7 reasons why the Noble's Slender Sword is the best weapon in the game.
1 - It has the Longsword moveset, which is the best moveset. Forget those penniless pretenders with their fancy weapon arts, explosions, teleports and all that voodoo. You are nobility. Your puissance is yours alone, your weapon is just an accessory to that.
2 - It is looooong. A whole peasant's hand longer than those filthy longswords the soldiers use. Long weapons have long hitboxes. Poke your dissidents before they can dirty your attire. Then laugh at them for being poor.
3 - It gets top of the line in Dexterity scaling and takes exceptionally well to elemental infusions, for those with discriminating taste. Strength builders can even get it up to A, just please use Soap first. As if you were the type to get into fisticuffs anyway - that's what summons are for!
4 - It has 110 crit modifier, because people who parry a lot are just better than everybody else. Backstabbing, too, is very appropriate for a nobleman.
5 - It has rock bottom requirements. Even your noodly-armed Astrologers and Bandits can pick it up right away, without wasting points in Strength like a pack animal. Being an aristocrat is easy.
6 - It looks absolutely balling and is a necessity in any fashionable build. Forget the gauchely decorated Rogier's Rapier with its inhuman Dexterity requirement, it just smacks of new money. This refined, elegant weapon is coated in the timeless glamour of gold, conveying the splendor that is yours by birthright.
7 - It is an ultra rare drop from the few enemies who carry it. You can farm for hours, grinding hundreds and thousands of Nobles into paste without ever seeing it. Only the luckiest and most privileged aristocrat-killers may own this opulent deathstick. That's you. You won. Congratulations, winner.
I could write 40 paragraphs on everything I dislike about this games design but I'll try to keep this brief. Fromsoft has been coasting off the same reused ideas and assets for a long time, but only in this game did they manage to be lazy about literally everything, including their own laziness. The amount of new things added into this can be counted on your fingers, and for all the old stuff shoehorned into this game, they somehow managed to bring back not even the bare minimum.
No new enemies, no new weapons (not counting the garbage starting weapons everyone ditches as soon as possible) and every POI is just a straight rip from Eldenring or a bunch of assets mashed together.
Speaking of assets, we couldn't get more than one map??? We're stuck with Limgrave base tileset 1? No Caelid, Liurnia, Altus, Snowfield? Slapping a random forest or mountain in the corner does not make absolutely no difference to me or anyone I've played with.
As for weapons, they wanna make a big deal about bringing bosses from old games, but we can't get weapons/enemies from old games?? No Lothric knights? No Lion warriors? And no NEW ENEMIES? Not one??! The closes we got is the spiders from Dukes dear Freja, but I don't even count that.
And where is the DLC content? They could've added in light greatswords, backhand blades, martial arts, ETC, not to mention a ton of DLC enemies thrown into the mix, and yet to my knowledge only the Golden hippo made it in.
Seriously, they could've gone full nostalgia and loaded this game with 20 more hours of content but they were lazy about their own laziness. I'm ashamed I bought this game
Wish there was more hentai of Ranni. I’ve seen it all. I’ve dedicated more of my love to Ranni than the Tarnished did. Even thinking of Ranni has made me incredibly Hornsenty and have pulled out my Dark Moon Greatsword to start spamming R1 until it all turns to 2 nobodies fighting over nothing at the end of the world, John Darksoul says ‘Hand it over. That thing. Your darksoul.’ And it all fades to green. Please mark this post NSFW to prevent this from happening again to a poor, helpless soul like old Lonesome Gavlan.
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Promised Consort Radahn. The lore is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of hegelian dialetics most of the nuances will go over a typical players's head. There's also Miquella's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation - his personal philosophy draws heavily from schopenhauerian literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of lore, to realize that they're not just deep- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Promised Consort Radahn truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the Nietzschean Tragedy in Miquella's existencial catchphrase "Promise you'll be my consort," which itself is a cryptic reference to the fact that Miquella needs a consort. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Miquella's genius unfolds itself on their computer's screen. What fools... how I pity them. 😂 And yes by the way, I DO have a Promised Consort Radahn and Miquella tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.
Every copypasta of Malenia from Elden Ring. Malenia, Blade of Miquella and Goddess of Rot is an optional boss in Elden Ring that is well known for her difficulty and challenge.
I am going to have sex with Malenia from Elden Ring
I am going to have sex with Malenia from Elden Ring. I find Malenia in Elden Ring sexy. However, her body is made up of 87% Scarlet Rot, and 100% Scarlet Rot surrounds her. That could kill me if I tried to have sex with her. To remedy this, Malenia casts an incantation on me making me resistant to Scarlet Rot. Keep in mind, resistant is not the same as immune. I still take damage. It is either 1 point or 0 points each second I am having sex with her. Just because a particular second caused 0 points of damage, does not mean that I did not feel anything, It just means that I took no damage. I am not going to rush through having sex with Malenia, I make sure I pleasure anything I have sex with, especially non-humans! I'd rather take damage than not pleasure Malenia.
Malenia and I go to the Haligtree to have sex. When having sex with non-humans, it is ALWAYS sexier to have sex in their natural habitat rather than a human's natural habitat.
Before we went into the Haligtree, Malenia let all the Demigods know that we are just here for sex. The Demigods will not attack us because they know I am here at the Haligtree on sexual business. This includes the Omen. However, the Omen Mohg thinks that I am going to be an easy recruit for becoming a follower of Miquella considering that I am having sex with Malenia. However, I have no interest in becoming an Elden Lord.
