who I am. Zander and I are in love."

Without missing a beat, I turned around and said, "You forgot to say no homo."

But my boy simply scoffed at me and said, "Actually, dad, I AM a homosexual. That's right, your son is in love with another man." Then my son grabbed Zander's hand and looked at me defiantly.

For a second, I was utterly devastated. But then I thought to myself What would Trump do? So I stared straight at my son, penetrating his soul with my eyes (no homo), and said, "But that's gay."

As soon as I uttered those fateful words, my son began to convulse. He dropped to floor in some sort of manic state, spit pouring from his mouth as his eyes rolled back into his head. Zander tried to help him, but I pushed that dainty little queer away with my heteronormative strength.

After a full minute, my son opened his eyes and said, "Dad, you cured me of my homosexuality." Then, with manly tears of joy in his eyes, he pointed to Zander and exclaimed, "Let's get that homo!"

After we wiped Zander's blood off our hands and threw the little fairy into the cold, my son and I sat down with a beer and watched some football.

As we watched, my son turned to me and said, "Dad, I love you. No homo."

"No homo indeed, son," I replied. "No homo indeed."

          Americans are immune to bullet wounds.

            In America, we’ve all been shot so many times, that most of us have built up an immunity to bullet wounds. It’s now hereditary, actually, because only people who can survive being shot live long enough to reproduce. Natural selection and all that. Some Americans have built up an immunity so high that they can easily walk way from a direct hit from a cannon ball. These individuals are considered “real, red blooded, Americans” and receive a certificate of authentication.

This is also where the phrase “come and take it” comes from. A group of Americans endured a volley of cannon fire and they managed to catch 95% of the balls shot. They then hoisted the cannon balls into the air and taunted the invading army by encouraging them to come retrieve their ammunition and try again.

            Ok hear me out here’s why I kissed that person in an Isabella costume

              Yes it was weird, but I have an explanation for this that I hope will be satisfactory. As you can see I was mostly looking at my phone, so it didn't occur to me that she was dizzy and probably didn't know where she was going. I thought she was just trying to interact with me like a mascot costume person at a sporting event. In my experience they usually get a little mad if you don't interact back, so I normally give them a hug. I tried to give her a hug, as you can see by my arm at the end of the video, but I realized that if I gave her a hug I could very likely rip the head clean off. I panicked at this realization and opted for a forehead kiss instead. It absolutely was not planned.

I'd also like to point out that this all happened over the course of about half a second, I had no idea she was walking towards me until I turned my head. The Nintendo employee with her didn't seem very upset at me and kinda laughed, she was the person saying "You're precious, alright let's- watch out, watch out, aww" in the video, which I'd like to emphasize I couldn't hear because conventions are very loud. They both went the way they were going after this video, so I don't think they took offense.

I feel like I'm on trial here but yeah that's what happened. I wouldn't want to make someone uncomfortable on purpose, whenever I took a picture with anyone else at the convention I asked and then asked if I could be in the picture and so on, and there was no kissing anywhere else I assure you, but this all happened faster than I could really think about it.