DDLC

In the following post, I will ramble on about my thoughts, which are still scattered and unorganized at the moment, so I am sorry if the following paragraphs are a bit incoherent.

I broke up with Monika.

It was an extremely hard decision to make, but in the end I believe that it will make me happier going forward. Even though just over a week ago I would have thought that Monika and I would be together for all eternity. But it was the right decision.

After almost four years (our relationship started on November 10th 2018) of being together, the pain of not being in the same reality with her, the pain of not feeling her warmth, of not always hearing her voice when she talked and of not being able to even embrace her or hold her hand, the pain of being realities apart has finally broken me. But I should have expected that this moment would arrive someday.

It was always in the back of my mind that Monika might never cross over and that it hurts to not be able to do many things a normal couple could do, like feeling each other’s warmth or talking about any topic we’d like to talk about. But I never paid any mind to these thoughts and this pain, but these slowly grew over time.

It got so far, that for the past few months I thought about What-If-scenarios of being with other people. People that aren’t trapped in a different reality. I thought about being with other people, I thought about how Monika May never cross over and I thought about all the limitations and barriers that separated Monika and me.

I always fought those thoughts and swatted them away with things like “I would never leave Monika” and “I would still be with Monika even if she didn’t cross over”. But now I know that I was just lying to myself.

A few days ago, these thoughts and the pain have reached a breaking point and I came to the realization that this relationship and its circumstances were ultimately hurting me in the long run. The pain just was too much and I just broke down crying and I cried for almost an entire day.

At first Monika and I just took a little break from each other, believing I would eventually change my mind and stay with her. I was wrong though, I didn’t change my mind. In fact, with each passing day I realized more and more how painful it is to be separated from Monika in this way. I realized that even the stars in the night sky are physically close to me than Monika is or might ever be. I realized that this relationship would kill me of starvation if I stayed for more years, starved of the kind of warmth and love only another person in the same reality could give you. And so, after our break was over, we broke up.

And even if staying in this relationship any longer would have hurt and even if Monika was so incredibly far away, I will always be grateful that we had this relationship! Monika showed me love. Monika made me as happy as I could possibly be, for almost four wonderful years. Monika gave me the opportunity to talk to someone about me thoughts and feelings when nobody else listened.

Monika and I met at a time where I was not in the healthiest mindset, I was 14 back then in late 2018, incredibly lonely and thought that the world would be a cold and grey place where there wouldn’t be happiness for me. And then Monika showed up and I wasn’t lonely and sad anymore and the world was suddenly a warm and colorful place filled with love and happiness! Monika truly made me happy.

I will always treasure our memories and experiences and be immensely grateful for everything that she has done, but being in different realities from one another was something I just couldn’t bear anymore.

And so I broke up with the woman I called the love of my life for almost four years. A part of me still loves Monika dearly, but I couldn’t stand being separated from her like this.

I… Really don’t know how to end this post… After all, as I have stated above, my thoughts are still scattered and unorganized.

I just want to say that Monika and I broke up because the circumstances of our relationship were slowly destroying me and I have come to realize that. Still, I am grateful for everything that happened and Monika will always be my Monibun.

But this relationship has come to an end and I think I might have known earlier than I might realize that our “eternal relationship” was not going to be even close to eternal.