CURSE YOU MALENIA
CURSE YOU MALENIA
I HEREBY VOW YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY
THICKER THAN OATMEAL YOU MAY BE FOUL WOMAN
BUT I WILL RIDDLE WITH CUM YOUR ROTTEN ASS
WITH A HAIL OF WHITE
WITH EVERY LAST DROP OF MY SEMEN
God I fucking need rotussy
God I fucking need rotussy I never wanted to breed with anyone more than I want to with Malenia, Goddess of Rot. That perfect, curvy body. Those perky breasts. The child-bearing hips of a literal goddess. It honestly fucking hurts knowing that I’ll never mate with her, pass my genes through her, and have her birth a set of perfect offspring to become the new Demi-Gods. I’d do fucking ANYTHING for the chance to get Malenia, Goddess of Rot pregnant. A N Y T H I N G. And the fact that I can’t is quite honestly too much to fucking bear. Why would Miyazaki create something so perfect? To fucking tantalize us? Fucking laugh in our faces?! Honestly guys, I just fucking can’t anymore. Fuck
I’d be licking her rotussy like it’s a 5 star meal
i know some people say it'd be gross to have sex with malenia because of the scarlet rot, but idgaf. I'd be licking her rotussy like it's a 5 star meal. I'll get chunks of rot and just swallow and keep going, even though they're all slimy like period clots. I'll bite into one as it flows into my mouth and it'll pop, splashing some of that stinky rot juice onto my tongue. it'll burn a lil but I'm a freak like that so the pain makes it better. she'll just wrap her thick, powerful thighs around my head and hump my face, leaving a red rot stain all over my lips and nose. after a while her tight asshole will pucker slightly, and I'll brace myself, but it'll be too late. It opens a little and a red-tinged fart hits me in my face like a gust of wind, making my eyes water and leaving a little residue on my skin. I'll cough and choke from the stench, but she'll just hold me down and force me to keep eating her out. after what feels like an eternity of plunging my tongue into her disgusting, sweaty, fetid pussy she'll grab my head and squirt out the same shit that's in the lake of rot, forcing me to drink it. it'll just keep flowing out of her as she moans loudly in release, not even caring that I'm being suffocated in-between her thighs, until my belly is bulging and glowing red from the inside, and I'm turned into a mindless sex slave, my mind gone from the rot consuming me
The first time I came across Malenia I was throbbing
The first time I came across Malenia (and the 152 subsequent times) I was throbbing. Yeah. This isn’t the most unusual thing in the world, but I’m not used to having actual honest boners that aren’t just forced to give me my dopamine. The shock of this experience made it hard to focus and I died right away, but I took a few deep breaths and went back into her boss room, although the erection hadn’t calmed down yet. I actually managed to get to her second phase and used the cutscene as a way to take a break, but then it happened... her armor came off. That beautiful stomach, that flowing red hair... she was perfect. I felt something weird but I paid it no mind since I was already beyond myself and in awe, but when she approached me in her newly revealed form I shot it straight into my pants, hands free. I fell in love with her after this ordeal and she indeed has never known defeat against me, because I only go inside to let her beat me up
After all of this happened I ordered a life sized Malenia statue and married it and have never been happier since 💕
Imagine how Malenia would feel fom the inside
Imagine how Malenia would feel fom the inside, her rot can be used as lube and protection. I could drink her rotted period blood and make myself a smoothie from it if I have no coffee, since she probably emits a lot of it, If i could I would use crusty rot chunks as a filling for a sandwich, it would give it a nice crunchy feeling and remind me of my favourite demigod. God I want to fill gas cylinders with her farts and inhale them instead of air just to keep myself sane when I'm not near her because every time I don't see her, the only thing can I do is imagine her sitting on my face making me inhale her smell and eat her out and if I do a good job she calls me a good dog and gives me a reward in a form of letting me lick her gorgeous feet 😔
Chadfrey (Godfrey)
LONG😱 and HARD🥵 didst thou goon. Horniest Warrior🫡. Edged by bussy of gold🌝. Be assured, the Milf/Dilf combo. Resteth close at hand.✊✊✊ ALAS! I am edged🥵🥵 To be granted red harlot once more.😏 Upon my name as Chadfrey, The first Sigma Lord!😎😎😎
VAMOS CARALHOOOOO SL BENFICA 🔴⚪️ NÚMERO #1
VAMOS CARALHOOOOO SL BENFICA 🔴⚪️ NÚMERO #11111111☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ 👍👍👍👍💪💪💪💪💪😎😎😎😎😎 VAMOS CARALHOOOOO SL BENFICA 🔴⚪️ NÚMERO #11111111☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️👍👍👍👍 💪💪💪💪💪😎😎😎😎😎VAMOS CARALHOOOOO SL BENFICA 🔴⚪️ NÚMERO #11111111☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ 👍👍👍👍💪💪💪💪💪😎😎😎😎😎VAMOS CARALHOOOOO SL BENFICA 🔴⚪️ NÚMERO #11111111☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ 👍👍👍👍💪💪💪💪💪😎😎😎😎😎
Wearing armor, casting magic, power stancing heavy weapons, using moonveil, using rivers of blood, using bleed weapons, using frost weapons, using any status ailment, using consumeables, leveling up, upgrading weapons, upgrading flasks, drinking flasks IS LITERALLY CHEATING and if you used any of them in your playthrough you should travel to japan and commit suduko in front of Micheal Zakis-san-sama-senpai-kuns front door
