Lightning McQueen

Our Lord and Savior Lightning McQueen

Hello, ma'am do you have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Lightning McQueen?! Did you know that Lightning McQueen is the star of several feature films such as Cars, Cars 2, Cars 3, Planes: Fire and Rescue, Finding Dory, Toy Story 3, Coco and Ralph breaks the internet? As well as other short film such as Master and the Ghostlight, Miss Fritter's Racing Skoool, Television program such as Cars Toons, Pixar's Popcorn Cars series voiced by none other than Owen Wilson?

He also appears in video games such as Cars: The Video Game, Cars: Radiator Springs Adventures, (not) Kingdom Hearts.

Can I interest you in nicknames such as Stinky? He won the Piston Cup.

I fuck girls in my Lightning McQueen bed

It was the early hours of a Sunday morning after I had been out to a bar with the lads. Our original plan was to just get bevved, but one thing led to another and I ended up taking some lass home.

I walked through the front door with the girl and looked into the kitchen. I saw a plate left on the table with tin foil covering it.

“Oh, did you make some food to eat when you got home?” the girl asked.

“No, I didn’t. I think mummy must have left this for me,” I replied.

I walked over and lifted the tin foil. It was a plate of turkey dinosaurs and potato smiles ready to be reheated. Nice.

I took the girl upstairs towards my room.

“Now stay quiet, daddy has enough trouble sleeping with mummy’s CPAP machine going all night. She has really bad sleep apnea," I warned. The girl nodded and quickly tiptoed with me past their bedroom door.

When we got into my dark room, the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling were the first to draw the eye. I always thought space was cool and I’d hope any girl worth my time would think the same. I then turned the light on so she didn’t trip over my Power Rangers figures I had been playing with before I left. I saw here staring at my PC below my Danny Phantom poster.

“Yeah, I’ve got a 3080 in there, but the whole thing is a custom build so I could fit the components into the Hot Wheels case. It’s the same setup that I had as a kid and I’m not ready to let go just yet.” She remained quiet but I assume she was impressed.

I pushed her down onto my Lightning McQueen bed and tore off her clothes. I threw her pants behind me and they landed on my Dragon Ball figurine shelf. I took my trousers off but quickly emptied the pockets so I didn’t leave a used tissue in them and ruin another wash. Mummy really needs to start checking herself before she puts them in the machine. We started to plow but it was difficult to thrust back without hitting my feet into the back of McQueen’s face. I persisted though. I was riding a girl like my favourite race car.

I could tell she was about to cum so I increased my speed. You’ve always got to be fastest at the finish line. Her eyes rolled back and at the point of climax I uttered one word.

“Kachow.”

I rolled off her onto the floor as there wasn’t enough room on the bed to fit two people. I lifted my head up to face her.

“You’ve just had the Lightning experience. Only special girls get that, so feel proud.”

I then got up and played Double Dash until she decided to leave.

Lightning McQueen is a statutory rapist

The age of consent for cars is "As soon as they come off the lot".

Epic Film Fact: Lightning McQueen, star of the 2006 blockbuster film "Cars" is a statutory rapist. In the film Lightning meets and falls in love with a car named Sally Carrera, a 2002 Porsche 911. This makes Sally only 4 years old during the film (which takes place in 2006). Lightning on the other hand is a stock car and while his age isn't expressly given, we know that an average stock car can race for 20 to 30 years. Because lightning is the best we can assume that he is 30 years old at the end of "Cars 3", which takes place in 2017, 11 years after "Cars". This would make Lightning 19 years old when he meets Sally. As the majority of the films take place in the United States, which has the age of consent set at 17 years old, every time Lightning sticks his engine shaft in Sally's exhaust pipe he is committing statutory rape.

Broken legal system of the Cars universe

Lighting may have a serious lawsuit on his hands.

Can we talk about the broken legal system of the Cars universe? In the film, Lightning McQueen is speeding down route 66 when a cop car starts chasing him. Just as he's about to pull over, the cop car starts blowing gaskets. Lightning assumes this is gunfire and freaks out, resulting in him accidentally destroying the town. Lighting was under the impression that he was being fired upon unprovoked, giving him a valid legal argument for his reckless driving. The next day, Mater is assigned to defend him in trial, despite Lightning making it clear that he has his own attorney. He isn't even given a phone call, or a chance to pay bail, the trial takes place the very next day. Of course Mater blows the trial because he's a dumbass, leaving Lightning stranded in this town before the biggest race of his life. Hell, they wouldn't even let him make contact with the outside world, leading to everybody thinking he's missing. Lighting may have a serious lawsuit on his hands.

Lightning McQueen

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