Balatro

I have a very weird confession about geometry dash.

By u/Gryllodea, its a shitpost towards another post about a person feeling sexual when playing Geometry Dash.

I have a very weird confession about geometry dash.

Alright, throwaway for obvious reasons. This is so deeply embarrassing that I've never told a single person in my life. But I saw this post the other day, and for the first time ever, I didn't feel completely insane. So I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off.

My whole life, I've felt like I was "broken" when it came to this stuff. I'm asexual and aromantic. I don't look at people and feel that. Honestly, most porn makes me feel kinda sick. I figured my wiring was just... different, and that was that.

But then there's Geometry Dash.

It sounds like a joke, I know. It sounds like a bad meme. It's not. It's the most confusing, shameful, and real thing I've ever dealt with.

I'm not talking about levels with cute art. I'm talking about the pure, raw gameplay. A perfectly synced dual sequence. A clean, tight wave part where every click lines up with the music. A smooth, flowing ship section with impossible-looking turns. Watching a really well-made, difficult level gets me so... intensely, physically worked up that I can't control it. It's a direct, involuntary physical reaction. I've had to stop watching YouTube videos of levels because of it. It’s that powerful, and that embarrassing.

After reading that other post, I fell down a rabbit hole trying to understand why. The closest thing I've found that makes sense is that it's not actually a fetish. A fetish is when you're attracted to something. I'm not attracted to the level. It's more like my brain completely misfires.

The satisfaction I get from watching perfect gameplay, the rhythm, the precision, the visual ASMR of it all, its so powerful that my brain seems to misinterpret that flood of "YES, THIS IS PERFECT" feeling as sexual arousal. My body just follows orders from the wrong signal. It's apparently a real, studied thing: a "misattribution of a non-sexual stimulus."

So... yeah. I'm the guy who has to take a cold shower after watching a good Neiro showcase. It feels pathetic to type out, but there it is. If there's anyone else out there who gets it, even a little... hi. You're not a monster. You're just wired in a really, really weird way.

Balatro

I have a very weird confession about balatro

Alright, throwaway for obvious reasons. This is so deeply embarrassing that I've never told a single person in my life. But I saw this post the other day, and for the first time ever, I didn't feel completely insane. So I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off.

My whole life, I've felt like I was "broken" when it came to this stuff. I'm asexual and aromantic. I don't look at people and feel that. Honestly, most porn makes me feel kinda sick. I figured my wiring was just... different, and that was that.

But then there's Balatro.

It sounds like a joke, I know. It sounds like a bad meme. It's not. It's the most confusing, shameful, and real thing I've ever dealt with.

I'm not talking about jokers with cute art. I'm talking about the pure, raw gameplay. A perfectly built up economy. A clean, tight boss blind where every hand and discard matters. A smooth, flowing strategy with impossible-looking pivots. Watching a really well-played, difficult yet somehow possible gold stake win gets me so... intensely, physically worked up that I can't control it. It's a direct, involuntary physical reaction. I've had to stop watching DrSpectred and Roffle because of it. It’s that powerful, and that embarrassing.

After reading that other post, I fell down a rabbit hole trying to understand why. The closest thing I've found that makes sense is that it's not actually a fetish. A fetish is when you're attracted to something. I'm not attracted to the joker. It's more like my brain completely misfires.

The satisfaction I get from watching perfect gameplay, the triggers, the precision, the visual ASMR of it all, its so powerful that my brain seems to misinterpret that flood of "YES, THIS IS PERFECT" feeling as sexual arousal. My body just follows orders from the wrong signal. It's apparently a real, studied thing: a "misattribution of a non-sexual stimulus."

So... yeah. I'm the guy who has to take a cold shower after watching a good Perkeo-less naneinf. It feels pathetic to type out, but there it is. If there's anyone else out there who gets it, even a little... hi. You're not a monster. You're just wired in a really, really weird way.

