Skip to content

Elden ring

CURSE YOU BAYLE!

    CUUUUUURRRRSSEEEEE YOOOOOOOOUUUUIU BAAAAAAYYLE!
    I HEREBY VOW, YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY!!! BEHOLD, A TRUE DRAKE WARRIOR!!! AND I, IGON, YOUR FEARS MADE FLESH!!! SOLID OF SCALE YOU MAY BE, FOUL DRAGON, BUT I WILL RIDDLE WITH HOLES YOUR ROTTEN HIDE!!! WITH A HAIL OF HARPOOOOONS!!! WITH EVERY LAST DROP OF MY BEING!!! 
    CURSE YOU BAYLE! 🐲 I hereby vow! šŸ’Æ You will rue this day! ā˜€ļø Behold, a true drake warrior! 🤺 And I, Igon! šŸ‘Øā€šŸ¦±
    Your fear made flesh! 🄶 Solid of scale you might be, foul dragon... šŸ’© But I will riddle with holes your rotten hide! šŸŽÆ With a hail of harpoons! šŸ¹ With every last dr
    CURSE YOU, BAYLE! I HEREBY VOW, YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY! BEHOLD, A TRUE DRAKE WARRIOR, AND I, IGON! YOUR FEARS MADE FLESH! SOLID OF SCALE YOU MIGHT BE, FOUL DRAGON, BUT I WILL RIDDLE WITH HOLES YOUR ROTTEN HIDE! WITH A HAIL OF HARPOONS, WITH EVERY LAST DROP OF MY BEING! 

    Has fromsoft gone woke?

      From a Reddit comment shitposting on the fact that Fromsoft has gone woke with the release of Shadow of the Erdtree DLC for Elden Ring.

      Let me preface this by saying that I am not, and I repeat, not bad at souls games. In fact, I've played this genre since before it was a genre. So I know how to play these games, and how much you normally struggle when playing new ones. Now, all that out if the way, i am going to come out and say it. This dlc is really, really bad.
      
      The world design is amazing, sure, and the bosses are really cool. But I have a different problem, one that you can't just learn the attack timing of.
      
      I hate the gay people in this dlc. I have always been extremely homophobic, and the souls series might have put a bit of gayness here and there, but it was never this pronounced. Has fromsoft gone woke?
      
      They try to mask it with incest, but it's not the same as brother and sister playing around (which is fine, completely normal). Brothers playing around is wrong, because it is a sin. In a familial situation, some sexual tension is natural but never towards other men. Me and my sister took baths together until we were in our late teens, but if I did that with my dad, or if I had a brother and saw him naked, that would be immoral and wrong.
      
      The fact that fromsoft is pushing this makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I need them to change it. It ruins the entire dlc and pits a bad taste in my mouth, a worse taste than that time my mom accidentally peed in my mouth. And let me tell you, that woman's piss stank something fierce. Thats how serious this is.
      
      Please, think of my religion. I dont care if you are some chinese or korean developers or something, you should nautraly, instinctively know that God wouldn't want this, Jesus wouldn't want this, and I'm sure Saint Trump wouldn't want this. šŸ™
      

      POV: Miyazaki mails you a bomb

        I'm amazed at the ingenuity of Miyazaki's design. This latest encounter design is on par with The undead burg courtyard, Father Gascoigne, and Blue Smelter Demon. [Spoilers] When you open your mailbox and see a hand delivered gift from From Software studios, the unenlightened would simply see it as a gift to their loyal fans, but clever design would point to it obviously being a trap, the subtle beeping inside of the package, and the delay trigger mechanism on the Pipe Bomb itself as you open the packaging allowing you to think quickly and throw it away before it detonates let the player react fairly to the threat which is completely lost on the average gamer.
        
        Now, game journalists have taken to calling Miyazaki "A Terrorist" and "Wanted in every Democratic Country" but as we all know these game journalists often lack even the simplest of skills required to be proficient in video games, leaving them with horrific scars from the detonation as they stared at the explosive device in their hands. Instead of learning from their mistakes and being prepared for the next grenade in their mail, they instead take to the internet and slander masterpiece design for their own failures.
        
