The ‘Neoliberal Police Department’ story is a parody of the original ‘L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department‘. It was originally written by u/methedunker as a comment on Reddit’s Neoliberal sub.
I was eating crushed Ugandan crickets and reading “Progress and Poverty” in the subterranean police precinct when a call came in. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to promote detached housing again?”
“Worse. Somebody just lobbied for a continuation of the Jones Act.”
The jerk chicken spiced cricket taco practically fell out of my mouth. “What kind of monster would do something like that? The Jones Act is inherently protectionist and has multiple negative economic externalities to further the interests of a few..”
“I agree but mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down…provided we are able to sufficiently work with legislators across the aisle to do so”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any across the bench communication is, by definition, working across the aisle.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got. Now you get out there and find that lobbyist.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I waited for the Buttigieg Red Line streetcar to arrive. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, affectionately smothered on all sides by multi-family homes. I nodded solemnly to the former global poor playing street soccer, a YIMBY game, and went inside.
I flashed my badge and my gun and a small picture of John Delaney. “Nobody move!” The crowd didn’t, as they voted to refund me and enjoyed the presence of LEOs in their midst.
“Now, which one of you decent citizens is going to work with me, Jared Polis, to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that placing undue economic burdens through ridiculous tariffs on local businesses actually hurts the economy and is protectionist in nature?”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that rent-seeking ship building lobbyists will cause the ruination of the free market American economy.
I figured I could wait them out. I consumed several Mongolian BBQ samosas indoors. A vegan lady smirked, and I told her that being emotionally compelled to give up meat consumption is an artificial distortion that is unacceptable in a free market. Just then, a man in Bernie glasses made a break for it.
“Stop! Let’s talk over this like equal market participants!” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to kick occupationally licensed realtors lawn signboards as I see them.
Just as I was losing him, he turned. In his hand was a Bad Faith Podcast branded knife that the markets are able to sell…somehow. He threw one at me and missed, instead hitting a late model F150. I pulled my own gun, but before I could fire I noticed the truck belonged to an area corn farmer receiving federal agricultural subsidies. I shot the truck twice.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his dirtbag left bag. “I give up, cop! I confess: I lobbied to preserve the Jones Act.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Sanna Marin branded NATO non-lethal restraints on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the ability of Glenn Greenwald to soapbox on Twitter.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a Glenn Greenwaldist killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your protectionist tariff-loving succs,” I said. “No matter how many unsound lobbies you dabble in, you’ll never accelerate away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom. You will be arraigned at the Bernanke Judicial District Court.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right, as I waited for local public transit to pick us up.
