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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


I may be able to solve world hunger with cantaloupe

    Cantaloupe melon
    A Cantaloupe melon
    Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon into my anus because the local shops had run out of apricots (I buy a lot). Using about a gallon of butter, breathing techniques and a few hours I managed to finally get it inside. However it was too uncomfortable so I tried to shit it back out. This is where things got confusing because rather than a melon sliding out half a dozen apricots did. Now there is a chance that I just blacked out upon excreting the cantaloupe and it rolled away somewhere and that I happened to have a dozen or so left over apricots lying around my rectum from earlier but I cannot for the life of me find the melon anywhere. I think I may have the power to anally turn melons into apricots. Further experimentation will be required of course (once my rectum has recovered) but if this turns out to be true then I may be able to solve world hunger.

    Why is six afraid of seven?

      Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam
      Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
      
      Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

      I fucked a carp

        Carp is a common name for various species of freshwater fish of the family Cyprinidae
        Carp is a common name for various species of freshwater fish of the family Cyprinidae
        I live in a shitty town; I have an older sister, mom and dad. My father is a compulsive angler. He often brings home really big carps, catfishes, pikes and sanders. Nevertheless, what I liked the most was the carps, the golden giants.
         
        A year ago, I was at home, jerking off to some porn when I heard my dad outside, joyfully coming home with his friends. I quickly turned porn off and turned Skyrim on. My father's squad came in, I left my computer to greet them and then I saw that my father was holding a trophy of a 9-kilogram carp. I shared his triumph. Dad left the carp at home and went to the bar with his friends. I stayed at home alone and I decided to have a better look at the carp.
         
        It was still alive and was moving its giant mouth. I imagined, idk why, that carp blowing me. Then I felt an erection. I think you can already guess what I did, I fucked the carp in its mouth with remarkably meaty lips, and I came right into its mouth. Doing so, I felt an extraordinary pleasure.
         
        I forgot about this case later, especially since my father sold that carp at the market. However, when my father was bringing small carps weighting a kilogram or two, I started fucking them, too. I fucked carps and European carps all year long, and fucking smaller carps felt better because their mouths fitted my dick precisely. I loved fucking them while they were still alive, moving their lips around my cock. Over the span of half a year, I fucked, probably, more than 40, probably even 50 carps. I fucked them several times a day, nutted into their assholes, idk why, sometimes I fucked them again when they were already frozen in a refrigerator, but that was for a rainy day. I even tried to fuck a bream once but its mouth was too small. I fucked a chub once, but still, the carps were the best for me, and whenever my father asked me what he should aim to catch tomorrow, I convinced him to get carps, allegedly because their meat tastes very good.
         
        Here's what happened next. My father hadn't been fishing carps for a week. I hadn't been fucking carps for a week. I was walking in a daze, I really wanted to fuck a new fish, I thought about catching a carp myself but I was too lazy and furthermore, I hate fishing. My father only brought one small pike over the span of the week, probably because it was late Fall and he said that it wasn't interesting to catch carps at that time or something. I remember him seemingly starting to suspect something about my carp-mania by I was talking my way out as if I just liked the taste of it and that was it.
         
        My father brought home an 8-kilogram catfish. I really wanted to fuck with a fish and so I started considering that catfish. Why not, its mouth was fine, except for the teeth, but it generally couldn't do anything, only scratch if you strongly press against it, tops. I thought that that would do it. I got my dick exposed, jerked it a little and put in the mouth of the catfish still alive, which by the way was in a bowl of water, and started fucking it. I fucked it for a little more but after a minute, a terrible thing happened. The catfish squeezed my cock and seemingly tried to rip it off, but didn't manage to, it just swiped its teeth against my dick really hardly. I pulled it out immediately, it was all scratched badly as fuck, it was bleeding, I hit the catfish with my leg and it fell in the bowl of water. Blood was streaming from my dick. I fucking bandaged it, put spirit on it. Then I wiped the blood off from the floor. The dick was aching really badly. It swelled up, but later it healed up, some scars were left though. It was a good thing that nobody found out that I fucked fish and had a bandage on my dick. So, my dick healed up completely after a month. I haven't fucked anything through the whole winter and then in Spring my father started bringing carps from fishing again, and I started fucking them again. I fucked the last carp two days ago. Top of that, boobs and generally girls don't turn me on anymore, but I get hard instantly whenever I see a carp's face. My dick got completely smelled up by the fish to the point it's impossible to wash it off. So what, am I some kind of a fish-phile? Am I even normal?

