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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


This new generation of pledges is so soft. Back in my day…

    Started from an unhinge rant on the Reddit, it has become a well known copypasta within frat community.

    This new generation of pledges is so soft. Back in my day...

I’ll tell you shitstains, back in my pledgeship, we had it so rough... or so much better, I can't tell anymore. anyway, every day, we would wake up at 2 in the morning and go to the house for cleaning. we all lived in the dorms, you see, so it was basically one room. and we would ask, me and my 17 pledge brothers, "what's the plan sir?". they would smack us all with a paddle and make us say "thank you sir may I have another". and if we complained and said "but we had beatings yesterday" - because we had beatings every day - they would smack us all five times with a larger paddle with holes in it and say "what’s every brother’s middle name and hometown. I swear I’m gonna make i-week suck so much for you", i-week was about the same as waterboarding back in the day. then we would head to class. we met up with the Fiji kids from down the hall, and walked the 6 miles to school. on the way to school, we had to walk up a hill so tall it extended to outer space. when we got to the top of the hill, we would see the SAE boys in their fancy BMWs - which they dont make like they used to, and we would call out to them “sexual assault expected”. then, when we got to class at 4 in the morning, the professor would come up to us and say "you retards are late", then he would smack us all with another paddle 10 times and tell us we had 7 years till we’d graduate. then, we went back to the house, and the seniors would say "ok line up pussies", then spank us each 60 times, then make us beer bong 40 times each. then it was 6 at night and we had to walk home. then, when we got home, we'd text the girls floor "what’s the move", and they’d ghost us or say "do I know you”. and if we kept trying, they would text our pledge master and say "your pledges are soft, haze them harder later. Btw when is the next party" - the pledge master never invited them to shit. then, when the seniors got home from their two 100 level classes they re-took as a requirement, they’d make us get on bows and toes. if we had been naughty, they’d make us do it on bottle caps. then, at 7:04, the secretary would say "ok time for chapter". then, we got into our pledge uniforms, and we would recite the Greek alphabet until the upperclassmen were happy. on saturdays (which were for the boys), we went down to the liveout to clean. we would have to pick up 420 cans each, all while fighting off the homeless. we would get on the party bus and pay our fare of bringing two freshmen each - one as our date and one for a brother. then, if there weren’t enough girls at the after party, the pledge master would make us run a mile while doing Edward 40 hands. if any of us spilled a drop, we would take off an article of clothing and we had to sprint the rest of the way. when we got back to the liveout, the pledge master would show up to the gate with his bong, make us hit it 780 times with Dokha, and tell us to get in the basement so we could clean. then, we had to scrub the dance floor with a toothbrush while blasting darude sandstorm - now, they don’t make eurodance like they used to, and it was about 1234.5 degrees spencer, or 69 degrees centigrade using your new-fangled nationals system. then, we would have to “milk the cows” - now, they dont make sigma cattle like they used to, so each cow weighed about 6.9 alpha phis, or 3.2 chads in your new-fangled nationals system. if you touched a cows tit, it would fall in love with you and you could be crushed, so you had to be really careful when you milked the cows. then, when we were done, the pledge master would say "ok bitch boys time for your reward". he would give us each a handle of fleischmanns - which is worth about one blackout each - and make us kill it before we left. on sundays, we would meet the axo girls and go down to the dorm food halls - now, they don't make dorm food like they used to, so this food was about as dank as a five star restaurant, and as unhealthy as eating a juul pod, and only cost 3 points. we would eat and go lift near the campus, calling the foreign exchange students pussies, and the Pikes dumbass tryhards. now - they don't make Pike like they used to, so this kid had a skull as thick as Lizzo, and was roided up enough that his shirt started choking him at the neck. one day, the pike dropped a dumbbell on his foot. when it hit, the only bit of his foot we could recognize was his uncut toenail. we called him a retard and told him to get off the bench. his friend said "oh its just a scratch you pussy, dont worry pop another xan and you'll be right" and he gave the kid some pills and a kiss and we could tell they were both pikes. after we finished lifting, we would go to the Asian lady’s store and get some 4Loko with our fakes. now, back in the day, you could give the shopkeeper a fake - which is worth about as much as you paid for it - and she would give you a wink and upcharge the shit out of you. so we would say thanks for the lokos, and we'd go to the dorms and drink them. now, we didn't have any of your fancy liquor laws back in the day, so there was all kinds of stuff in our lokos. alcohol, caffeine, whatever is in monster energy drinks--you name it. so we would always get a little lit after our lokos. one day, when we were hammered, we went up the dean’s car, the only lambo in the town, and pissed on it. as we pissed on it, we saw him storming down the street holding his ridiculous salary. "you degenerates, having fun while i do nothing all day in my office just so you can have a degree to maybe get a job, i oughta suspend you all". we were sure he was going to suspend us, but then he said "no, i got a better idea, ill give you more community service hours, that’ll set ya right". now, our community service chair had told us about getting our hours. he was a kiss ass from the chartering days, when they actually got hours and made grades, but we never did that now. our president walked us all down to campus, and we saw a shitty sorority event put on by girls who didn’t drink or have sex until college. "ladies," said our president, "i have some idiots here who need a good charity event". then, the girls made us get out our wallets, and made us each give them all our cash. then, our president said "right, i gotta go back to fucking this sorority’s president, you morons run to the house now". now, by now it was 9pm, which meant it was pregame time again. while we were stumbling out of our rooms, we heard a geed shout "glad I don’t pay for my friends". we turned around and saw this dweeb we sent home during rush. we beat the brakes off him, each landing 160265 punches, then told him better luck next year. now - they don't make rush events like they used to - you have to be sober now, and the new generation is full of pussies. our pledgeship lasted about 13526 years, until we finally got initiated after the most brutal hazing you couldn’t imagine. then, they hit us all 1292 times with a congratulatory paddle, and told us we’d still be bitches for the rest of our lives. so don't you come complaining to me about nonsense like a scavenger hunt without beer bonging ciroc and pepper sauce.

