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AITA

Am I The Asshole (AITA) is a sub on reddit that created numerous satirical and downright absurd content that became its own copypastas.


“Girlfriend baked all the beans”

    “My (25M) girlfriend 26F baked all the beans, now I consider to end our relations? What do I do?

Hello,

My girlfriend and me have done dating for 5 month. I thought "This girl is very good," and became of love with her.

Yet even so, on this Monday, I comed home and found she as baked all my beans.

Yes, all. Oh brother.

In my cupboard I store several bag of bean, to make soft and to bake on some days, to have a bit of baked bean on my dinner. Or, heck, a lunch too some days.

But on the Monday I find this girlfriend baked all the beans. I say "Why do you bake my beans", and she say something as "I bakes them good to save time, so I bakes them all now."

I am astonished and full of dissmay. I say "I canfr not eat all the beans", she say she is froze many of the beans so as we can unfrozen the on a later day and eat some at a time.

But, if a bean is froze and unfrozed, the very good and very nice flavor of bean is gone far.

A bean is best if baked fresh as a Sunday Pie. Not to be froze and unfroze!

I told my girfriend I am so sad of this, as to my opinion the baking of the beans and to freeze them has ruin all my beans. She say I am "gone haywire" by my enragement and sad manners.

But I hates what she did to my beans.

On the days before Monday I thought "Will we marry the girlfriend? Well it might be so."

But now I am so sad she baked them beans. I am consider to end our relations and not be the boyfriend and girlfriend any more. But, is my idea wrong? Could my girlfriend make promise to not bake the beans? I do not know what doing to do and how to feel forgiving on her.”

    AITA for throwing my sister in front of a train?

      Little bit of back story: My sister just bought me a apple watch, it wasn't the newest so I was super pissed. Like what the hell? Who buys an apple product and not the newest? But anyway I was annoyed all day. It was my birthday and my dad bought me a new Ipad which was nice altough only the 128 GB version and I asked for the 256 GB.

So to the point. I was at the train station with my sister and my dad. And I put the Apple watch my sister gave me on craigslist for free to pick up. (Who's gonna use that trash LMAO) So my sister saw me do that. She got angry at me like what the hell? So as the train came up to the platform I pushed her in front of it.

I am now faced with charge of murder, like wtf she got what she deserved. I am now posting this from her funeral laughing my ass off.

Was I the asshole? I don't think I did wrong neither do my friends and 4 million instagram followers. This is just a waste of time smh...

      AITA for asking my parents to read a piece I wrote, not warning them that it involves very sexual graphic depictions of cunnilingus?

        There’s two things you need to know about me: I’m a 24 year old man and I love eating pussy. Seriously it’s my favorite thing and unlike most males, I don’t have much interest in blowjobs or even sex. I’m also a writer and I realized I should stop trying to write the next great American novel and just write what I know....

So I wrote a nonfiction (but...flowery, I’d say) piece about eating pussy. It’s not porn, it’s like modern day Anais Nin type intellectual sexual content. It’s also very feminist because there are men out there (nay, boys) who still have childish hang ups about French kissing a woman’s delicate rose. Apologies for all my various euphemisms. Like I said I’m a writer.

My parents aren’t even conservative but they got really uncomfortable after I had them read my piece. My mom said it was a bit too much for her. I asked her which part, and she said all of it but specifically pointed to a line (copy paste): “I slither my tongue through her sumptuous flaps, lapping up her golden honey with fervor as I feel her stiffening turtles head poking into my nostril.” She and my dad have always been supportive of my writing but they said this was “private” and they’d rather not read any more stuff about my sex life.

I have to admit I’M a little offended because this is my art and I also believe this is the piece that might actually be something. My dad draws in his free time and this includes nude portraits of people we don’t even know....so how is that ok but my writing isn’t?

Alas. The perils of being in a family of creatives lol. Anyway who’s in the wrong?

        AITA (am I the asshole) for literally being a perfect person?

          English is my fourth language and I'm writing this on my phone with a throwaway account using only my toes while reading Kierkegaard so please forgive me for any grammar mistakes. :)

So, a little backstory. I'm a 24-year-old female, 5'10, white (thank God), skinny with DD breasts and an ass that barely fits in skinny jeans. People often say that I'm the most stunningly gorgeous person they've ever met and I should consider modeling but I dunno lol. I'm childfree, an atheist, a meat lover, and strictly heterosexual.

Anyway, both my parents died in a Muslim terrorist attack when I was 12 along with all my aunts, uncles, and grandparents so I took it upon myself to raise all twenty of my siblings and cousins singlehandedly, working four full-time jobs while going to school, leading eight clubs, captaining the varsity volleyball, water polo, and basketball teams, and volunteering at a hospital all while maintaining a healthy social life. I'm currently working on my fifth Ph.D. in between running my successful non-profit to end global poverty, writing my eleventh novel, starring in the final Tarantino film, streaming Minecraft, protesting in Hong Kong, and phone banking for Bernie Sanders.

So I was at the hardware store picking out a chandelier to put in the house I'm building for the homeless when this fat, smelly, repulsive, gay, transgender "woman" walks up to me and shrieks, "you're oppressing me by being thin! Eat a fucking vegan burger you skinny slut!" I hit her with the "okay boomer," and she responded, "that's literally as offensive as calling me a n*gger!" Then she threw her slimy crotch goblin at me and screamed, "get her, Jayden! Infect her with your polio that you got because I refuse to vaccinate you!" I didn't wanna be a Karen and call the manager over to settle this so I took it upon myself to personally vaccinate her child right on the spot and saved his life. The "woman" then tried to convert me to Christianity so I kicked her in the balls and dragged her out of the store. Everyone clapped, the manager gave me $1,000 (which I donated to TeamTrees), and Obama reached out to thank me for my bravery.

So reddit. Fellow redditors. People of reddit. Denizens of reddit.com. Wise sages of the internet. Tell me the truth. Am I the asshole?

Edit: Wow, this got a lot more attention than I thought it would! Since a lot of people are asking, yes, I am a Navy SEAL and no, I have never pooped in my entire life. I was a quadriplegic after this incident but I overcame the paralysis very quickly because I'm not a little bitch. Also, because it seems to be relevant, here are the details of my sex life: I get plowed three to four times a day by my perfect lover, I'm into every kink imaginable, I have no gag reflex, and my tubes are tied so no worries there. Apparently sex with me cures all diseases and causes a bigger dopamine hit than heroin, but I dunno.

          I’m seeing some major red flags in your story

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