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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


I met Shawn Michaels at a restaurant once

    I met Shawn Michaels at a restaurant once - we’d accidentally been given his table. Apparently he was fond of the restaurant and had a specific table he liked, and the management had messed up and gotten their days wrong, (it was Tuesday and they thought he was coming on Thursday or something like that). Anyway, the manager, completely embarrassed (this is a pretty nice restaurant) comes by and says “I’m so sorry, but we’d like to move you to another table if you could be troubled, and we’ll gladly compensate you for the cost of the meal and any other meal you’d like while you’re in town.” My sister and cousin were both like “Yeah that’s cool.” and I kind of played the asshole a bit. “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. We’ve been here for 15 minutes - we’ve just ordered. Can’t we finish our meal here?” Then out of nowhere Shawn Michaels shows up next to the manager and says “Paul, these guys can finish. We’ll be at the bar. I got some time.” And I (being a big HBK fan) said “Oh wow, uh… I had no idea. Please feel free to give them the table.” Shawn was grateful, shook my hand and said thanks, then gave me a card with his number on it and told me to give him a call later. After working up the nerve, I gave him a call that night, and to make a long story short, we had a glorious 11 month love affair, man on man, that I shall never forget. Our bodies intertwined as one, and from the beauty of Morocco, to the French Riviera, to the snorkeling in the Galopagos, Shawn Michaels and I made glorious gay love to each other on six of the seven continents.
    I met Shawn Michaels at a restaurant once - we’d accidentally been given his table. Apparently he was fond of the restaurant and had a specific table he liked, and the management had messed up and gotten their days wrong, (it was Tuesday and they thought he was coming on Thursday or something like that).
    
    Anyway, the manager, completely embarrassed (this is a pretty nice restaurant) comes by and says “I’m so sorry, but we’d like to move you to another table if you could be troubled, and we’ll gladly compensate you for the cost of the meal and any other meal you’d like while you’re in town.” My sister and cousin were both like “Yeah that’s cool.” and I kind of played the asshole a bit.
    
    “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. We’ve been here for 15 minutes - we’ve just ordered. Can’t we finish our meal here?”
    
    Then out of nowhere Shawn Michaels shows up next to the manager and says “Paul, these guys can finish. We’ll be at the bar. I got some time.”
    
    And I (being a big HBK fan) said “Oh wow, uh… I had no idea. Please feel free to give them the table.”
    
    Shawn was grateful, shook my hand and said thanks, then gave me a card with his number on it and told me to give him a call later. After working up the nerve, I gave him a call that night, and to make a long story short, we had a glorious 11 month love affair, man on man, that I shall never forget. Our bodies intertwined as one, and from the beauty of Morocco, to the French Riviera, to the snorkeling in the Galopagos, Shawn Michaels and I made glorious gay love to each other on six of the seven continents.

    I fucking hate gaming laptops.

      linus about to drop this big boi
      Today when I walked into my economics class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The Forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer's thigh. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a fucking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I fucking hate gaming laptops.

      Fui no supermercado comprar 1 pepino e 1 camisinha e me dei mal.

        Eu sempre tive uma vontade estúpida de fazer essa "brincadeira" Chego no caixa do supermercado com um pepino e uma camisinha, nada mais, só pra ver a reação do caixa tentando imaginar o que eu ia fazer com aquilo.
        
        Fiz isso ontem de noite voltando do trabalho, e foi hilário. Eu fiquei rindo sozinho em casa feito um doente, imaginando o que se passou na cabeça da atendente. Elas sempre dão boa noite e puxam algum assunto, mas dessa vez a mulher não conseguiu falar nada de tão chocada.
        
        Beleza. Isso foi ontem. O problema é que eu voltei lá agora pouco, e a impressão que eu tive é de que todos me olhavam estranho. Cheguei até a encontrar o olhar com o gerente e ele desviou segurando riso. Tá na cara, né. A mulher saiu contando pra geral. Agora eu não posso mais voltar no supermercado que eu frequento quase todos os dias há anos porque todos os funcionários estão pensando que eu me masturbo enfiando um pepino no rabo. Estou extremamente envergonhado e acho que vou ter que começar a ir em outro lugar. Pra completar, eu gastei dinheiro com pepino e camisinha, sendo que eu não transo e nem gosto de legumes.

