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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


Tem coisa mais amedrontadora do que ir a barbearia?

    >já vou puto pq o corte é 35 pila
>chego lá
>3 barbeiros
>10 clientes sem camisa, de chinelo e com calção de jogar bola
>estranhamente todos os clientes se conhecem
>clientes ficam conversando e vc exatamente assim →😐
>você senta ou fica de pé
>começa a suar pra caralho pq tem medo de gente
>MC cabelinho tocando de fundo (algo que te faz ter ainda mais medo do ambiente)
>barbeiro levando 40 minutos pra fazer um pezinho
>após 2 horas de espera, chega sua vez
>barbeiro pergunta qual corte vc vai "lançar"
>vc responde
>barbeiro não entende pq vc fala baixo pra caralho
>responde de novo (agora falando mais alto)
>barbeiro já te julga como estranho por ter escolhido um corte tão nerd
>corte terminado
>barbeiro pergunta se você vai fazer a sobrancelha
>vc responde que sim
>novamente ele não entende pq vc fala pra dentro
>vc responde de novo que sim
>barbeiro para o rosto 5 centímetros longe da sua cara pra fazer sua sombrancelha
>você entra em desespero pq não sabe se fecha o olho, fica com o olho aberto, olha pro lado ou oq
>sombrancelha feita
>barbeiro te pergunta qual vai ser a forma de pagamento
>vc responde que é no dinheiro
>ele não entende de novo
>vc responde novamente que vai ser no dinheiro
>volta pra casa e se tranca no quarto pensando pq a vida é tão difícil pra você

    Open English translated

    Is there anything scarier than going to the barbershop?
> I'm already pissed because the cut is 35 dick
>get there
>3 barbers
>10 customers without a shirt, in flip-flops and soccer shorts
>Strangely, all the customers know each other
>customers are talking and you are exactly like this →😐
>you sit or stand
>starts sweating like hell because he's scared of people
>MC cabelinho playing in the background (something that makes you even more afraid of the environment)
>barber taking 40 minutes to make a foot
>after 2 hours of waiting, it's your turn
>barber asks which cut you're going to "launch"
>you answer
>barber doesn't understand why you talk so fucking low
>answers again (now louder)
>barber already judges you as weird for choosing such a nerdy cut
>finished cut
>barber asks if you're going to get your eyebrows done
>you say yes
>again he doesn't understand why you talk inside
>you say yes again
>barber for the face 5 centimeters away from your face to do your eyebrows
>you get desperate because you don't know whether to close your eyes, keep your eyes open, look to the side or what
>eyebrow done
>barber asks you what the payment method will be
>you say it's in the money
>he doesn't understand again
>you answer again that it will be in the money
>come home and lock yourself in your room wondering why life is so hard for you

    Why was 6 afraid of 7?

      Vsauce

      Is it because 7 8 9?
*No. 7 never 8 9. Seven doesn't even know nine.
The truth is, one day, six and seven decided to go camping together. And seven, one-ted, two bring ,three knives, four sur-five-al, but Six knew that Seven secretly h-eight-ed him, and he didn't have be-nine in-ten-tions.*
      Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

b/c he 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 "sur5al," but 6 knew 7 secretly h8ed him & didn't have be9 in10tions.

