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the entire transcript of “Killer Bean Forever (2009)”

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    Yeah? Can you turn down the music. What? Can you turn down the music! I'm trying to get some sleep here! Turn down the music? How's that! How's that. Is that much better? Turn down your damn music, or I'll come over there and turn it down myself! All right, sucker. You come down here, we can dance. Hello? Hello? Bitch! When I don't get enough sleep, I get irritable. And you don't want to make me - 'Calling VAGAN' Wait! Who are you? Just a bean trying to get some sleep. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You came here just to make us turn off the music? If you were listening on the phone, I said I would come here to turn it off myself. What! Are you insane?! Do you know what you just got yourself into? Do you know who I am! Do you know who my uncle is?! Yes. I do. Detective Cromwell. Good morning. Yeah. Something tells me there's nothing good about this morning. What do we got here? Multiple gunshots were reported coming from this warehouse. I was the first one to answer the call. Multiple gunshots, huh. You do know whose warehouse this is. Yes, sir. Have you gone inside yet? No, sir. I wanted to wait for backup. Well. It's here. My God. What a massacre. There's got to be a dozen, at least a dozen dead beans here. I guess I don't need this anymore. These were all Cappuccino's beans. Mm-hmm. It must have been some kind of gang war. No. This is no gang war. Cappuccino's beans might be dumb, but they know how to use a gun. There would have been other dead beans here, not just them. This something else. Well. One thing's for sure. We won't need that search warrant we were trying to get, huh. Heh. Yeah. I could live with this. Detective Cromwell. I found something here. 'This bullet casing is the property of Killer Bean' Killer Bean 'The bullet is meant for someone else' Hmm. What do you make of this? This guy's got balls. That's for sure. We got company! Let's go! Stop! Stop right there! This is the police! Hold it right there! Bad idea. Get out of the car! Get your hands where I can see them! Easy... Easy... Oh please, officer. Don't hurt me. Watch it. Vagan. I should have known I'd find you here, Detective Cromwell. What are you doing here, Vagan? Well, obviously something happened in my warehouse. I mean, can't a bean protect his own property anymore? Don't you mean, Cappuccino's property? You know, your obsession with Cappuccino has become quite amusing. Always trying to link everything back to Cappuccino. Why don't you tell it to the court. You're under arrest. Arrest? For what? A traffic violation? What about this? Looking for some action here? If I were looking for some action, you wouldn't be standing before me as you do right now. Yeah? That's cause I'd be shooting you with this! Are you kids done yet? I say we take him in and book him right now. You know my lawyers will have me out even before you get me to the police station. The time is not worth your effort, now is it Cromwell. Let him go. What?! I said let him go. Uh, my gun please. Nice... You know, Vagan, you're right. You're not worth my time. However, investigating the multiple homicides in your warehouse is. And whatever else we find in your warehouse, is just icing on the cake. You're free to go. And by the way, your car's parked illegally. You better get it out of here before we tow it. Oh, and Vagan. Here. It looks like I'm not the only one after your boss. ...possible suspects. Rumors have surfaced saying that there is a vigilante bean in town... What the hell is going on out there?! Ah. Looks like I got someone's attention. Who's this? Great. Playtime's over. 'Encrypted Call' 'Decoding' 'Secure Connection' This is Killer Bean. Killer Bean. What the hell are you doing? You think this is a game? What were you thinking last night? I had a rough night last night. We know what kind of night you had. Might I remind you what your mission is. You were given specific orders to hunt down and eliminate the target. No one else! Drawing this kind of attention to yourself is dangerous for us, and especially for you. What's the big deal? I killed a bunch of gangsters. I'm sure the Beantown police are a lot happier without them. You didn't do anyone a favor with that mess you created last night. And you are not working for the Beantown police. You are working for us! I'll still get the job done. I'll get him. We're running out of time. He has to know you're coming by now. Remember who he is. Yeah. I know what the mission is. Then stick to it! Don't be so reckless, Killer Bean. I'll call you when I got him! Reckless! Pff! Reckless my brown bean ass! 