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I learned to stop worrying about Aphelios by just playing Mundo

    By u/Tortious_Tortoise, its satire on how the average Mundo mains mind works in LoL.

    I learned to stop worrying about Aphelios by just playing Mundo

I'm a simple man with simple pleasures. After a long day on the ranch, I pour myself a tall glass of milk, huff some paint, and log on to the Dell I got for Christmas in 2006 with Windows XP to play some League of Legends.

The client needs to patch. That's fine. I reheat a bowl of beans and lard for supper, and it's already at 13% by the time I get back, well ahead of schedule. I huff some more paint to pass the time, and oh boy does it pass. The client is ready to go by 7:30. Everybody keeps saying it's laggy, but I don't notice any difference from usual. Maybe I'm just too intelligent, or maybe the paint is finally doing its job.

I queue up solo - normal blind pick of course. The queue pops, and Clippy asks me if I want help selecting my champion. Not now not ever, I think boastfully at the cartoon paper clip. I lock in Dr. Munro. My teammates pick Shaco and all the others pick hot anime girls. I take one last good long huff to get ready for the game, and in we go.

The first thing I notice is that their team doesn't have a dt Munford. Free win then. I go top lane. I always go top lane. They have a Aatrod. Pathetic. I hit the minions. I miss some crepes bc I have 450 ping. Aatrox tries ro hit me but I heal up bc I'm drMindoro.

Midgame I have sunfire and I tp botlane to gank. They have thst new champ Aphelios shootijg weird bubble guns at me. There's a tirret or sometbjng? Idk anuway I kill him by running at his face pressing e amd right clicking him to death. I miss all three cleavers I throw. It doesn't matter.

20 min latr a D really stsrting to feel the paint. I have sjnfire warmogd spirit vosage and tp to baroj for teamfigyt. Aphekios knows he's dead as soon as tp channle starts. He tries to get away by rooting me or sokething? Idk anyway I press ult and run him down. I forgot ti buy boots. It doesnt matter. I get four kills by pressijg e and right ckickijg with my w on. Thst bitch Lux stole my penta.

Game ocer. Another win for Dr mubdo. So in concolustn, hello fellow summoner. This you should just play mondarb against aphelios. He kill gun guy good. Thank you. Thank you. If you kill gun man, anime grliss hot. they'll be lower son. The Dr mildew play is right thing to do. So doooooo

    i duo queue with my ex every couple months. we don’t talk about it. it just happens.

      i duo queue with my ex every couple months

we don't talk about it. it just happens.

2am. both online. she sends the invite. or i do. neither of us acknowledges who sent it first.

the discord call is 90% silence. no "how have you been." no "seeing anyone?" just pings and callouts.

"flash down."
"jungler bot."
"nice."

that's the whole conversation.

here's the thing though.

our 2v2 is still nasty.

she knows when i'm going in before i ping it. 

i know her cooldowns better than the last 6 supports i've played with. 

we don't communicate because we don't need to. 

400 games of muscle memory doesn't give a fuck about relationship status.

we'll go 7-2 together. maybe 8-1 on a good night.

then it's "gg" and we're offline for another 2 months.

no follow up. no "we should do this more often." nothing.

because we both know what this is.

it's not friendship. 

it's not rekindling. 

it's not even nostalgia.

it's that neither of us has found better synergy.

and that's the uncomfortable truth about duo queue.

you can break up with someone and still be stuck with them competitively. 

you can hate someone's guts and still combo perfectly in a teamfight. 

you can move on emotionally and still be hardstuck trying to replace what you had in game.

some people have exes they still fuck.

i have an ex i still duo with.

honestly not sure which is worse.

study the saskio way

      Arteezy Riki backstab

        The original version came from Dota2 specifically during Arteezy’s run with Team Secret and the drama associated with him backstabbing EG. It has been adopted to other variation most notably LoL Shaco’s version.