    This subreddit ruined my life and now I’m getting a divorce

      Started from r/BatmanArkham, it was part of a series of shitposts of the Batman Arkham games. The original post then got parodied and adopted into different communities.

      Today my wife and I went to visit our 12 year old nephew in Hospital today, apparently he has a terminal disease or something, when I arrived I saw my nephew and I said to him “I like your haircut, you look just like Victor Zsasz”. A doctor then corrected me to tell me he actually had cancer, I told the doctor that I don’t believe in Astrology and it’s just a false concept.

Anyways, my nephew was hanging out with a bunch of his friends who also had cancer, there was maybe a group of 10 twelve year olds. and I saw one of them had a Batman shirt, and he looked really sad, so I thought I’d cheer him up. And as a member of this subreddit I remembered a few funny quotes that really got a lot of upvotes. So I said the first one that came to my mind. I put on my best Joker impression and yelled “STAND BACK FOOL, IVE GOT A BOMB”. To my shock not a single one of them even cracked a smile, within seconds I was tackled to the ground by one of the guards and I spent the rest of the night in jail for “bomb threat” or soemthjng like that, and jail was so boring, I thought it was be like being in the Alsume, but it was nothing like that, I was just locked in a small room for the night. I didn’t even see Hugo Strange, anyways when I went home my wife had divorce papers and told me to sign them. What do I do? Am I stupid? I love my wife and I don’t wanna divorce her. I hate feminism

      Ongezellig

      Today my wife and I went to visit our 12 year old nephew in Hospital today, apparently he has a terminal disease or something, when I arrived I saw my nephew and I said to him “I like your haircut, you look just like Koos”. A doctor then corrected me to tell me he actually had cancer, I told the doctor that I don’t believe in Astrology and it’s just a false concept. Anyways, my nephew was hanging out with a bunch of his friends who also had cancer, there was maybe a group of 10 twelve year old's. and I saw one of them had a zellig shirt, and he looked really sad, so I thought I’d cheer him up. And as a member of this cord I remembered a few funny quotes that really got a lot of gem emotes So I said the first one that came to my mind. I put on my best Mymy impression and yelled “death to the Belgians ”. To my shock not a single one of them even cracked a smile, within seconds I was tackled to the ground by one of the guards and I spent the rest of the night in a reeducation camp for “Hate speech” or something like that, and the camp was so boring, I thought it was gonna be like ongezellig. but it was nothing like that, I was just made to write essays for the night. I didn’t even see Vera, anyways when I went home my wife had divorce papers and told me to sign them. What do I do? Am I stupid? I love my wife and I don’t wanna divorce her. I hate feminism

      How Do I tell my girlfriend I’m not cheating, I’m just hopelessly addicted to PokeRogue

        Source
        Me and My girlfriend had a heated argument last night after she confronted me about what she considered “fishy behavior” and suspects I’m cheating, which has upset me because I pride myself on not being a cheater, in both relationships and Nuzlockes.

It started when she noticed I put her on do not disturb late one night when I told her I was asleep, but really I was fighting E-max Eternatus and really had to dial in since I didn’t have any fairy types on my team (rookie mistake I know)

Then She noticed I was on Snapchat at 4 A.M. one night after I told her I was asleep and figured I was snapping another girl, but really I was showing my buddy Bobby Pickles that I finally got Max IVs on my Beedrill.

Then the other day when I was leaving her house she saw me check my phone and smile immediately after getting in my car and again assumed adultery but really the gacha had just changed and I went to check and was smiling cause Zacian was on the legendary gacha and Zacian is dope.

It all culminated yesterday when I wouldn’t let her see what I was doing on my phone cause I was playing PR, and she flipped out on me.