Navy Seal copypasta but Jimbo from Balatro

Its the Navy Seal copypasta but changed to Jimbo the talking Joker that introduces Balatro and narrates the tutorial.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you wee jonkler? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Balatro University, and I've been involved in numerous secret runs on the gold stakes, and I have over 300 confirmed wins. I am trained in discard strategy and I'm the top straight player in the entire English localisation. You are nothing to me but just another joker. I will hanged man you the fuck out of my deck with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth card, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me at the game over screen? Think again, jerker. As we speak I am assembling my secret circus of +mult across the shop and your chips are being scored right now so you better prepare for the flames, fool. The flames that wipes out the pathetic wee thing you call your blind. You're fucking scored, jim. I can get any hand, anytime, and I can score you with over e700 chips, and that's just with my high card. Not only am I extensively trained in high card builds, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Red Seal Steel Kings and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable small blind off the face of the poker table, you wee jurkner. If only you could have known what unholy immolation your wee """"clever"""" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have shut your fucking The Mouth. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're getting debuffed, you goddamn buffoon. I will shit my spare trouser all over and they will drown in it. You're fucking scored, jimbo.

They should add a seal called the navy seal. I think that it would be a great addition since seals are already very rare and fun to play around that adding more world be really cool. It would totally mix up gameplay in a way that would be super balanced and I think many people would love it. Also the navy “seal” should be colored navy of course since I mean that’s the color of the navy. As for the abilities (pretty funny that I rambled this long without talking about those) it should call the navy seals to your house and have them break down your door and kill your pets. I feel like this would add that fourth wall immersion to the game that it was really missing before. If you like that then maybe we should also add something like the swat seal that swats your house and you get killed. I think that would be really cool.

STOP POSTING ABOUT BALATRO!

Its the “STOP POSTING ABOUT AMONG US” meme but changed to Balatro.

STOP POSTING ABOUT BALATRO! I'M TIRED OF SEEING IT! MY FRIENDS ON TIKTOK SEND ME "Nope!", ON DISCORD IT'S FUCKING HIGH CARD ANTE 29 RUNS! I was in a server, right? and ALL OF THE CHANNELS were just balatro stuff. I-I showed my casino license to my girlfriend and I said "hey babe, they made balatro a real thing" HAHA Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! I fucking looked at a trashcan and said "HELL YEAH +1 DISCARD" I looked at my penis I think of BONANA and I go "WHEN YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME ON MY GROS MICHEL YOU DON'T DESERVE ME ON MY CAVENDISH " AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGESFG

I think I fucked up… (Balatro at casino)

Guys, the other day I was playing at a casino, you know, using all my +18 Balatro gambling skills, as Pegi advertises, but it was weird.

First there were no bosses, second I was playing with other players (since when Balatro has multiplayer?), and finally, everyone was using the same deck, and neither a fancy one, I kept asking for a Yellow Deck, but everyone was like “Why do you keep asking for 10 dollars? Do we look like a bank?”

Anyway, things go well, and I keep winning chips, some folks were confused that my chips keep growing when I was not even “betting” (I don’t even know what that means. They keep saying you needed to take chips and put in some kind of hot pot? Sounded they either eat chips or smoke it, which sound horrible and stupid.).

The problem was, I was becoming bored of playing the same basic hands, so at some point I had enough, and put in the table a Banana, Ramen, a dice, a heartstone and some half-eaten popcorn. I pulled a booster pack, picked a polychrome ace heart card and used four death cards to make a Five Flush. I know, I know, not very optimal, I should have kidnapped four burger kings and a mime.

So suddenly, everyone is screaming at me for being a cheater, even though I keep telling my hand was a legit hand as I learned in Balatro, the gambling teacher game for adults, the casino refuses to me to pay me my money I won fair and just (Heck, is only 2 dollars for my two hands. I don’t why they keep counting nervously my trillion chips and sobbing half-way everytime I ask for my money), and now guys in black suits and dark glasses keep chasing me and keep repeating something something about “Level 3 reality threat”. What do I do? I just want to play Balatro, but they keep hijacking my internet and backseating me into playing flushes, is a fucking nightmare.