My friend has played Oblivion for 87 hours, is still level 4, refuses to fast travel, and thinks that’s completely normal
My friend played Oblivion and basically tried to 100% the game before starting the main quest.
He spent 12 real hours just in the tutorial dungeon because he wanted to test every weapon type and reach max Acrobatics by jumping everywhere before he saw sunlight.
He finally steps out into the open world, and I’m like, “So did you go to Weynon Priory yet?”
He goes: “What’s that?”
“You know, the place where you take the Amulet of Kings at the start?”
“Oh no, I’m not doing that yet. I’m still collecting Nirnroot. I need all 305.”
I ask him how far he is in the Fighters Guild and he hits me with: “Oh, I’m not starting any guild until I’ve completed every single city’s local quests and built my own alchemy lab in every player home.”
He also refuses to fast travel. Like at all. He’ll walk across Cyrodiil in real time, stopping to roleplay meals and sleep, and won’t enter any Ayleid ruins unless it’s “historically consistent” for his character’s background.
At one point, he told me he restarted the entire game because he accidentally used the wrong birthsign and it didn’t match his headcanon.
Oh, and he’s still level 4—but not because he skipped leveling. No, he’s sleeping in 1-hour increments to micro-control his attribute gains and avoid “inefficient stat growth.”
He once spent two full in-game weeks training Speechcraft with beggars just so he could “feel more confident” asking guards for directions.
I’m starting to think he’s going to actually become the Champion of Cyrodiil in real life before he finishes the damn game.
Am I wrong for losing my mind over this? Is it possible to play Oblivion… too right?
Its the Chicanery copypasta but changed to the Oblivion remaster and Todd Howard. It was first posted on the Nirnposting group on FB which is an Elder Scrolls shitpost group.
I am not crazy! I know he upped the frame rate and slapped it in Unreal Engine 5! I knew it was Oblivion spit-shined. Another one after the tenth re-release of Skyrim. As if I could ever make such a mistake. Never. Never! I just - I just couldn't prove it. He - he covered his tracks, he got that idiot Michael Kirkbride to lie for him. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? He's done worse. Todd Howard! Are you telling me that Oblivion just happens to get remastered like that? No! He orchestrated it! Howard! He ALLOWED Skyrim anniversary Edition! And I forgave him! And I shouldn't have. I took the game into my library! What was I thinking? He'll never change. He'll never change! Ever since Daggerfall, always the same! Couldn't keep his hands out of fantasy role-playing! But not our Todd! Couldn't be precious Todd! Making the same game! And he gets to be a Creative Director!? What a sick joke! I should've stopped him when I had the chance! And you - you have to stop him!
Its an infamous old copypasta about sexing the Flame Atronach from Oblivion. It originally came from an anonymous comment on a NSFW artwork of the Flame Atronach on R34 site back in 2012. The comment got reposted everywhere and eventually became a meme within the Elder Scrolls community.
The released of Oblivion Remastered has reignited its popularity.
I am going to have sex with this female Flame Atronach from Oblivion. I find the Flame Atronaches in The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion sexy. However, their body is made up of 87% fire, and 100% fire surrounds them. That could kill me if I tried to have sex with one. To remedy this, the Flame Atronach casts a spell on me making me resistant to fire. Keep in mind, resistant is not the same as immune. I still take damage. It is either 1 point or 0 points of damage each second I am having sex with her. Just because a particular second caused 0 points of damage, does not mean that I did not feel anything, it just means I took no damage. I am not going to rush through having sex with this Flame Atronach. I make sure I pleasure anything I have sex with-especially non-humans! I'd rather take damage than not pleasure the Flame Atronach. The Flame Atronach and I go to the Planes of Oblivion to have sex. When having sex with non-humans, it is ALWAYS sexier to have sex in their natural habitat rather than a human's natural habitat. The Planes of Oblivion is the Flame Atronach's natural habitat.
Original full version
Old atronach
I am going to have sex with this female Flame Atronach from Oblivion. I find the female Atronaches in The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion sexy. However, their body is made up of 87% fire, and 100% fire surrounds them. That could kill me if I tried to have sex with one. To remedy this, the Flame Atronach casts a spell on me making me resistant to fire. Keep in mind, resistant is not the same as immune. I still take damage. It is either 1 point or 0 points of damage each second I am having sex with her. Just because a particular second caused 0 points of damage, does not mean that I did not feel anything, It just means that I took no damage. I am not going to rush through having sex with this Flame Atronach, I make sure I pleasure anything I have sex with, especially non-humans! I'd rather take damage than not pleasure the Flame Atronach.The Flame Atronach and I go to the Planes of Oblivion to have sex. When having sex with non-humans, it is ALWAYS sexier to have sex in their natural habitat rather than a human's natural habitat.Before we went into the Planes of Oblivion, the Flame Atronach let all the Daedra know that we are just here for sex. The Daedra will not attack us because they know I am here at the Planes of Oblivion on sexual business. This includes the Dremora. However, the Dremora Marknyaz thinks that I am going to be an easy recruit for becoming a follower of Mehrunes Dagon considering that I am having sex with a Flame Atronach. However, I have no interest in becoming a Daedra.
New remastered atronach
I am going to have sex with this female Flame Atronach from Oblivion. I find the female Atronaches in The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion sexy. However, their body is made up of 87% fire, and 100% fire surrounds them. That could kill me if I tried to have sex with one. To remedy this, the Flame Atronach casts a spell on me making me resistant to fire. Keep in mind, resistant is not the same as immune. I still take damage. It is either 1 point or 0 points of damage each second I am having sex with her. Just because a particular second caused 0 points of damage, does not mean that I did not feel anything, It just means that I took no damage. I am not going to rush through having sex with this Flame Atronach, I make sure I pleasure anything I have sex with, especially non-humans! I'd rather take damage than not pleasure the Flame Atronach.
The Flame Atronach and I go to the Planes of Oblivion to have sex. When having sex with non-humans, it is ALWAYS sexier to have sex in their natural habitat rather than a human's natural habitat.
Before we went into the Planes of Oblivion, the Flame Atronach let all the Daedra know that we are just here for sex. The Daedra will not attack us because they know I am here at the Planes of Oblivion on sexual business. This includes the Dremora. However, the Dremora Marknyaz thinks that I am going to be an easy recruit for becoming a follower of Mehrunes Dagon considering that I am having sex with a Flame Atronach. However, I have no interest in becoming a Daedra.
Flame Atronach (Good ending)
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flame Atronach is objectively the most huggable Daedroth? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of cake, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm Mortal and Flame Cloak, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.