        Dota2

        ＨＥＹ　ＲＴＺ，　Ｉ’Ｍ　ＴＲＹＩＮＧ　ＴＯ　ＬＥＡＲＮ　ＴＯ　ＰＬＡＹ　ＲＩＫＩ．　Ｉ　ＪＵＳＴ　ＨＡＶＥ　Ａ　ＱＵＥＳＴＩＯＮ　ＡＢＯＵＴ　ＴＨＥ　ＳＫＩＬＬ　ＢＵＩＬＤ：　ＳＨＯＵＬＤ　Ｉ　ＭＡＸ　ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢ　ＬＩＫＥ　ＹＯＵ　ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢＢＥＤ　ＥＧ，　ＳＭＯＫＥＳＣＲＥＥＮ　ＳＯ　ＴＨＥＹ　ＭＩＳＳ　ＭＥ　ＬＩＫＥ　ＥＧ　ＭＩＳＳ　ＹＯＵ　７０％　ＯＦ　ＴＨＥ　ＴＩＭＥ，　ＯＲ　ＰＥＲＭＡＮＥＴ　ＩＮＶＩＳＩＢＩＬＩＴＹ　ＳＯ　Ｉ　ＣＯＵＬＤ　ＤＩＳＡＰＰＥＡＲ　ＬＩＫＥ　ＹＯＵ　ＤＩＳＡＰＰＥＡＲＥＤ　ＦＲＯＭ　ＥＧ 
        ＨＥＹ　ＲＴＺ，　Ｉ’Ｍ　ＴＲＹＩＮＧ　ＴＯ　ＬＥＡＲＮ　ＴＯ　ＰＬＡＹ　ＲＩＫＩ．　Ｉ　ＪＵＳＴ　ＨＡＶＥ　Ａ　ＱＵＥＳＴＩＯＮ　ＡＢＯＵＴ　ＴＨＥ　ＳＫＩＬＬ　ＢＵＩＬＤ：　ＳＨＯＵＬＤ　Ｉ　ＭＡＸ　ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢ　ＬＩＫＥ　ＹＯＵ　ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢＢＥＤ　ＥＧ，　ＳＭＯＫＥＳＣＲＥＥＮ　ＳＯ　ＴＨＥＲＥ＇Ｓ    ３２５  ＡＯＥ  ＤＲＡＭＡ  ＡＲＯＵＮＤ  ＹＯＵ，　ＯＲ  ＢＬＩＮＫ  ＳＴＲＩＫＥ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＴＨＥ  ＷＡＹ  ＹＯＵ  ＢＬＩＮＫＥＤ  ＢＡＣＫ  ＴＯ  ＥＧ  ＡＦＴＥＲ  ＴＨＥＹ  ＨＡＤ  ＷＯＮ  ＴＩ

        LoL

        ＨＥＹ ＤＯＵＢＬＥＬＩＦＴ， Ｉ’Ｍ ＴＲＹＩＮＧ ＴＯ ＬＥＡＲＮ ＴＯ ＰＬＡＹ ＳＨＡＣＯ． Ｉ ＪＵＳＴ ＨＡＶＥ Ａ ＱＵＥＳＴＩＯＮ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＨＥ ＳＫＩＬＬ ＢＵＩＬＤ： ＳＨＯＵＬＤ Ｉ ＭＡＸ ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢ ＬＩＫＥ ＹＯＵ ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢＢＥＤ ＣＬＧ， ＤＥＣＥＩＶＥ ＬＩＫＥ ＹＯＵ ＤＥＣＥＩＶＥＤ ＣＬＧ， ＯＲ ＨＡＬＬＵＣＩＮＡＴＥ ＬＩＫＥ ＹＯＵ ＭＡＤＥ ＣＬＧ ＨＡＬＬＵＣＩＮＡＴＥ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＨＡＶＩＮＧ Ａ ＣＨＡＮＣＥ ＡＴ ＷＩＮＮＩＮＧ ＡＮＯＴＨＥＲ ＴＯＵＲＮＡＭＥＮＴ
        ＨＥＹ ＩＭＡＱＴＰＩＥ， Ｉ’Ｍ ＴＲＹＩＮＧ ＴＯ ＬＥＡＲＮ ＴＯ ＰＬＡＹ ＳＨＡＣＯ． Ｉ ＪＵＳＴ ＨＡＶＥ Ａ ＱＵＥＳＴＩＯＮ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＨＥ ＳＫＩＬＬ ＢＵＩＬＤ： ＳＨＯＵＬＤ Ｉ ＭＡＸ ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢ ＬＩＫＥ ＹＯＵ ＢＡＣＫＳＴＡＢＢＥＤ ＤＩＧ， ＤＥＣＥＩＶＥ ＬＩＫＥ ＹＯＵ ＤＥＣＥＩＶＥＤ ＤＩＧ， ＯＲ ＨＡＬＬＵＣＩＮＡＴＥ ＬＩＫＥ ＹＯＵ ＭＡＤＥ ＤＩＧ ＨＡＬＬＵＣＩＮＡＴＥ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＨＡＶＩＮＧ Ａ ＣＨＡＮＣＥ ＡＴ ＷＩＮＮＩＮＧ Ａ ＴＯＵＲＮＡＭＥＮＴ