'Decoding' 'Secure Connection' Yes? Jet Bean, you have been activated for an urgent mission in Beantown. Beantown? I'm a long way from Beantown. It would be best to assign someone else. This mission is highly sensitive. You are the most capable for the job. It figures. Fine. I'll do it. Good. We'll contact you with the details as soon as you reach the shore. See you in Beantown. They better have some good food in Beantown. Wait. Are you leaving? Yes. How long will you go for? A long time. Oh... I have something I want to give to you. Oh... You shouldn't have. Here! It's the bill! You haven't paid in three months! I'm leaving now. I will pay when I get back. Hey! You get back here pay now! Tsingtao! Get out here! He say your food tastes like ass crack. What?! Make bean curd out of him! I said I'll pay when I get back! Oh. It's okay. It's on the house. You don't have to come back! Please! Looking at the figures from our previous fiscal year. Narcotic sales have dropped 57 percent. 57 percent! That's more than half! Now, compare this to the 300 percent growth from our weapons department. But you guys... You guys are not from my weapons department, are you. No... You guys are from my narcotics department, okay?! So what do I have to do, huh? How can I get through to you guys?! Dude. I have such a hangover. Yeah bean, that was a kick-ass party last night, right? Yeah. Too bad we didn't stay for the whole thing. I bet they had some fun. Woot! Woot! You see, it's easy when you think about it. Crime is on the rise, okay. So more guns sell, because criminals use guns. Hello!! They also use drugs! So more drugs should sell, right? What's the problem here? Now, you guys. Someone give me a reasonable explanation, okay? Why are narcotic sales performing so poorly? It's all those anti-drug commercials on TV. You never see any anti-gun commercials. It's not fair. It has become quite apparent to me, that some of you do not value your job. Now... That is quite odd, if you ask me. Especially in today's economy. But I am forced to say... It is time... To lay off! A few beans!! Ooohhh!!! Uh, wait. I have a question. Yes. Will I be eligible for unemployment? Hmm. Let me check with the finance department on that, okay? My social security number is... 3, 4, 6... Oh boy. Is my batting average going to go up after this. Ahem- Hang on, let me just finish this level. Cappuccino! Ah. Vagan. I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can teach these beans something about business, since you've handled my weapons department so well. That bean is nothing but a kiss-ass brown-noser. What does he know that we don't know? But he's making millions of dollars selling weapons. If you ask me, He's doing something illegal. Oh, it's great to see you, Vagan. But you'll have to excuse me. I'm in an important meeting right now. This is more important. It's about the warehouse on Baker Street. Oh that. It's okay. I know. You know? Yeah. My nephew was having a party of there last night, okay? No, it's not about the party. Well. It is. There was a hit on the warehouse. Everyone is dead. Who did this. I have reason to believe that it was done by a bean named, Killer Bean. Killer Bean... One bean? This is no ordinary bean. I've heard of him before. I know what he can do. Who the hell is he? Who sent him? Is it the Colombians? Is it the French trying to roast me? It has to be one of your competitors. Who ever it is, I want you to find him. I want you to find him, and destroy him! Oh, believe me I will try. But first, we have Killer Bean to deal with. He's somewhere out there, and he's coming after you. All right. We need to consolidate all of our warehouses. There's too many targets for him to attack. Move all our inventory to the central warehouse on Main Street. I want you to protect that place. What about Killer Bean? What do you want me to do? Oh nothing. Just send him a box of chocolates, and tell him thanks for the memories. You idiot! What do you think you should do? Kill him. Any way you can, by any means. Put him in the ground! I'll need more beans. Professional beans. Put it on my credit card, okay. Just do it! Yes, sir. Vagan. Make sure you find out who sent him. There will be hell to pay. Hello. Hey, Harry. It's Detective Cromwell. Hey, Cromwell. Hey did you get the package I sent you? Yeah, it's pretty wild stuff. Our crime lab is getting nowhere with this. What do you make of it? Well, the easy ones the tire tread sample. I tested the residue you sent, and the tires are made from silicon steel fiber alloy. It's only used on high-performance cars. It's not unique, but it's hard to come by. Hmm... What about the gold bullets? Now that. In my 15 years with Special Forces, I've never seen gold used in any weapon. But for practical purposes gold is a very soft