        Open English translated

        I've always had this stupid urge to do this "joke". I arrive at the supermarket checkout with a cucumber and a condom, nothing else, just to see the cashier's reaction trying to imagine what I was going to do with it.
        I did this last night on my way home from work, and it was hilarious. I was laughing alone at home like a sick person, imagining what was going on in the attendant's head. They always say good night and bring up some subject, but this time the woman couldn't say anything she was so shocked.
        Beauty. That was yesterday. The problem is that I went back there just now, and the impression I had was that everyone was looking at me strangely. I even met the manager's eye and he looked away with a chuckle. It's on the face, right? The woman left telling the general. Now I can't go back to the supermarket I've been going to almost every day for years because all the employees are thinking I masturbate by sticking a cucumber up my ass. I'm extremely embarrassed and I think I'm going to have to start going elsewhere. To top it off, I spent money on cucumbers and condoms, since I don't have sex and I don't even like vegetables.

        Tem coisa mais amedrontadora do que ir a barbearia?

          >já vou puto pq o corte é 35 pila
          >chego lá
          >3 barbeiros
          >10 clientes sem camisa, de chinelo e com calção de jogar bola
          >estranhamente todos os clientes se conhecem
          >clientes ficam conversando e vc exatamente assim →😐
          >você senta ou fica de pé
          >começa a suar pra caralho pq tem medo de gente
          >MC cabelinho tocando de fundo (algo que te faz ter ainda mais medo do ambiente)
          >barbeiro levando 40 minutos pra fazer um pezinho
          >após 2 horas de espera, chega sua vez
          >barbeiro pergunta qual corte vc vai "lançar"
          >vc responde
          >barbeiro não entende pq vc fala baixo pra caralho
          >responde de novo (agora falando mais alto)
          >barbeiro já te julga como estranho por ter escolhido um corte tão nerd
          >corte terminado
          >barbeiro pergunta se você vai fazer a sobrancelha
          >vc responde que sim
          >novamente ele não entende pq vc fala pra dentro
          >vc responde de novo que sim
          >barbeiro para o rosto 5 centímetros longe da sua cara pra fazer sua sombrancelha
          >você entra em desespero pq não sabe se fecha o olho, fica com o olho aberto, olha pro lado ou oq
          >sombrancelha feita
          >barbeiro te pergunta qual vai ser a forma de pagamento
          >vc responde que é no dinheiro
          >ele não entende de novo
          >vc responde novamente que vai ser no dinheiro
          >volta pra casa e se tranca no quarto pensando pq a vida é tão difícil pra você

          Open English translated

          Is there anything scarier than going to the barbershop?
          > I'm already pissed because the cut is 35 dick
          >get there
          >3 barbers
          >10 customers without a shirt, in flip-flops and soccer shorts
          >Strangely, all the customers know each other
          >customers are talking and you are exactly like this →😐
          >you sit or stand
          >starts sweating like hell because he's scared of people
          >MC cabelinho playing in the background (something that makes you even more afraid of the environment)
          >barber taking 40 minutes to make a foot
          >after 2 hours of waiting, it's your turn
          >barber asks which cut you're going to "launch"
          >you answer
          >barber doesn't understand why you talk so fucking low
          >answers again (now louder)
          >barber already judges you as weird for choosing such a nerdy cut
          >finished cut
          >barber asks if you're going to get your eyebrows done
          >you say yes
          >again he doesn't understand why you talk inside
          >you say yes again
          >barber for the face 5 centimeters away from your face to do your eyebrows
          >you get desperate because you don't know whether to close your eyes, keep your eyes open, look to the side or what
          >eyebrow done
          >barber asks you what the payment method will be
          >you say it's in the money
          >he doesn't understand again
          >you answer again that it will be in the money
          >come home and lock yourself in your room wondering why life is so hard for you

          Why was 6 afraid of 7?

            Vsauce

            Is it because 7 8 9?
            *No. 7 never 8 9. Seven doesn't even know nine.
            The truth is, one day, six and seven decided to go camping together. And seven, one-ted, two bring ,three knives, four sur-five-al, but Six knew that Seven secretly h-eight-ed him, and he didn't have be-nine in-ten-tions.*
            Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?
            
            b/c he 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 "sur5al," but 6 knew 7 secretly h8ed him & didn't have be9 in10tions.