      Vsauce Tweet and YT Shorts

      Original

      It's a fairly common question, mostly because when people see 6 and 7 next to each other, it doesn't really make sense. 6 is large, muscled, and trained in multiple martial arts, while 7 is fairly average, physically, and short. However, 6's fear of 7 has its roots in childhood. See, 6 and 7 grew up together, and for a few years, they were best friends. But then 6 kissed 3, and they became childhood sweethearts. 7 secretly had feelings for 3, so 7 decided he needed to destroy 6 to win 3's affection. He started subtly, undermining 6 whenever possible with passive aggressive comments and compli-sults. But over time, things got much more insidious. 7 started messing with 6's performance in school, bringing down his grades and turning teachers against him. Even worse, 7 became great friends with 6's parents and slowly turned them against their own offspring. At night, 7 would sneak into 6's bedroom, and whisper depressing and hopeless things into his ears. Every time 3 was around, 7 would pants 6 and make fun of his genitalia, or try to body shame him in other ways. However, 3 was both smart and compassionate, and saw through 7's schemes, sticking with 6, trying to counter 7's psychological tear-down with compliments and friendship. Finally, 7 decided that he would never be able to win 3, so he drugged both 6 and 3, taking them to an abandoned cobbler's hut on the edge of town. There, he proceeded to torture and maim 3, forcing 6 to watch in horror, unable to do anything to save his sweetheart. 7 didn't kill 3, but instead, put her in a semi-vegetative state. 7 cleaned the scene of his prescence, then called the cops, having 6 blamed for 3's condition. 6 was sent to prison, believing 6 was guilty, 6's parents fell into a deep depression, eventually committing suicide over what they believed 6 had done. After serving 17 years of a 30 year sentence, and getting out on good behaviour, 6, now muscled and skilled as a fighter, thought he might get revenge on 7. But when he finally tracked down 7, he found out that 7 had installed a micro-bomb into 3's body, and should he be killed, the bomb would automatically go off and kill 3 as well. And though she was still in a mostly fugue state, 6 couldn't bring himself to hurt her any further, and decided to try and move on with his life. However, being an ex-con, it was difficult for him to get a job. 6 finally found employment at a diner, which 7 then bought, and proceeded to again undermine and toy with 6 at every turn. 6 tried to find employment elsewhere, but 7 contacted any potential employer and soured them against 6. 6 finally realized that no matter what he did, 7 was going to try and ruin his life, and he resigned himself to living as a broken, lonely man, never able to stand up to the depraved, amoral 7.

      Anon went deer hunting

        Alright /b/, this is the story about how I went hunting for a deer with only my fucking fists.
The only reason I reveal this to the world is because Easter reminds me of the event and I'm high as fucking shit.

>Be freshly 19
>Decide I hadn't went hunting for a long time
>Fuck it, it's easter brek
>No college for the break
Decide to visits grandparents at mother's suggestion
>Waaaaay out in the sticks
>Spent my dats just sitting around on comfy as hell furniture
>BUT
>I was going hunting dammit
inb4 hunting out off season
>Private property
>I'm bigger than the law
>Got up from fur lined couch
>Went to the fucking gun cabinet
DOOMGuy'sBackpack.png
>BUT WAIT
>Grandparents out of the house to easter service at church
>Grandpa had the keys to the fucking gun cabinet
>Fuck you grandpa, I"m going hunting
>Like a roll for lock picking in D&D I went to open it
Natural fucking 1
>Fuck
>Think I broke the lock
>Fuck it, I'm going hunting
>Remember the days on /k/
>Remember I saved some handy info graphs
9001 scrolls later
>Find one for a snare
>We're in business boys.
>Farmhouse is old and dusters than grandma's pussy at thispoint
>Crouching as I dig for some rope
>Find rope that could hang even the biggest of Tumblr user
>Head out for the biggest mistake of my life
1/?
Cont.?