        I can't wait to see what Miyazaki cooks up next, will he kidnap my family and hold them for ransom? Cleverly giving me the information to free them myself without needing to pay? Or will he cut my break line, knicking my oil tank and warning me that something is wrong with my car? Only time will tell but I for one, am eager, to experience what Miyazaki has in store.

        How was this game created by human beings?

          Okay, I just had to put down my controller and write down my feelings here. I just feel this game isn’t something normal human beings living in this day and age are capable of producing. It seems like a product that was developed by extraterrestrials as a first contact attempt. I don’t game much, but as a new player playing this game blind and approximately 40 hours in, I am just in complete awe of the game design from top to bottom. I don’t even know where to start or how to phrase this post, but for most people in this subreddit, you probably know what I mean. I have lost count of the times where my jaw just dropped mouthing ā€œwhat the fuhā€¦ā€ or my eyes just stared in utter amazement at my screen (this game is just pure dopamine on my 80 inch TV on PS5). The landscape designs, enemy designs, lore, NPC voices, names of items, the music, the sound, what have you. Nothing is better than the other. Everything is just top tier and there is clearly no skimping on delivering an almost ethereal experience. On top of this, the game performs incredibly well and there’s basically no loading screens unless you die and respawn. The only negative thing about this game is that I won’t be able to play another, ever, without expecting this level of quality.
          
          A game like GTA V being released, remastered and milked to the bone so many times seems like a crime. If FromSoftware did the same (even though they would never cheapen their brand like that), I’m sure none of us would complain.
          
          Anyway, back to playing I go…

          I shouted Elden Ring when I finished having sex with my gf

            So you guys know how the beginning cutscene of Elden Ring has the narrator say Elden Ring in such a weird moaning way? Well and me and my brother started saying Elden Ring in that exaggerated gasping-moaning way as a joke for whenever something incredible or really sucky happened. It became a force of habit, for memes with my brother and some other friends.
            Anyways I was with my girlfriend and we were having sex, and when I reached the climax, I instant connected the way the Elden Ring Guy said Elden Ring to the moan sounds and I kinda scream-moaned Elden Ring when I finished. She looked at me super weird (she doesn’t play video games at all) and left early. Did I mess up really bad? And if possible, how do I recover?

            I hate the Dung Eater

              Dung Eater copypasta

              Open Dung Eater rant

              I hate the Dung Eater beyond what can be considered healthy. I will go out of my way to torture him every single play through from now on
              
              Big Boggart is my homie. I would die for prawnbro and will do anything to make sure he can happily cook up crab for the rest of his days. I had killed the Dung Eater right when I found him my first play through because he was acting sketchy as fuck and I thought that if I didn’t it would be like the darkbeast in disguise from Bloodborne where he would kill and ruin a bunch of NPC quest lines. As I was starting my next game, someone told me all of it. His curse, what he does to Boggart, and what his ending entails.
              
              First off, the fact that such a lowly sack of subhuman garbage even gets his own ending to the game is ridiculous. He doesn’t deserve it. Not even remotely. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Gideon Ofnir, but he’s much more important and he doesn’t get his own ending? Hell, a LOT of characters are important and warranting of their own ending, but it’s Dung Eater that gets it.
              
              Second, the philosophy of his ending is stupid as fuck. Omens are beings cursed from birth that are outside of the Erdtree’s blessing. Doesn’t seem like there’s a solid consensus on why it happens, but it does, and it sucks. It is an eternal curse, horrific to live through and guaranteeing basically unending and undeserved pain and suffering, and the Golden Order only makes it worse through their shunning and mistreatment of the Omens. Disdain for the current state of the Golden Order is understandable from the other side, and since those who have felt the curse are in suffering, the end goal should be to elevate their status, extending love to them and bringing them into Grace, yes? No. Dung Eater would rather hurt everyone than to help the few that need it. He would rather take everyone and everything as low as it possibly can go to make all equal in the eyes of purity because he wants everyone and everything to be as disgusting and vile as he is. He isn’t even an Omen, he’s just so vile that he revels in everything that is awful about the Omen Curse.
              
