Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
Ok, if you didn’t know this I should probably tell you. I am uncircumcised, and with me still having my foreskin it feels better to yank my hog. So I have a little routine of jacking off everyday around 11 pm at night. It was around 9:45 pm when I was feeling a little Horny. I was on Nikocado Avocado’s OnlyFans and I must say, it got the better of me. So I just started tugging my meat sword before my usual routine. There’s nothing wrong with that, a premature coom session, it’s all good. So I was jelking my prize hog when all of a we sudden I noticed that my door was still open. I knew that since I started masturbaiting earlier then usual that my family would still be awake. So I get up from my bed and walk to my door still jerking off and I get to my door. I’m just about to close the door when all of a sudden my prankster of a step sister slams my bedroom door shut. And that’s when a sudden sharp pain hits me and I look down and see that my foreskin has gotten caught in the door as it slammed. Holy shit it fucking hurt, my fucking dick felt like it was gonna fall off. Then when I think shit can’t get worse. My step sister started banging on my door demanding that she come inside my room. The banging was making it worse. I shouted “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” but she didn’t listen. She kept banging on the door and that’s when my pain grew into pleasure. It was basically like my foreskin was being rubbed by the doors banging. “Oh shit, that feels really good” I thought. It was like I was fucking my door, it was the best feeling of my life. I wanted to scream and moan In pleasure, but my sister was on the other end of the door. Then right when I was about to bust my sister said “ Fine, I’m just gonna come in anyway”. She opened the door, but It was too late. I busted a fat nut all over her face. She started screaming and she ran away to the bathroom. God, I felt so embarrassed. Despite that, fucking that door was amazing. 10/10 would recommend.
So I've been having a shit year, and for the last few months have been getting more and more depressed. I keep thinking about how I'd be done with all this bullshit if I was dead, and I was planning on just going for it tonight. I was going to say goodbye to someone, and I saw a horny text from a while ago and decided to uhhh go for one last nut. So I did, and then right after I got that yeet of dopamine and post nut clarity was like "bro just be grateful with what you got" and I was like oh shit, I should be grateful with what I have. Anyway long story short if you're suicidal, crank one out first 👍
Holy shit, I'm literally shaking right now. I told my gf once and for all to meet at Wendy's for a debate-date. With all that Destiny had taught me, I knew that I would easily destroy her leftist delusions. Capitalism vs communism in the marketplace of ideas. The first thing I did was bring out my Iphone 11 and show her the wikipedia article for "the Holodomor". I started counting the causalities. That's when she brought out her completely packed bag and started pulling out really thick books of theory. Marx, Engels, Lenin, and a bunch of russian and chinese names I can't even remember. My hands started trembling (with anger) as I continued to scroll down the wikipedia page of "the Holodomor" on my Iphone 11. She basically said that it was all capitalist propaganda and exaggerated, and that communes like "Catalonela" or something were really successful. She kept quoting these books and shoving pages in my face. I told her to stop pivoting and gish-galloping but she just kept going. At this point the people at Wendy's were pointing and chuckling, and someone went "How's it going sport?" with a smirk. No one understood that she was acting in bad faith and was nitpicking and clearly biased. She hadn't really responded to any of the points my wikipedia article was making. At some point I started stammering (because I was so mad at how illogical she was being) and she went "I think I've won" (nice gaslighting).
She asked if we should end it there or if I wanted to try at another debate. I smiled a confident smile and asked "Do you think incest is inherently unethical?" She said obviously, and I asked why, and she couldn't come up with an argument because she went quiet for a few seconds. I continued, "There's nothing inherently wrong with being attracted to your sister" (I am not). But then a guy next to us at Wendy's broke into really loud laughter and basically said "Why are you with this dweeb?"
The guy had a really broad build and was wearing a rose t-shirt. He had a really thick and sturdy beard and a masculine pony tail. "You're clearly more intelligent and hot than this guy. Take a look at this." He showed my gf something on his twitter, and she giggled. I think it was a stupid commie meme or something. She basically ended it there and went with this broad and sturdy guy. On the way out I tripped on the doorstep and everyone laughed. She isn't responding to my texts, and this was like five hours ago. What the fuck should I do debategang? Help.
