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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


Never, EVER put diet coke and mentos in your ass

    NTA, your ass your rules
    Open
    Never, EVER put diet coke and mentos in your ass

Y’all know about the prostate gland? The male rub-to-cum? Yea that thing. This is the glorious story of how I tried (and failed) to stimulate it.
The Buildup

I was drinking Pepsi and reading an article on how prostate stimulation intensifies orgasms. So, I had the genius idea of using coke to stimulate my ass. WCGW? I mean that the carbonation feels... good in my mouth, so It should work in my ass. As an engineer, there are many logistical challenges to bypass when trying to insert coke into one’s asshole.

Q: How do I put cola in my anus in the first place?

A: You use the rim of the bottle and stick it directly in the anus.

Q: How do I make sure that the coke stays there?

A: You don’t. That’s where I fucked up

Now, with a half-assed plan, I went to the store. As I was checking out, I saw a pack mentos. Time to bring this to level two. I put back the original coke and bought diet coke instead. All 2 liters of glory.
The disaster

20 mins later...

With three mentos in my ass, I gingerly lowered the rim to my rim and poured. The reaction was nearly instant. With the tidal force of a tsunami, the bottle was violently ejected from my ass. A pressure was building up, and the gates of hell opened. I felt Satan’s sugary fire burst from my asshole onto the bed. Holy shit, you would not realize the panic I had. There was a pain, both emotional and physical. The sugary wet fart, the sound of a thousand ass-trumpets creating a heavenly cacophony. I saw the light, I saw the dark. I felt The intense sting of carbonation, I experienced nothing and everything. I had found God, and he was punishing me. There was the maddening sensation of your asshole bending over itself, inside out, shrinking, expanding. It was worse than any experience ever. My brain still cannot comprehend the sensations, but they were torturous. I have contemplated what hell might feel like, and I know that I could find peace there. My bed was soaked with shit-coke. Lord, how am I to clean up.

Don't ever try what I did.
The aftermath

I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Don’t try anything insane. Avoid the asshole.

Also, TIL that the human asshole can stretch 8 centimeters without damage.

TL;DR: Stick to beating your meat, folks.

    “I’ve never been a fan of Internet Explorer”

      The Big Bang Theory is an American sitcom about a bunch of geeks and a ton of nerd references.
      "I've never been a fan of Internet Explorer" Crowd laughs nervously and a few grunts are heard from the back seats as people edge closer to hear the punchline. "Why not? Don't you like the internet?" The crowd suddenly stands up, aware that they are about to receive what they came for. People slowly edge closer to the set as Sheldon prepares for his next line. Sweat is clearly visible on his brow and his mouth is quivering in anticipation as he readies himself for what is about to happen. "I just prefer Firefox because, like the fox, I am cunning and nimble." The crowd suddenly surges forward as the words escape Sheldon's mouth. They are so powerful, they almost shake the very foundations of the CBS studios. He watches as, in what he perceives as slow motion, the crowd moves toward his fragile body. He has been preparing for this moment his whole life. This is his moment. This is his Emmy. This is his Golden Globe. This is even his Oscar. The crowd converges around him so quickly they ignore the trampled cries of Leonard and Penny, who now lie shaking on the floor, their bones crushed by the sheer mass of the crowd. Sheldon stares back at the eyes around him. What he sees are no longer people. What he sees is the human psyche stripped down to its core. Their lives, what they were before this moment has been forgotten. Ravenous. Hungry. They want one thing from him. Sheldon closes his eyes, clears his mind and relaxes his body. What happens next depends completely on the next few seconds. The time between this and what he mutters next feels like an eternity. Slowly, he opens his eyes. He looks at Leonard, then at Penny, both lying lifeless on the floor. Without a second thought, he says with resounding conviction... "BAZINGA" In a split second, the crowd pounces on his ready and waiting body. Man, woman, child all at once. Sheldon cries out in complete ecstasy as they consume his flesh. He stops suddenly, as he drifts into eternal slumber. Peace at last.

      its 3 am and i fucked up really bad

        Texture
        Original
        I was hungry so i decided to eat some bbq wings and watch some anime. there was about 6 of it and i ate 3 and a half. that was when i started to feel a bit funky on my hand and mouth, and i thought to myself "wow, these bacteria are extra rough today". i used the flashlight on my phone to see what was going on and there was an army of ants covering my hands and i shit you not, i cough once and my mouth is a shotgun that shoots ants as bullets. i was covered in fear and ants and the urge to scream, but the fear of asian parents is stronger. i can only cry silently in a dark and quiet room, all alone, while being violated by ants.

        I’m a teacher but I’m treated like I’m a streamer

          “Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.”
          I'm a teacher, middle school ages, we have a gaming club in our school. Most of the kids are vocal about watching Twitch, who their favorite streamers are and when playing games the would suggest who to watch to get better at a game, e.g. watch Hashinshin to improve at League etc. Now when the kids come to the gaming club they no longer ask about games, they all just chant 'Miss, get your tits out, get your tits out, get your tits out for the lads' or 'Miss, I'll pay you a dollar to show me your feet' or 'Miss, how much too see your butthole' or 'Miss, I'll gift 50 subs if you get your tits out now' or 'Miss, the lads need those big juicy milf titties out' or 'Miss, get your tits out or I'll bring a gun to school tomorrow'. It's getting a bit tiresome, will Twich Tv ever do anything about this epidemic?

          Norman Reedus

            Norman Reedus and his amazing fetus
            I had this friend who used to brag to us all the time that he could catch his cum in his mouth without fail every time he masturbated.  He actually wrote down how many times he successfully did it.  327.  I’ll never forget that number.  And every day at school, he would talk about this.  It was always during lunch my sophomore year of high school, too..so it was extremely unnecessary.  He used to always try to demonstrate his techniques with packets of mayonnaise but we’d always threaten to move tables so he’d stop.  He was really one of those people who needed attention constantly.  Aside from those times at lunch, he was a completely normal dude.  Like…even after class we’d ask him about that stuff and be like “dude, what was with that cum stuff at lunch,” and he’d always look at us like we were crazy and say “what the hell are you talking about?”  I’ll never forget that classmate.  His great personality will always be remember but his perplexing obsession with catching his own ejaculate in his mouth will live on forever at my previous high school.  He was a one of a kind guy.  His name was Norman Reedus.

            I used to play Fortnite all night.

              Raid: Shadow Legends is a fantasy-themed, turn-based role-playing gacha game.
              More Raid
              I used to play Fortnite all night. No sleep! But ever since Obama told me to try Raid Shadow Legends for free, I am addicted. This game is a game. It has graphics. It has characters. Best of all it has a loot box mechanic to enhance my experience even more by adding another exciting chance based layer to the game! Two week ago I spend all my money becoming a Raid Shadow Legend. Now I live in a dumpster outside a McDonald’s with free WiFi. At night I sneak into the McDonald’s like my new raccoon dad, Stripey, taught me to do so I can charge my phone. Through the cracked screen I am still perpetually amazed by the graphics of this game... they look so real! Thank you Obama, you truly changed my life!