              My girlfriend asked me what is so bad about him. I explained it by basically saying for her to imagine if Heaven was empirically proven to be real and we knew the exact way you had to get there. Imagine then if there was man; he was the ugliest man ever born that perpetually smelled like absolute shit, fetishized basically the innocent people that get sent to hell, and his sole mission in life was running around, torturing and murdering as many innocent people as he possibly could (thousands) and raping their corpses with his putrid dick to implant a curse into them that keeps them from going to heaven and sentences them to an eternity of suffering, and his ultimate end goal is to spread his demonic aids so far and wide that eventually every child born will be cursed to suffer physically, mentally, and spiritually in the worst way possible for all eternity, all in the hopes of making everyone and everything as ugly and vile as he is.
              
              He is utterly repulsive. Everything about him. I hate his voice. I hate his armor. I hate his sword. I noticed when he was bashing his head against the wall this NG+ that his greasy hair stuck out the back of his helmet and almost vomited. I sold all gear associated with him when I got it, just holding it made me feel unclean and I would never equip it. I don’t care what kind of poise or stats his armor has, it’s so fucking ugly and he’s all I can equate it to and just seeing someone wear it in multiplayer fills me with disgust and makes me dislike them.
              
              This NG+ I devised the way that I can subject him to the maximum amount of suffering possible. I didn’t send prawnbro to the moat, I wouldn’t until after he had been dealt with. Going into Leyndell was a sublime and incredible moment, as always, and I once again took several minutes to bask in the music, the glory of the city, and the Erdtree’s gargantuan scope. Then, I focused on getting underground. My hands were literally shaking with anticipation. I freed him, feeling absolutely disgusting all the while. Just being close to him made me, myself, the real world me, feel physically unclean. He was freed. I went to the moat and crushed him as violently as possible. Then, I sent prawnbro there, where he could be safe, and gathered four of the five seedbed curses. Once I had them I gave them to him. Slow. I made sure that he stayed tied down to that chair down there for as long as possible, listening to his moans and screams with each curse he received. I don’t know if this was better or worse for him, as he clearly is suffering, but it could just as easily be argued that he’s relishing in this suffering. I may just not collect any of the curses aside from the first obligatory one next time. Then, I fed him Seluvis’s potion. THIS is where the suffering is at its climax, and in the truest, best way possible. Hearing the fear in his voiced the denial, the pain. It’s incredible. Everything that makes him special is yanked out from under him like a rug, and now he gets to enjoy a new eternal suffering. One without any freedom, one where he isn’t anything special. And one where he never gets the chance to hurt anyone again, not unless I want him to. And I won’t give him the chance. Not ever.
              
              How exactly does being a puppet work? Do you hold onto your awareness? Are you perfectly aware, remembering who you were and the life you lead, with your thoughts and ambitions, but no control over yourself? I feel like it’s probably like the hypnotic state in Get Out, or like the Black Lanterns from Blackest Night, where you’re just a passenger in your own body with full awareness and zero control. This would be quite sad for puppets like the Finger Maiden that that bastard Seluvis trapped, but just because of the Dung Eater, I hope it’s true. I hope he reaches the blackest pits of despair within his own mind, I hope every plea, every curse, every repentance that his mind could ever reach falls onto deaf ears forever, not that he is capable of regret, as much as I wish he was so that he could be even more tortured by himself for bringing this upon himself. Then again, just how highly he thinks of himself and being trapped in such a fate should be suffering enough.
              
              This time I took his puppet from Selivus, but I’ll never use it. 1) I don’t need to and 2) if killing is truly so important to him, I want his suffering to be elevated even further by never being able to take a life again, even if not of his own volition. I like to think that after becoming Elden Lord (unless you go Lord of Chaos), you can do something even worse to him to make sure that he remains an imprisoned puppet for ever.
              
              Long story short, I hate the Dung Eater far, far more than is probably normal or healthy for anyone to dislike a fictional character.