        Valorant

        Comment
        byu/ValorantCompBot from discussion
        inValorantCompetitive
        Hey valyn, I'm trying to learn to play Yoru. I just have a question about the buy, should I buy Fakeout like you faked JonahP out of the G2 roster, Blindside like you blindsided JonahP when you dropped him, or buy a ghost like you ghosted JonahP

        I’m sick of Faker. I try to support Chovy. Faker wins worlds.

          Its the Xiangling copypasta from Genshin Impact but changed to Faker a professional LoL player for T1.

          I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of Faker. I try to support Chovy. Faker wins worlds. I try to support Shanks. Faker wins worlds. I try to support BDD. Faker wins worlds. I want to support Poby. His best team has Faker. I want to support Guma, Keria. They both want Faker.

He grabs me by the throat. I root for him. I cheee for him. I give him the stream donation. He isn't satisfied. I buy his HOL skin. "I don't need this many skins" He tells me. "Give me more Worlds tournaments." He grabs Oner and forces him to play Mundo first time in a Game 5. "I think we have to pick Mundo, there are no hard counters for it."

I can't buy their Worlds Skins, I don't have enough Riot Points. He grabs my credit card. It declines. "Guess this is the end." He picks Azir. He says "Azir! Get them." There is no hint of sadness in his eyes. Nothing but pure, shurima shuffle. What a cruel world.

          I’m the guy you don’t want on your team

            I’m the guy you don’t want on your team
            byu/alexandergutt inleagueoflegends
             I'm the guy you don't want on your team 

I'm a normal guy. I work a corporate job in a profession that requires qualifications. I perform well there. I have a university degree. I have a few friends, two cats, and a girlfriend. Planning to have kids. I get along with people. People describe me as calm, collected, and very intelligent.

This game, however, brings out something from deep within me. This thing is not human. This entity is toxic, it's self-destructive, it's defiant. I become an absolute garbage goblin monkey when I play this game. I go on 10-game winning streaks, I go 30/5. And similar losing streaks going 2/19. But it doesn't matter if I win or lose. Somehow, I think I play for the rage. And win or lose, I rage all the same.

I used to play this game normally. Played ranked and got to gold with a 60-70% winrate the first season I played. At some point I lost a few games in a row, and something clicked within me. This was in season 6.

I am permanently tilted. I cannot bring myself to care about winning or actually try, yet I go absolutely berserk if I lose a trade, miss a last hit, or die in lane. I lost a trade? You better believe I'm going to all-in and die. I miss a last hit because the minion suddenly has a mind of its own and runs away from me while it dies? I'm probably going to flash and ult in place.

I sometimes wake up from a sort of gaming-induced haze, simultaneously realising and wondering what the hell I am doing as I cackle to myself atop my anti-haemorrhoid pillow while typing "wait for late", "play safe" to my teammates after dying three times in five minutes on Master Yi top. I'm a grown man. A sort of inside joke, but I am the only one in the know. I have responsibilities. They don't know I'm parodying a certain archetype that exists in this game's player base. I have work tomorrow. Because, of course, they can't distinguish me from someone truly of that archetype. I could be doing something productive. And I ask myself: Am I actually pretending?

I can't keep myself from attempting things that I know will with 90% certainty have a negative outcome. I can't bring myself to care enough to play patiently and just not do it. Yet when it goes wrong, I turn into a despicable, raging, basement-dwelling troll.

I can't let the game win. I can't let the sanctimonious normies who tell me to take a break to avoid tilting win. I queue up again, I ban None. I take ignite. And the day is ruined.