I am the Lorax I speak for the trees
And I’m going to be honest with you, the trees been spreading lies. There’s this one tree, Tony, who’s a maple tree, who’s... now hold on, I DONT hate maple trees. I was just pointing out the fact that he was a maple tree, I only hate THIS one. Not ALL maple trees are bad. I love maple trees, in fact their my favorite tree. I have many friends who are maple trees. Anyway, this one maple tree, was telling me that he was sick of all the pollution, and that it was affecting him. And I said to him, I said, ‘well tony, you know what the problem is? It’s all these geese coming in from the south. Their taking our jobs, Tony.’ And Tony, he didn’t believe me. Tony told me that wasn’t the issue at all. Now let me tell you something folks, Tony is fake news. He gets his news from a peacock, and I tell him, ‘that peacock is corrupt and spreading lies. If you want real news you talk to a fox.’ I tell him. Anyway, the moral of the story is folks, is that these “geese” are migrating from the south. These geese, do you know what their doing to this country? I’ll tell you. Their running it into the ground. If you vote for me for ruler of the forest again, we will MAKE THE FOREST GREAT AGAIN. Thank you.
Using an alt account because of people trace this back to me my reelection chances might get hurt.
I (74M) am finishing up my first term as President of the United States of America. Let me tell you, America is an incredible country, probably one of the best countries in the whole nation. As my reelection comes closer and closer, my opponent Sleepy Joe has been leading in approval ratings, and I began to get worried. Let me tell you, I am the best at being worried. Just ask anybody in my administration, I get worried like no other president. Anyways, I was considering putting Sleepy Joe to sleep for good, which I think is a service not only to his family, but also the nation as a whole. I was going to ask my good pal Putin to borrow some of that poison he’s using to silence the libtards in his country. So Reddit, am I the asshole?
EDIT: I’m not Donald Trump.
EDIT 2: Stop saying I’m Donald Trump.
EDIT 3: Bitches I got the nuclear launch codes keep testing me and you can say bye bye to the Caribbean’s.
EDIT 4: Adios Bahamas.
REAL EDIT (Ignore if not the FBI): For legal reasons, this is all revolving a Minecraft server with my friends, not the current political events surrounding the United States. No public officials are being threatened here, just my friends virtual avatar. Don’t worry FBI, we’re all good.
Yeah not true. Trump has a massive cock. I know this because.... I mean just look at how he’s always leaning forward. My president is packing so much heat he almost loses his balance sometimes. He probably tucks it up his shirt and tapes his massive fucking cum-filled balls back up his anal cavity. He’s so thick. I bet he uses all that grease to slide his ticking-time-bomb balls in and out of him and giving himself several anal orgasms in the process. No wonder every woman in government complains about him. They want his massive fucking member and they know they can’t get it because he only gives it to melania. He probably uses cushions and such to hide the massive bulge as well but sometimes I swear I can see his chest wet from all the pre cum he probably pumps out from all that friction.
"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, '10101000101', on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you." Reporter 1: "But what actually is 2+2?" Trump: "Siddown. No, siddown. I've already answered your question. Haven't I already answered your question. This is what we get from news reporters, folks. Give me a nice question. Yes - you." Reporter 2: "Is your name Donald Trump?" Trump: "Now that's a nice question, folks. That's what I want."
I saw Donald Trump at a grocery store in D.C yesterday.
I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
After paying for the Milky Ways he proceeded to leave the store and throw all of them in the garbage. Haven't seen him since.
How exactly does one get pussy while living at the white house as a teenage boy? The secret service always cock blocking you. when you're trying to run game on some foreign prime ministers daughter the news media catches you smiling at her and immediately blows shit out if proportion speculating that you are somehow breaking international law with your awkward teenage flirting, so you have to testify before congress that you didn't give away any top secret documents to her and are made to admit live on C-SPAN that you've never even kissed a girl . Then you get blue balls from some hot conservative girl winking at you and flashing her panties under her skirt and making sexy faces and blow job motions to you while you were going through some airport or public event, and when you passed by and shook her hand she leans in whispering she is going to diddle her clit thinking about you tonight and how much she wants to suck your dick off, just to fuck with you. Then you try to look up some porn when you get home just to relieve the tension but you just know the CIA is monitoring and 3 other govornment agencies are watching you beat off. Then you finally break down and Jack off in the shower which sets off some fucking biohazard drain alarm and the entire place is on lock down until they can find the source of the specimen and you end up getting debriefed by the joint chiefs of staff about your masturbatory habits and how you almost created a national security issue with your dick. Then wikileaks leaks your search history showing you looked up penis enlargement techniques when it was actually just some click bait you'd accidentally clicked and TYT spends all next week talking about your supposed micro penis. So you end up squirming a little since you are so wound up and being judged constantly and now people are saying you look like a fucking mental patient and you start to think you'll never get any pussy.