            Vsauce Tweet and YT Shorts

            Original

            It's a fairly common question, mostly because when people see 6 and 7 next to each other, it doesn't really make sense. 6 is large, muscled, and trained in multiple martial arts, while 7 is fairly average, physically, and short. However, 6's fear of 7 has its roots in childhood. See, 6 and 7 grew up together, and for a few years, they were best friends. But then 6 kissed 3, and they became childhood sweethearts. 7 secretly had feelings for 3, so 7 decided he needed to destroy 6 to win 3's affection. He started subtly, undermining 6 whenever possible with passive aggressive comments and compli-sults. But over time, things got much more insidious. 7 started messing with 6's performance in school, bringing down his grades and turning teachers against him. Even worse, 7 became great friends with 6's parents and slowly turned them against their own offspring. At night, 7 would sneak into 6's bedroom, and whisper depressing and hopeless things into his ears. Every time 3 was around, 7 would pants 6 and make fun of his genitalia, or try to body shame him in other ways. However, 3 was both smart and compassionate, and saw through 7's schemes, sticking with 6, trying to counter 7's psychological tear-down with compliments and friendship. Finally, 7 decided that he would never be able to win 3, so he drugged both 6 and 3, taking them to an abandoned cobbler's hut on the edge of town. There, he proceeded to torture and maim 3, forcing 6 to watch in horror, unable to do anything to save his sweetheart. 7 didn't kill 3, but instead, put her in a semi-vegetative state. 7 cleaned the scene of his prescence, then called the cops, having 6 blamed for 3's condition. 6 was sent to prison, believing 6 was guilty, 6's parents fell into a deep depression, eventually committing suicide over what they believed 6 had done. After serving 17 years of a 30 year sentence, and getting out on good behaviour, 6, now muscled and skilled as a fighter, thought he might get revenge on 7. But when he finally tracked down 7, he found out that 7 had installed a micro-bomb into 3's body, and should he be killed, the bomb would automatically go off and kill 3 as well. And though she was still in a mostly fugue state, 6 couldn't bring himself to hurt her any further, and decided to try and move on with his life. However, being an ex-con, it was difficult for him to get a job. 6 finally found employment at a diner, which 7 then bought, and proceeded to again undermine and toy with 6 at every turn. 6 tried to find employment elsewhere, but 7 contacted any potential employer and soured them against 6. 6 finally realized that no matter what he did, 7 was going to try and ruin his life, and he resigned himself to living as a broken, lonely man, never able to stand up to the depraved, amoral 7.

            Anon went deer hunting

              Alright /b/, this is the story about how I went hunting for a deer with only my fucking fists.
              The only reason I reveal this to the world is because Easter reminds me of the event and I'm high as fucking shit.
              
              >Be freshly 19
              >Decide I hadn't went hunting for a long time
              >Fuck it, it's easter brek
              >No college for the break
              Decide to visits grandparents at mother's suggestion
              >Waaaaay out in the sticks
              >Spent my dats just sitting around on comfy as hell furniture
              >BUT
              >I was going hunting dammit
              inb4 hunting out off season
              >Private property
              >I'm bigger than the law
              >Got up from fur lined couch
              >Went to the fucking gun cabinet
              DOOMGuy'sBackpack.png
              >BUT WAIT
              >Grandparents out of the house to easter service at church
              >Grandpa had the keys to the fucking gun cabinet
              >Fuck you grandpa, I"m going hunting
              >Like a roll for lock picking in D&D I went to open it
              Natural fucking 1
              >Fuck
              >Think I broke the lock
              >Fuck it, I'm going hunting
              >Remember the days on /k/
              >Remember I saved some handy info graphs
              9001 scrolls later
              >Find one for a snare
              >We're in business boys.
              >Farmhouse is old and dusters than grandma's pussy at thispoint
              >Crouching as I dig for some rope
              >Find rope that could hang even the biggest of Tumblr user
              >Head out for the biggest mistake of my life
              1/?
              Cont.?

