I am currently sitting on the toilet and finished taking a shit, and now I have wiped my ass for the 600th time already and have used up half the roll.
This shit hurts more than a breakup, why do girls complain about breakups when this is a much bigger problem? My ass literally stings like crazy and it feels like im wiping with sandpaper now, AND THE AMOUNT OF FUCKING POOP DIDN'T WENT DOWN AT ALL AFTER WIPING A BILLION FUCKING TIMES!!
I'm a climate change denial denialist. I deny the existence of climate change deniers. Think about it. The evidence is overwhelming. Do you really think people still don't believe in climate change? It's a lie. Everyone knows by now that the earth's climate is changing. Climate change deniers are a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
I cured my son of the Big Gay. The other day, he came home for Christmas with his new partner. I was excited to meet her (and maybe MEAT her after my son fell asleep hehe), but imagine my horror when it turned out to be another man.
I immediately started to protest, but my son said "Dad, this is who I am. Zander and I are in love."
Without missing a beat, I turned around and said, "You forgot to say no homo."
But my boy simply scoffed at me and said, "Actually, dad, I AM a homosexual. That's right, your son is in love with another man." Then my son grabbed Zander's hand and looked at me defiantly.
For a second, I was utterly devastated. But then I thought to myself What would Trump do? So I stared straight at my son, penetrating his soul with my eyes (no homo), and said, "But that's gay."
As soon as I uttered those fateful words, my son began to convulse. He dropped to floor in some sort of manic state, spit pouring from his mouth as his eyes rolled back into his head. Zander tried to help him, but I pushed that dainty little queer away with my heteronormative strength.
After a full minute, my son opened his eyes and said, "Dad, you cured me of my homosexuality." Then, with manly tears of joy in his eyes, he pointed to Zander and exclaimed, "Let's get that homo!"
After we wiped Zander's blood off our hands and threw the little fairy into the cold, my son and I sat down with a beer and watched some football.
As we watched, my son turned to me and said, "Dad, I love you. No homo."
"No homo indeed, son," I replied. "No homo indeed."