metal. So the bullets expand and deform on high impact. They make little holes on the way in and big holes on the way out. And they are much harder to match the ballistic signatures. That makes them relatively untraceable. Yeah, that doesn't make sense if the bullet casings have his name on it. And he left those everywhere. Yeah. Killer Bean. Yeah, I don't get that. He must be one sick bean, like he wanted to be found out. Yeah, or he's bragging. Or just plain careless. This Killer Bean has to be working for someone to get that kind of financial backing. You think he's a gun for hire? Or he could be a vigilante. That's the word on the street. Either way, one thing's for sure. He has his eyes set on Cappuccino. Heh, well then you both have something in common. Yeah. If that's true, I have a hunch where this Killer Bean will show up next. Hey, I gotta go. See you, Harry. Later. 'Suspected Cappuccino's Warehouses' Dramatic entrance... Dramatic entrance... Well, that pretty much frees up my day. Time for some breakfast. 'Shadow Bean, you are too late.' Howdy. What will it be? Tequila and tonic. And, uh. Turn up the TV. Detective Cromwell, concerning possible suspects, rumors have surfaced that there is a vigilante bean in town, who is hunting down Cappuccino. There is no evidence for your vigilante theory. As far as I'm concerned, the suspect or suspects involved in these homicides are no friends of the police. We will do what is necessary to bring them to justice. Thank you. I don't think so. I'll have another. And you can turn that crap off now. What can I get you? I'll have what he's having. This is a rough part of town. Do you always sit with your back to the entrance? Doesn't matter who comes in. Isn't it against police regulation to be drinking during the day? I'm a detective. Our regulations are a little different. How'd you know I was with the police? You know, you're much uglier in person. Heh. My name is Detective Cromwell. And you are? Jack. Well, Jack... I guess you heard what happened this morning over at the warehouse on Baker Street. Yeah, I know about that. Really. Tell me what you know. Why don't we cut to the chase. Why don't you tell me what you know. Oh, I know a lot. I know the Baker Street warehouse is owned by Cappuccino. I know someone killed 12 beans in that warehouse last night. I know the killer drove a fancy car, and has fancy guns. I know that the warehouse across the street with the big hole in the window also belongs to Cappuccino. I see this fancy car parked in front, and well, you don't look like you walked here. So my guess is... This, belongs to you. Well it looks like you figured it all out. Good job. Another! It was easy. You were just reckless. The way I see it, you're the one who's being reckless. You come out here looking for me by yourself. You didn't bring anyone to back you up. That's reckless. Here's my backup. That's a nice gun. Wanna see mine! How can I see it, if you have it against the side of my head? Not bad. But mine's bigger. You do the math. Why are you after Cappuccino? That's for me to know, and you not to know. Well, I know I can't have a crazy vigilante running around shooting up beans. But you're no vigilante, are you. Seems like there are beans who've invested in you, And I'm sure they're not happy with the press you're getting. This is where I can help you. I don't need help. Well, you see. I'm bound by the law. I've been working this Cappuccino case for over three years. Every time we think we have something on him, his lawyers get in the way and get him out. I wish I was like you. I wish I could just walk up to him and shoot him. But I can't. It's too bad. Because I know where is central warehouse is. Not these abandoned warehouses, like that one out there. Why don't you pay him a visit? You got the wrong bean. I'm not just some hired gun. Who says I'm hiring you? You already have a boss, don't you? I bet he doesn't really like all that attention that you're getting from the media. I can make that go away. I control the evidence, and the evidence says it could've been some rival gang that killed all of Cappuccino's beans last night, or... It could be you. And I have a lot of evidence that says that. Are you going to take me in? I can take you down. Oh... I would enjoy that. Freeze! Get out of my bar you punks! I know how to use this! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! I'm a cop! Put down your gun! I don't trust any of you. You drop your guns, both of you! Sorry, grandpa. It doesn't work like that. Okay, okay. I'm going to slowly lower my gun, and I'm gonna go, alright? Alright? This will be real easy. See? This is easy. Killer Bean. Remember what I said. We can help each other. Just help yourself out the door. This is for the drinks. Mine and his. Now, you mind if I go to the bathroom before I go? Be quick. Your life depends on it. So dramatic. Sorry. It was a double flusher. But you only flushed once. Hey... Don't I know you from somewhere? Who is Shadow Bean? You're in way over your head. Who is Shadow Bean?! You don't have to yell. I'm right next to you. Answer me! Are there two of you?! You're not going to shoot me if you need the answers. Besides, I can't answer you anyway. So... I'll have to do this instead! It's a good idea for you to stay down. We'll settle this later. You're not as dumb as you look. Hello. Harry. It's Cromwell. My hunch was right. Killer Bean hit Cappuccino's warehouse on the east side. In fact, he was still here when I got here. Whoa, how did that go? Not as well as I would have liked. Hey listen. I got some new info. I found a note in front of Cappuccino's warehouse. It said, Shadow Bean, you are too late. Does that mean anything to you? Harry? You still there? I didn't know they were still in operation. Who? The Shadow Beans. Harry, what's going on? They're highly trained operatives of an organization called the Shadow Agency. Shadow Agency? What are they, a government agency? Why haven't I heard of them? I think they were a private organization. There are some things the government does that are not meant to be known. Their collaboration with the Shadow Agency was one of them. When diplomatic and military tactics failed, our government hired the Shadow Agency to eliminate national security threats. It was more cost effective than training and maintaining our own elite assassins. And the Shadow Beans were better than anything we had. Great. But why here? What are the Shadow Beans doing in Beantown? And what could they possibly want with Cappuccino? I don't know. I thought the Shadow Agency was disbanded. I know our government stopped using them nearly a decade ago. I haven't heard of them since. So do you think this Killer Bean is a Shadow Bean operative? It sounds like he's certainly good enough to be. What do you think I should do is stop him? I don't even know if you can't stop him. But you can start by putting all your cops on double duty. Right... This is the place. Dramatic entrance. Bean, I hate this job. It's so freaking boring. All we do we sit around and drink beer. Are you kidding? This is my dream job! Hey! We're not supposed to be just sitting around drinking beer. Remember what Vagan said? He said we got to move all those crates by morning. If the cops find this stuff, we are screwed. Where are we supposed to move them? I don't know. I didn't really listen to that part. Hey, give me another beer. Oh here, have mine. I shouldn't drink anymore. *sniff* *cough* I have a really bad cold. All right! Wait... is this a low carb beer? Hey, speaking of beer... Did you beans hear what happened at the party last night? Some dude went in there, and killed everyone. He even killed Cappuccino's nephew. Geez... Who was this bean that killed everyone? Is he someone I should be worried about? Nah. He's probably just some crazed lunatic, running around with lots of guns. You know, that's the problem with this country. Too many crazed lunatics with guns. Isn't that right, baby? The lunatics aren't the problem. The real problem is the guns. What this country needs is some serious gun control. I mean, we need to take away all the guns. All of them! And just get rid of them! But not my gun. Ohhh! Ow! Bean, you dropped into the wrong place. Looks like what we got here is a standoff. Not really. Over there! Take cover! Call the boss! Get some help! Hello. Vagan! We're being attacked. I think it's Killer Bean! How do you know? Well... He's killing everyone! We're sending the mercenaries. Just hold tight. Keep firing! Don't let up! Grenade!! I can see we came to the right place. You made short work of these beans. Don't expect the same fight from us. My squad has been with me through hell. I hand selected them myself from the Academy ten years ago. All of them graduated with top honors. I led these beans through three tours of duty, accumulating a total of 15 Medals of Honor, 11 Purple Hearts. Sure, we lost a few good beans... But you should see what we did to the other bloke. Well, then we went into business for ourselves. Escort detail for high-level dignitaries, Hostage extraction, corporate assassinations, preemptive surgical strikes, Or just plain search and destroy. Heck, we even robbed a few federal banks with business with slow. So... So this little shindig we got here... Oh, it's nothing. It's just a walk in the park. Are you going to say something or what? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I must have totally zoned out on you. Whoa, my eyes are starting to water. Whoo! Sorry. Let's make one thing clear. Last night was a party. Tonight, I get to work! Decaffeinated. Oh well. It was worth a try. This is not a good idea. We should kill him now. Patience, Vagan. I need answers. I need answers from him. He's awake. So. This is the great Killer Bean. Yeah. You attack my warehouses. You kill my beans. What do you want from me?! My guns would be nice. Better enjoy a while it lasts, tough guy. Tough words from a bean who is helpless. Ohhh... No, you did not! Okay. Maybe you did. What do you want, Killer Bean? Who are you working for? What. You expect me to just blurt it all out? My nephew was at the Baker Street warehouse when you attacked it, okay. I think you owe me an explanation. Your nephew? Hmm... Your nephew... He was such a good boy. He wanted to be a DJ as some big nightclub. I told him, someday I'll buy you your own my club. As long as you sell my drugs there. Eh, the profit sharing we never agreed on. But you know, he was such a sweet kid. Oh yeah. Yeah remember him. He was the one playing the music. He always loved his music. Well, he's dead now. Kill this bean. He's wasting my time. It's about time. How does it feel to be killed, by your own gun? Funny... I was about to ask you the same thing. Are we done playing games for today? Finally... Dispatch. This is Cromwell. Roger, Detective Cromwell. I need backup. I'm at 43rd and Main Street. Right away, sir. There's no rush. I got time. Cromwell out. How dare you! How dare you come onto my property, looking to kill me! Who do you think you are? Hate to burst your bubble, Cappuccino... but I'm not here to kill you. What? I'm here to kill him. You just got in my way. I don't understand. You want to kill him? Not me? What the hell is going on? Just shoot him already. It's complicated. Why don't you just beat it. No. I'm quite interested to knowing why. Fine. You wanna die to? Believe me, it's no trouble at all. Actually, uh... I think that my estimated taxes are due soon. I like to stay on top of that stuff. Good idea. Oh. By the way. Vagan? You're fired!! It's about time they sent someone with some talent after me. Nothing but the best for you, Dark Bean. Yeah. I guess they finally learned it's gonna take the best. What the hell is going on? You were one of the Shadow Agency's top beans. I used to look up to you. Now I have to kill you. Why did you betray us, Dark Bean? I didn't betray anyone. The Shadow Agency betrayed me. What? You're the one who destroyed our database, and stole years of intelligence work. How could you do that? And how could you go from policing the world to running guns for this two-bit gangster? Why did you join the Shadow Agency, Killer Bean? To get rid of the trash in this world, one bullet at a time. Yeah, we all joined for the same reason. But when I joined the Shadow Agency 12 years ago, It was more clear cut. Our job was to neutralize threats, while the politicians were paralyzed in diplomatic bullshit. That's just the way I like it. Times have changed. The agency was always privately controlled, But originally we always worked with the government to protect our citizens. Then it all changed. I'm not sure what caused the shift but now, we're just guns for hire, providing services to the highest bidder. Anyone with the right amount of money can buy the talents of the Shadow Beans. On one mission, I was asked to protect some rich dictator. On another, I assassinated an opposing leader. It didn't matter what we did. The Shadow Agency always convinced us that what we did was for the right reasons. But before I left, they had me deliver weapons to the very group of beans I had spent several years trying to take down. That was it for me. Do you expect me to believe any of this? All I know is that you breached the agency's security, and stole years of intelligence work. I didn't steal anything. All the information I took was mine. I wasn't about to give up 12 years of sweat and blood. I needed it to continue my work. And exactly how does serving Cappuccino continue your work? Cappuccino is a major player in the weapons market. Posing as his lackey puts me on the inside. I can find out who wants what, who sells what, and where the big threats are. But unlike at the Shadow Agency, I can finally kill the beans who deserve to be killed. You got yourself a few more minutes of life with that story, Dark Bean. But you can't out talk my trigger finger. It doesn't matter if you believe me or not. This is probably your last mission. If I don't kill you, the Shadow Agency will. What the hell are you talking about? I'm one of their best Shadow Beans. Why would they want me dead? The Shadow Agency knows I could expose them. Any agent that comes in contact with me is compromised. And from what I've been hearing, You've been a liability