        Open the rest of the story

        >Had to go back to the house because I forgot bait
>Wtf do deer eat
Pic related
>Grab some shit from kitchen and garden
>I'm in the woods deep as fuck
>See some tracks in the dirt
>Fuck, not deer
>Wait 
>Saw more tracks
>These were definitely for a deer
>Feel like Arnold SquashANigger setting up traps for the Child Predator
>Even rub  some mud on my face in sort of Rambo stye
>Might not have been mud
>Hard to recall
>Anyway
>My work is done
>Admire the work worthy of Artemis, Master of the Hunt
>Go off a couple yards and lie down in the grass
>Had some sticks around me like fucking Eeyore
>Also slight depression
>Waited for what seems to be about 4 fucking hours
>Only activity was a text from grandparents
>Asking about the busted lock on the gun cabinet
>Fuck
>Lie and say I didn't know
>Lie and say I left the house almost after them to wander ye olde" town
>Never got found out 
>But suffice to say 
>Cabinet got replaced with safe
All'sWellThatEndsWell.png
>Hear a crinkle
>As if a fatass opened up a Snickers
>Looked up and saw a doe
>Doe, a deer
>A female deer
>Fucking love that movie
2/?
        >Hold my fucking breath
>Watch it steadily walk towards the bait I had brought
>Fresh, and early Strawberries and Cap'n Crunch
>Holy fuck
>She's taking the bait
>You took the bait
Kidding
>You'll wish tho, compared to what you'll read next
>She's bent forward and sniffing the food
>Her front hoof goes forward
YouActivatedMyTrapCard.jpg
>Snaps her up quick as fuck
>The yell she did was ear splitting
>In an instant I was on her with more rope
>Like a pedophile in a game of tag
>Tackled her to the ground and got my arms around her back legs somehow while on her back
>Holy fuck she was kicking
>Tied it around both calfs
>Not as easy as it sounds
>Like holy fuck
>Nailed me in the side of the head
>Would've actually hurt had my body weight not been restraining her
>But anyway
>Tied her legs up
>Second time was much easier
>Backed up for a second
>Sat in disbelief
>Holy fuck
>I did it
>But then /b/
>Then i made a horrible mistake
3/?
        >Happy as absolute fuck I put my hand on the deer's back
>Trying to calm it down
>When I saw it was a doe, I first thought
Fuck. I"m not gonna get any horns.
>Decided if it high the snare I'd see if I could take it down and see if it was possible to hunt barehanded
>Then probably just let it go and set up shop a ways away
>Now I was about to let it go but I noticed something
>Her fur felt soft and amazing
>My heart was fucking racing from the wrestle
>I also felt very hot
InstantBoner.jpg
>I looked at the deer as saw it had stopped struggling for the most part
>I didn't even think
>lightly guided it to a skinny, but sturdy looking tree right there
>With more rope I tied her back, right leg to it
>Tied rope around a tree to the left and her back, left leg
>Pulled out my knife and cut the two rope holding together her legs
>Quickly, but softly I fastened the rope on the left
>She was all fucking redy
>Couldn't move
>Legs open
>Inviting
>Wet
>I ripped of my clothes faster than superman can change in a phone both
>Took a big, wet spit onto my
>Diamond
>Twitching
>Barely contained dick
>Like you don't even know
>I was harder than Graphene
>My dick was lubbed up and ready to to go
>I swear it just went it
>Like the sweet mix of pleasure and fear on your first water slide ride
>The deer shivered and did a sort of moan
>It just made me even harder
>I get the deer twitch and grip on m y dick with every fucking thrust
>I hit that shit like a fucking E. Honda Hyakuretsu Harite
        >I beat that shit up man
>And the deer was loving it
>More than once she would seize up around my dick and spasm like hell
>Holy shit
>Like Jacuzzi jets on all my dick
>Before long, I had came inside with the force of a thousand suns
(Post the file)
>I don't know who came harder or who was panting harder
>Me or the deer
>Just then I discovered Satan was real
>I had a thought that proclaimed
She has two other holes.
4/?
        >Using another sick I found I made a makeshift bit out of the last of my rope
Relax PETA. She was bitting it with her back teeth. It wasn't hurting her like an actual bit.
>Threw my already hard again dick down her mouth and felt her lounge run all across it
>Even very gentle nibbles
>She would had bit my dick off had the rope not been there
>Holy fuck the feeling was eternal
>Came faster the second time just as hard
One last hole
>Took the condom I had in my wallet out
Who wants deer shit on there dick?
>Plus it was heavily lubed
>Went in with a bit of effort
>Like a fucking asshole
>Magnificent
>Came after about 30min
>Not much cum
>Now my balls kinda hurt
>The deer was in a state of pleasured euphoria
>Deiced to cut it down
>Just played there on the ground
>Breathing heavily
>But very calmly
>Cum just dripping from her pussy
One
More
Time
Daft Punk
>Laid down on the ground and made love just like this
>For and hour
>Just making sweet love
>Took about 4hours to just lay there and cuddle the deer
>Afterwards we fucked again
>And I sear on everything holy
>Her legs held me in and she pumped with me
>Cam harder than I ever had in  my entire life
>She came right with me
>Before long the sun had set
>I dressed and looked upon my lover
>She was just sitting there
>Watching me as I left
>I didn't look back
        TL;DR
I went out to hunt, and instead fucked and defiled a deer in every way imaginable. Gaining a love and longing for her that last to this day. Mix that with the guilt of knowing I fucked a deer and I an a shell of a man.