I was wearing some regular underwear today because all my boxers were dirty, also some loose thin pants because it was pretty warm out. Anyway im in class when the teacher asks me to come up to the board to read a part of the book, im a bit nervous because i dont like pubic speaking but whatever and i start reading it. I notice i have to read 2 fukin pages of this shiit, i start fuking up some words and i get a mini anxiety attack followed by an ever growing boner which looks bigger because underwear bunches up ur balls and cock.
I think whatever bishes will just think my cock is huge so great success, the thing is i start looking at some of the hotter girls in class in their yoga pants with their legs crossed over, my boner gets bigger and its starting to become noticable. i hear some people in the class say something and smiling, at this point im nervous as fuk and i can feel my face becoming red, i fumble with the words because all this compression in my underwear starts to feel good, at the same time its uncomfortable as fuk. I read some more and out of nowhere i say to the teacher "i cant do this anymore can i sit down?" she says no and tells me to finish, my knees start to weaken as i feel an orgasm starting to develop, i yell to the teacher "i have to go now!" the class starts laughing and a girl says "to put ur boner away" now the whole class is in tears laughing and tears of pain start to roll down my eyes but yet my penis is about to explode semen. I run to the door and try to open the doorknob but for some reason it doesnt open, i hear comments like "hes gone fukin insane", i dont know wut comes over me but i accept my new role as crazy.
I rip open my pants and yell "this is so fuking uncomfortable!" and whip my cock out, everybody gasps and yells omg, i start pulling on it and within seconds i start to explode, the teacher runs over and tries to stop me but i just end up jizzing on her, then on a couple people in the front row. everybody is screaming and security comes in and points a gun at me and tell me to get on the ground, i make a large cum stain on the floor where i am dragged away.
It all started on May 15th 2004. As you can probably guess, I (420 months old) was watching Ukranian singer Ruslana bust out a filthy performance of "Wild Dances" for the Eurovision Song Contest Finale. I could feel a chub cumming on, but by the 69th smack of her tambourine it had turned into a beast of an erection. At first I tried to fight it back down. Yet, after 3 hours of meditation, listening to NPR, and replaying that one scene from The Passion of the Christ where Jesus gets nailed to the cross over and over, I realized this was no ordinary boner...
This was an everlasting knob-whopper.
I decided to keep it going as long as possible. Maybe get into the Guinness Book of World Records and finally prove to my deadbeat father that I was more than just "what you'd get if an autistic moose broke into a Taco Bell storeroom and subsequently cloned itself with shit."
Here is a list of the times it was hardest to stay erect (in order):
1. When Bush got re-elected
2. My grandma's funeral
3. Had a nightmare where I was the middle dude in the human centipede (this was before I learned to lucid dream)
4. Homeless guy kicked me in the nuts after I got kidnapped by gang members, tortured, and tossed out of a moving truck in the rain.
5. Colonoscopy
On the other hand, I came way too close to nutting when:
1. A stranger unexpectedly smacked my ass in Target when I bent down to look for stray quarters
2. Prostate exam in '09 (didn't know there were girl doctors - was caught off guard)
3. Watching the Dark Knight
4. When the cashier looked at me for more than 2 seconds in the checkout line at Spencers holding the mega thicc 19" monster dildo I bought.
5. When I came 69th in a Fortnite match (highest score ever)
Last night I finally decided to end it after watching my fave Only Fans performer lick jam off her feet for half an hour. The release was monstrous. My penis contracted so hard my shaft vacuum sealed and caused such pressure to build up that the next jizz rocket slammed a hole through my ceiling. I blacked out after that, and woke up in a pool of my own brogurt dazed and confused, but somehow, at peace.
Then I got thrown out of the Starbucks.
AMA!
The year is 2120
I've received my pink money from my beautiful and powerful female boss at my pink job so I can go buy some pink food at the pink grocery store.
Jonesing for a fruit salad
Approach a pink employee
"Excuse me where are the oranges?"
I realized my mistake too late
"I-I mean the pinks, where are the pinks at? haha"
The pink police arrive almost immediately
"This here is the rapist ma'am?"
"Yes, that's him"
10 years minimum in the absence of green penitentiary for sexual assault
It's okay I guess. Anything for equality as my mom's once said.