to the agency since the day you started. Seeing the mess you made last night confirms that the Shadow Agency has a hard time controlling you. They must know you joined for the same reasons I did. They know it's only a matter of time before you find out the truth about them. And if they can't control you now, how will they control you when you do find out? It's smarter for them to diffuse you now, before you become a bigger problem. If they wanted me dead, then why even send me on this mission? You said it yourself. You're one of their best. They tried to kill me before. They sent Shadow Beans after me twice. They both failed. Think about it, Killer Bean. They want us both dead, and we're hard to kill. Regardless of the outcome of this mission, the agency gets what they want. Because one of us will be eliminated. No, no. You're lying. I'm not gonna believe you. I won't believe a word you say. I had to take the shot. I would have done more with my life than you ever will. Doesn't matter now. We're both dead beans. Dispatch. This is Cromwell. Where's my backup? 6 squad cars eta 3 minutes, 2 special assault units in 5. Get me more. How many, sir? Everyone. Yes? Yes, I am here. 'Deactivated' And who is the target? 'Deactivated' No. No problem at all. I've always wanted to meet him. I'll call you when the job is done. 'Secure Connection' Drop your guns! Put em down, now! It's not gonna end like this. Drop your guns! Whoa, whoa ,whoa! Easy, hold your fire! Finally brought some backup, huh. Yeah. Does this satisfy your ego? What do you want, Cromwell? Coming to see if I did your dirty work? He's right over there. Yeah, he's dead all right. But you didn't kill him. He did. What does it matter? You got the results you wanted. Now just step aside and let me by. Let you by? You're the key to this whole mess. If I let you go, I'll never find out about the Shadow Agency, or the Shadow Beans. I can't help you. Why not? You are Shadow Bean, aren't you? Not anymore. They're coming after you, aren't they. Don't shoot! Hold your fire! If you tell me what I need to know, I can protect you. I highly doubt that. I can at least give you a place to stay tonight. Let me help you, Killer Bean. There is nothing you can do that will help me. But I do need a quiet place to think. Not exactly what I had in mind, but this will do. Make yourself at home. This will keep you safe for the night. Hell, it'll probably keep us safe too. I don't plan on staying long. I'll be back in the morning. We have a lot to talk about. Who were these guys? I'd like to know where they get guns like this. Hey, don't touch that stuff. You know better than that. You're contaminating the evidence. I don't think we're going to have a shortage of evidence here. Whoa, hold it! This is a crime scene. No one is allowed on the premises. Yeah. Nobody ordered no egg foo yung here. Where is Killer Bean? Killer Bean? We put his ass in the slammer. Wait. Who are you? Let me put it in a language you can understand. So sorry. No chow mein here. You deliver wrong place. Get your hands in the air! Put them up, now! Now put your hands on your head, drop to your knees. Commander. Thanks for your help. I'm turning in for the night. I'll be back in the morning. Right, sir. We'll be here when you get back. Excellent. What do we got here? Just some punk bean we caught assaulting an officer. Well he sure picked the wrong night to do that. Take him in. Hold it! Another move, and we drop you! Take him out! These are very nice guns. Are you sure you want to do that? You need them more than I do. So you're the bean they sent to kill me. Mmm hmm. Who are you? I am Jet Bean. Assassin from the East. I completed my mission. Why do they want me dead? They don't tell me why. And I don't ask. They decided to kill me the moment they sent me on this mission, didn't they. That's what Dark Bean told me. The agency knew that once I found out the truth about them, they couldn't trust me. They were right. Save your breath, Killer Bean. You're going to need it. Don't you know what the Shadow Agency is? Don't you realize how they're using us? I can see you've been brainwashed by Dark Bean. He was a fool. No one Shadow Bean can threaten the agency. But I'm no Shadow Bean. I certainly hope you trained harder than that. Well... At least you're in the fighting mood now. You have been a formidable opponent. I am sorry I have to end this game. You already tried that. It's over. Not for you. 'Secure Connection' Jet Bean, is your mission complete? Jet Bean is dead. Killer Bean... I learned a lot about the Shadow Agency today. And it's not for me. I quit. Don't be rash. Think about what you are doing. Why don't you come in? We can talk things over. Oh, I'm coming in. But it won't be for talking. This will do.