              Open the rest of the story

              >Had to go back to the house because I forgot bait
              >Wtf do deer eat
              Pic related
              >Grab some shit from kitchen and garden
              >I'm in the woods deep as fuck
              >See some tracks in the dirt
              >Fuck, not deer
              >Wait 
              >Saw more tracks
              >These were definitely for a deer
              >Feel like Arnold SquashANigger setting up traps for the Child Predator
              >Even rub  some mud on my face in sort of Rambo stye
              >Might not have been mud
              >Hard to recall
              >Anyway
              >My work is done
              >Admire the work worthy of Artemis, Master of the Hunt
              >Go off a couple yards and lie down in the grass
              >Had some sticks around me like fucking Eeyore
              >Also slight depression
              >Waited for what seems to be about 4 fucking hours
              >Only activity was a text from grandparents
              >Asking about the busted lock on the gun cabinet
              >Fuck
              >Lie and say I didn't know
              >Lie and say I left the house almost after them to wander ye olde" town
              >Never got found out 
              >But suffice to say 
              >Cabinet got replaced with safe
              All'sWellThatEndsWell.png
              >Hear a crinkle
              >As if a fatass opened up a Snickers
              >Looked up and saw a doe
              >Doe, a deer
              >A female deer
              >Fucking love that movie
              2/?
              >Hold my fucking breath
              >Watch it steadily walk towards the bait I had brought
              >Fresh, and early Strawberries and Cap'n Crunch
              >Holy fuck
              >She's taking the bait
              >You took the bait
              Kidding
              >You'll wish tho, compared to what you'll read next
              >She's bent forward and sniffing the food
              >Her front hoof goes forward
              YouActivatedMyTrapCard.jpg
              >Snaps her up quick as fuck
              >The yell she did was ear splitting
              >In an instant I was on her with more rope
              >Like a pedophile in a game of tag
              >Tackled her to the ground and got my arms around her back legs somehow while on her back
              >Holy fuck she was kicking
              >Tied it around both calfs
              >Not as easy as it sounds
              >Like holy fuck
              >Nailed me in the side of the head
              >Would've actually hurt had my body weight not been restraining her
              >But anyway
              >Tied her legs up
              >Second time was much easier
              >Backed up for a second
              >Sat in disbelief
              >Holy fuck
              >I did it
              >But then /b/
              >Then i made a horrible mistake
              3/?
              >Happy as absolute fuck I put my hand on the deer's back
              >Trying to calm it down
              >When I saw it was a doe, I first thought
              Fuck. I"m not gonna get any horns.
              >Decided if it high the snare I'd see if I could take it down and see if it was possible to hunt barehanded
              >Then probably just let it go and set up shop a ways away
              >Now I was about to let it go but I noticed something
              >Her fur felt soft and amazing
              >My heart was fucking racing from the wrestle
              >I also felt very hot
              InstantBoner.jpg
              >I looked at the deer as saw it had stopped struggling for the most part
              >I didn't even think
              >lightly guided it to a skinny, but sturdy looking tree right there
              >With more rope I tied her back, right leg to it
              >Tied rope around a tree to the left and her back, left leg
              >Pulled out my knife and cut the two rope holding together her legs
              >Quickly, but softly I fastened the rope on the left
              >She was all fucking redy
              >Couldn't move
              >Legs open
              >Inviting
              >Wet
              >I ripped of my clothes faster than superman can change in a phone both
              >Took a big, wet spit onto my
              >Diamond
              >Twitching
              >Barely contained dick
              >Like you don't even know
              >I was harder than Graphene
              >My dick was lubbed up and ready to to go
              >I swear it just went it
              >Like the sweet mix of pleasure and fear on your first water slide ride
              >The deer shivered and did a sort of moan
              >It just made me even harder
              >I get the deer twitch and grip on m y dick with every fucking thrust
              >I hit that shit like a fucking E. Honda Hyakuretsu Harite
              >I beat that shit up man
              >And the deer was loving it
              >More than once she would seize up around my dick and spasm like hell
              >Holy shit
              >Like Jacuzzi jets on all my dick
              >Before long, I had came inside with the force of a thousand suns
              (Post the file)
              >I don't know who came harder or who was panting harder
              >Me or the deer
              >Just then I discovered Satan was real
              >I had a thought that proclaimed
              She has two other holes.
              4/?
              >Using another sick I found I made a makeshift bit out of the last of my rope
              Relax PETA. She was bitting it with her back teeth. It wasn't hurting her like an actual bit.
              >Threw my already hard again dick down her mouth and felt her lounge run all across it
              >Even very gentle nibbles
              >She would had bit my dick off had the rope not been there
              >Holy fuck the feeling was eternal
              >Came faster the second time just as hard
              One last hole
              >Took the condom I had in my wallet out
              Who wants deer shit on there dick?
              >Plus it was heavily lubed
              >Went in with a bit of effort
              >Like a fucking asshole
              >Magnificent
              >Came after about 30min
              >Not much cum
              >Now my balls kinda hurt
              >The deer was in a state of pleasured euphoria
              >Deiced to cut it down
              >Just played there on the ground
              >Breathing heavily
              >But very calmly
              >Cum just dripping from her pussy
              One
              More
              Time
              Daft Punk
              >Laid down on the ground and made love just like this
              >For and hour
              >Just making sweet love
              >Took about 4hours to just lay there and cuddle the deer
              >Afterwards we fucked again
              >And I sear on everything holy
              >Her legs held me in and she pumped with me
              >Cam harder than I ever had in  my entire life
              >She came right with me
              >Before long the sun had set
              >I dressed and looked upon my lover
              >She was just sitting there
              >Watching me as I left
              >I didn't look back
              TL;DR
              I went out to hunt, and instead fucked and defiled a deer in every way imaginable. Gaining a love and longing for her that last to this day. Mix that with the guilt of knowing I fucked a deer and I an a shell of a man.
              
              Goodnight /b/.
              Arhived image of the original thread on 4chan