        Why the Elites Want you to Keep Ejaculating

          I've often pondered why porn is pushed on us and daily ejaculation is normalised. A while ago, I came to the conclusion that it keeps us weak, keeps us mindless consumers lacking the energy or power to overthrow the system. Then, today, I thought about it deeper. And I realised that it gets darker.
          
          For those that aren't aware, at around 64 days retaining seed, sperm undergo "Spermatogenesis", which means sperm you've cultivated reach full maturity and potency, which is nature's intention for creating a child.
          
          No wonder disease and mental health issues are higher than ever, because most of us are born from a week's cultivation (if we're lucky), because our fathers were most likely subject to perennial ejaculation indoctrination, meaning we developed from infantile seed.
          
          What kind of fruit will a tree bear if said fruit is harvested in its infancy? Now, what kind of fruit will become of a seedling who has been allowed the correct conditions, nutrients and time to grow into what it is destined to be? I digress, but you get the sentiment. We were all grown from infantile seedling. Which means we were not given the optimum start in life. We are weaker and less powerful than we could of been, had we of received optimum growing conditions.
          
          Imagine how powerful the human race would be if we all grew from Spermatogenesis seed? That is a nation of warriors, divine beings who are not so easily manipulated and controlled.
          
          Now I understand why we are indoctrinated to perennially spill our seed. To keep us weak. In addition, to ensure that future generations perpetuate the weakness. They don't want an army of fully developed beings in existence, because Spermatogenesis babies are revolution babies.
          
          Cultivate your seed. Give your child the best start in life as nature intended, and let's change the world together.

          Let’s have a stern conversation, son

            Let's have a stern conversation about masturbation, son. If you're going to do it while mom and dad are home, can you at least shut the door, and not be so loud about it? For god's sake, if you're going to watch pornography, at least put in headphones, we don't want to hear that shit through the Bluetooth speaker. I don't want to know that my fourteen-year-old son is into scat porn. I didn't need to hear that, but now the whole family knows. Grandma was over visiting. She was down in the dining room, eating a biscuit, drinking some tea, and the next thing we know, the Bluetooth speaker starts playing this crazy scat porn. We heard all sorts of women moaning, and fart sounds, and what can only be described as poop being used as lubricant for somebody's penis. It was distasteful. It probably didn't taste very good, because shit as far as I know, doesn't have a good flavor. I tried your mother's shit one time, and it was not that great. It was fine, probably 3/10 at best, but I wouldn't recommend it. If it was served to me on a plate, I wouldn't return to that restaurant. I would say, "You know what. This chef, he did not do his best. This shit, subpar. Not the greatest."

            POV You’re a redditor and see an emoji

              It was a bright day. I woke up at 3 pm after a long night of humping my Zero Two body pillow. I get out of my bed, as I get up I smell the buildup of sweat and bacteria that have built up on the mattress as I have not showered in the past 2 months. I go to the shower. I notice that my zero two body pillow is sticked on my back. Probably because of the huge amounts of cum on her. I gently remove her from my back. The cum is hard and it pulled a chunk of my back hair. After I finish showering I shave my beard very elegantly. It's beautiful... You can't tell where the beard ends and my chest hair starts. 4chan would be proud of me. I waddle my big choker body to the kitchen. I eat 69 chicken tenders (nice) with honey mussy. I take a big sip of mountain dew and waddle my elegant chungus body to my room. I go to reddit r/Aww to look at some animals as I have not gone outside in the last 2 years. I saw very cute animals, it almost made me say "Wholesome 100" out loud. But then I saw something unimaginable. Something that has completely ruined the post, no, my whole day. I see that the title has emojis in it. I scratch my beard thinking of what I should do... I am way to intelligent to not do anything or to just move on. No. This deserves justice. I think about the current state of reddit and of it's downfal. I see flashbacks of a year ago when it was good, before the insta normies took over and normalised the use of emojis. I remember when we used to make fun of them. Thinking about how they ruined reddit for me makes me angry. But I do not want to step down to their level. I simply comment "Reddit law requiers i downvote for excessive emoji usage". I post my comment. Another insta normie owned. I quietly say "based". I am satisfied.