Inventor of aggravated assault

i am your ideal woman: 6'8, 250 lbs of pure muscle. ONLY eat beef, will bear a child sure to lead nations (will be roughly the size of a viking), cannot read and DO NOT want to learn. i own 19 dirt bikes and they all have flames on the side. inventor of what is commonly known as aggravated assault. looking for a VERY compact man to ride on my shoulders so i look cool.