I haven’t told her cause she doesn’t like when I play Pokemon ever since she was watching me play infinite fusion and noticed I had nicknamed my lopunny/gardevior fusion after my ex. (I’m not still into my ex or anything cause she’s pretty gross, but when we were dating I named my Lopunny after her in a platinum Cagelocke and the mon ended up clutching up against Flints infernape, so I still do it every run for good luck). I explained this to my girlfriend at the time but she didn’t care, and when I fused the lopunny with a snorlax and showed her to make her feel better she just got more angry and made me switch to Tem Tem for a year.

I’m really hurt and torn over this and I don’t know how to fix things. I obviously don’t want to lose my girlfriend but I don’t want to tell her truth because I’m afraid she will make me switch to Tem Tem again and Tem Tem is the actual worst.

If anyone has had a similar problem I would really appreciate some advice as I’m really messed up about this and I don’t think I’ll be able to get my endless run off the ground with all this terrible stress going on in my life.

        100% true story. I met Anish in St. Louis.

          Started by u/wildcard174, its a wholesome story on Anish Giri a professional chess player which became a copypasta and later to other shitpost versions.

          Original story

          100% true story. I met Anish in St. Louis. I was walking and carrying my 1-year-old daughter in the Central West End, just down the street from the St. Louis Chess Club/Hall of Fame, and he walked by. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to bother him.

A moment later I noticed one of my daughter's pink shoes had come off. I turned around and Anish Giri was twenty feet away, bent over, picking up the shoe. He handed it to me and said, "Here you go!" And I said, "Thanks!" And that was it, lol. Nice guy.

          Shitpost version

          100% true story. I met Anish in St. Louis. I was walking and carrying my 1-year-old daughter in the Central West End, just down the street from the St. Louis Chess Club/Hall of Fame, and he walked by. I said how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to bother him or anything. He said, "Oh, like you're doing right now?" I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I could feel my face going red from being embarrassed by the Snarkmaster himself, and looked down at the ground in shame.

That's when I noticed one of my daughter's pink shoes had come off and was lying on the ground. I'm not sure if it fell off on its own, or if Anish ripped it off while I was distracted. I reached down to pick it up and put it back on. Suddenly, Anish's hand rapidly shot forward from outside my field of vision to grab it before me, with the well-practiced swiftness I assume could only come from taking the handshake as quickly as possible whenever an opponent offers a draw. "Finders keepers," he taunted, wearing his trademark smug boyish grin. "What do you even want that for??" I demanded. "Alireza isn't the only one who knows about fashion, honey," Giri said as he tore off one of his Crocs shoes. He made a show of attempting to put the tiny pink baby shoe on his foot, but it obviously didn't fit. Shrugging, he ran off with one bare foot, one shoed foot, and two mismatched shoes in hand, leaving me dumbstruck in the sunny St. Louis street.
          100% true story. I went to Papa John's with Anish "1/2-1/2" Giri. He refused to wait for the waiter to take our order and asked to speak with the manager, where, upon their arrival, he promptly ordered three large pizzas and said, "If you don't bake these yourself I will personally roast your fine establishment with several snide tweets." In just 10 minutes, his pizzas arrived. He turned to me and said, "this is why I'm the Twitter GOAT," before rolling each one into a long tube. He then held each pizza-tube up like a funnel, and squeezed the cheese and sauce into his mouth.

Once he sucked out all the drippings, he unrolled the desiccated pizza bread-tube onto my plate and confidently announced, patting his tummy, "This one's on me, kid." He strutted past the counter, refusing to pay for the pizza because "Hans Niemann said GMs shouldn't have to pay."

          They are hiding cheese types from us.

            Source
            I was at a Mexican restaurant and the waiter put a cheese dip with some chips on the table next to us that a family was sitting at. I asked the waiter "What type of dip is that?" and he responded "Not your cheese." Like I knew this wasn't my cheese but I still wanted to know what kind of dip it is so I responded " I know that, but I still want to know what it's called. What's the name of this dip?" He looked me dead in the eyes and told me "Not your cheese." I didn't think he got the question. So I asked he again sternly. "I KNOW that, but what is this cheese called?!" His face turned to confusion and he broke eye contact with me. He then responded harshly "Not your cheese!" I grabbed him him by the collar "WHAT TYPE OF CHEESE IS THAT!!!" A waitress across the room responded to me "Queso!".

Be safe out there guys. They are hiding the truth from us.

            I saw Aaron Paul at an unemployment office in Los Angeles

              Started from a comment on Reddit parodying the “Flying Lotus at a grocery store in LA” story but changed to fit the Xbox One: Aaron Paul ad.

              I saw Aaron Paul at an unemployment office in Los Angeles yesterday. I noticed him but didn’t want to bother him. He obviously saw me because he came up to me. He said, “Please let me give you an autograph, yo, bitch. Please respond.” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “Please respond. Please respond. Xbox, please respond. Bitch.” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my day, and I heard him crying as I walked off. When I came to apply up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen job applications in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be busy and read scripts, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the forms and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually because “I just wish I had more time to play,” and then turned around and cried at me. I don’t even think that’s a career. After she scanned each form and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by saying “Xbox turn on” really loudly.