fnaf copypasta

"Hello? Hello, hello? Uhh, I wanted to record a message for you... to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I actually worked in that office before you. I’m... finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact, so... I know it can be a bit overwhelming, but I’m here to tell you: there’s nothing to worry about. Uh, you’ll do fine! So... let’s just focus on getting you through your first week. Okay?

Uh, let’s see. First, there’s an introductory greeting from the company that I’m supposed to read. Eh, it’s kind of a legal thing, you know. Um, 'Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza: a magical place for kids and grown-ups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life. Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovery of damage or if death has occurred, a missing person’s report will be filed within ninety days or as soon as property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached and the carpets have been replaced.' Blah, blah, blah...

Now that might sound bad, I know. But there’s really nothing to worry about.

Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No! If I were forced to sing... those same stupid songs for twenty years, and I never got a bath? I’d probably be a bit irritable at night too. So remember: these characters hold a special place in the hearts of children, and you need to show them a little respect. Right? Okay.

So just be aware: the characters do tend to wander a bit. Uhh, they’re left in some kind of "free-roaming mode" at night. Uhh... something about their servos locking up if they get turned off for too long. Uhh... they used to be allowed to walk around during the day, too, but then there was the Bite of '87. Yeah... I-It’s amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know?

Now concerning your safety: the only real risk to you as a night watchman here, if any, is the fact that these characters, uhh, if they happen to see you after hours, probably won’t recognize you as a person. Th-They’ll most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton without its costume on. Now, since that’s against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, they’ll probably try to... forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit. Um, now that wouldn’t be so bad if the suits themselves weren’t filled with crossbeams, wires, and animatronic devices, especially around the facial area. So you can imagine how having your head forcefully pressed inside one of those could cause a bit of discomfort... and death. Uh, the only parts of you that would likely see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth when they pop out the front of the mask, heh. ...Y-Yeah, they don’t tell you these things when you sign up...

But hey! First day should be a breeze; I’ll chat with you tomorrow. Uhh, check those cameras, and remember to close the doors only if absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power.

Alright. Goodnight." 

"Uh, hello? Hello! Uhh... Well, if you're hearing this, and you made it to day two, uhh, congrats!

I-I won't talk quite as long this time since Freddy and his friends tend to become more active as the week progresses. Uhh... it might be a good idea to peek at those cameras while I talk; just to make sure everyone's in their proper place, ya know?

Uh, interestingly enough, Freddy himself doesn't come off stage very often. I've heard he becomes a lot more active in the dark, though, so hey, I guess that's one more reason not to run out of power, right? Heh...

I also want to emphasize the importance of using your door lights. Uhh, there are blind spots in your camera view, and those blind spots happen to be right outside your doors. So i-if you can't find something... or someone... on your cameras, uhh, be sure to check the door lights. Uhh, you might have only a few seconds to react, uh... Not that you would be in any danger, of course, I-I'm not implying that.

Uh, also, check on the curtain in Pirate Cove from time to time. The character in there seems unique in that he becomes more active if the cameras remain off for long periods of time. I guess he doesn't like being watched. I don't know.

A-Anyway, I'm sure you have everything under control. Uhh... talk to you soon!” 

“Hello, hello! Hey, you’re doing great! Uh, most people don’t last this long! I mean, you know, th-they usually move on to other things by now... uhh, I’m not implying that they died. Tha-that-that’s not what I meant... Uhh, anyway, I better not take up too much of your time. Uh, things will start getting real tonight.

Uh, h-hey listen, I had an idea. If you happen to get caught and want to avoid getting stuffed into a Freddy suit, uhh, try playing dead. Ya know, go limp. Uhh, then there's a chance that... maybe they’ll think you’re an empty costume instead. Then again, if they think you’re an empty costume, they might try to... stuff a metal skeleton into you. I wonder how that would work...

...Y-Yeah never mind, scratch that. I-It’s best just not to get caught.

Um, well, okay. I-I’ll leave you to it. See you on the flip side.” 

“Hello, hello! Hey! Hey wow, day four... I knew you could do it.

Uh, hey, listen... I may not be around to send you a message tomorrow (banging on a locked door can be heard throughout call). It’s, it’s been a bad night here. For me. Umm... I-I’m kinda glad that I recorded my messages for you... (clears throat) uh, when I did. Uh hey, do me a favor: maybe sometime, uh, you could check inside those suits? Uh, in the back room? Uh, I've been trying to hold out... until someone... checks. Maybe it won’t be so bad. I-I-I-I always wondered what was in all those empty heads... back there-- (Freddy’s music plays as if power has gone out) You know...

(Ragged moaning from animatronics can be heard) Oh no..." 

"It is lamentable that mass agricultural development is speeded by fuller use of your marvellous mechanisms. Would it not be easily possible to employ some of them in quick laboratory experiments to indicate the influence of various types of fertilizers on plant growth?

You are right. Countless uses will be made by future gener- Seldom knows contemporaneous- the joy of crea-" (Hangs up)