Goodnight /b/.
        Arhived image of the original thread on 4chan

        This game is making me go ballistic

          This game is making me go ballistic. I was at a bar with my friends last weekend when my friend mentioned how many trophies he was at. I played it cool and lied about how many I was at but he had passed me on trophy road and I had to play so i went to the bathroom and of course my first game I match against hog and my phone dies half way through. I was so mad and had to play so I walked to a gas station and bought a charger but had no where to plug it in and was bored of the bar and in a rage I just didn’t care anymore and unplugged the cooler with all the ice cream in it and sat on the floor waiting for it to charge and started playing. I couldn’t win because I kept playing firecracker and hog and skarol and by the time the employee caught on the dipping dots and multiple other ice cream items were melted and deformed inside the package. I told him I didn’t care and in comes a cop who proceeded to arrest me confiscate my fake id and put me on a 6 hour hold in a cell. This is the worst game ever and on the way there all I could think about was getting emoted on when I lost to lavahound I didn’t even care I was arrested this is the biggest rage game I’ve ever played. How am I supposed to win when I’m getting hard countered in every match?

          My girlfriend’s ass worms went inside my peehole

            So me and my girl decided to do some ass sex earlier today, she was all giddy and excited and so she was naked and got on all fours and wiggled her ass. I was super excited too so i went in there no condom and no lube, i went full force in there and she moaned like an elephant, im just pounding away and theres no poo on my dick. But then i look down and see a bunch of little worms on her anus and crawling on my penis, i pull out quickly and go to wash it off in the washroom but i notice one trying to get inside my peehole, i try to grab it but its too small and it goes inside. My girlfriend is frantic apologizing and we dunno wtf to do and im panicking hardcore. Then my girlfriend is like "u need to jizz right now to blow it out before it lays eggs inside of ur dick!" Thats quick thinking by my worm infested girlfriend.

So i start to jerk it hard as fuk super fast, and within like 30 seconds im close to climax. Fuk my girlfriend though disgusting girl she should wash her anus better, I jump in the air and jizz right in her face as she squirms, i then see like a dozen worms fly out my peehole and land on her face. She starts screaming as they enter her nose and mouth. I only thought 1 went in but apparently a ton went in when i did her in the butt. wut a weird day man im never doing anal without a condom again.

            My girlfriend called out a “twitch streamer’s” name during sex

              Burner account so my girlfriend doesn’t find this. I (24m) have been dating my girlfriend (26f) for a couple of months now, and things have been great. We immediately hit it off with each other, sharing a lot of the same common interests and going on a couple of really great dates. We started spending all of our time at each other’s places, and we've even been talking about moving in together. There’s just one complication that arose a few days ago, when we were fooling around and eventually going all the way with each other. I was about to finish and I knew she was too, but when she was hitting climax, she called out another man’s name. I was a little confused at first, and I didn’t really process it until after the fact. The name she called out was weird as hell too (Jerma). I thought she maybe just butchered my name since it also starts with a J, but it was also weirdly specific to be a random mistake. She seemed adamant about avoiding the subject when I tried to bring it up with her, so I stopped and kept it to myself for the time being. It was after she fell asleep that I searched her followers on instagram and twitter to see if this was some guy she had been talking to. The only thing I found was this account on twitter called “Jerma985”. The guy apparently has thousands of followers and is also on other websites like twitch and youtube. I didn't really know what to do with this information so I just kind of went to bed and waited to talk about it the next day. When that morning arrived, I tried just asking about the name again and she started crying and profusely apologizing. I wasn’t really mad, and I told her as much to help her calm down a little. She explained to me that this “Jerma” character is a “twitch streamer” that she follows and likes a lot, and it was a total mistake on her part when she yelled his name. She said she’s been obsessed with him lately, but that I didn’t have anything to worry about. I told her it was fine and that I didn’t mind as long as it wasn’t going to be a regular thing. The issue is, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I don’t like seeming insecure, especially over this guy that neither of us have ever met, but it’s really weighing on me and I can tell our relationship hasn’t been the same ever since. Jerma is unknowingly ruining our relationship and I’m not sure how to fix it.