    My favourite memory from school

      Every day, right after the pledge of allegiance and before the morning announcements, teacher would have us line up single-file clockwise around the room so we each got a fair chance to threaten to murder her with our guns. If you forgot your handgun at home that day, or your mom forgot to pack it for you, you didn’t get to threaten teacher’s life and instead had to clean out the chalkboard erasers while watching your friends and peers shove weapons in your teacher’s face. That was the worst, when mom would forget to pack my gun, because I hated cleaning those erasers. They always irritated my sinuses.

      Found in r/Dreams:

        I had a dream where, no joke, there where two sequels to “The Bee Movie”
        
        The second was a legitimately amazing movie about Barry B. Benson growing up to be a father and dealing with the complexity of raising two children, who had grown emotionally distant and slowly working to empathize and understand his children more and to stop being an emotionally abusive father. Slowly coming to accept and develop from his internalized homophobia. It won 2 Oscars.
        
        The third was some cheese spy comedy as bad as the first movie, where the F.Bee.I. recruit Barry to sort out an international terror agency of wasps lead by Osama Bee Lardin.

        every young adult novel ever

          Sylla Fairchild combs her long, dark hair as she looks into the mirror. A dirty, broken piece of glass that was once a mirror anyway. This isn’t like her. Since when has Sylla cared what her hair looked like? It’s always been as wild as she is. And for all her sixteen years she’s preferred books and building bots to all else. But this time she has to go. This time it matters.
          
          The Debut may be her only chance to escape her genus, to get out of these tunnels. The right suitor could indeed wisp her away from this place, taking her with him off to one of his estates in the ocean or cloud cities. Then she scoffs. Sylla being courted by one of the Brahmins? She hasn’t even ascended yet, and her only benefaction seems to be invisibility to boys.
          
          Sylla gets up, meaning to go tell her parents that she has no intention of attending the Debut.
          
          “But the possibilities if she’s selected!” her father speaks. Jakeb Fairchild has always been a firebrand, constantly ranting against the Brahmin and the Realignment. He’s been beaten, arrested, and Sylla was sure one day one he’d be killed. She loves and hates him for that. She loves his courage, and hates that sometimes it seems he cares more about his politics than he does his family.
          
          Sylla stops where she is. “Oh, Jakeb,” her mother speaks wearily. “Sylla is many things… but the type a Brahmin would peck from the tunnels as a trophy to be waltzed up top? That’s not our girl.”
          
          Sylla’s face turns red. She knows she’s not the most beautiful girl of her genus, but to hear it from her own mother hurts. She’s angry with herself too; angry that such a simple truth spoken without malice could cut so deep. She turns back around and climbs into her cube. She opens her desk drawer and locates a pair of long-neglected scissors. She picks up the same piece of broken and glass and begins clipping away at wild and weyward strands of hair.
          
          She can do this. All she has to do is win the heart of a Brahmin and blow up the system from the inside. One way or the other, Sylla promises herself that she’ll never spend another night in these tunnels.

          Written in response to a furry comic on a video game subreddit.

            I have viewed various pieces of hardcore gay pornographic material, yet none of them have been as gay as this fucking image. You have taken something normal and respectable, and have shat all over it with your furry, “owospeak” garbage. This makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I have purchased 500 gallons of nitric acid in order to disintegrate me and everything I own because of this image. I am willing to bet my life savings you are not allowed anywhere near a preschool. Fuck.

            Mainstream reddit memes in a nutshell

              When the school shooter comes for you but then the autistic kid communist Jew says reddit moment 420 69 and everyone says nice and it’s wholesome 100 Keane Reeves bob ross Steve Irwin Stefan Karl stefanson but then the Instagram normies say that tik Tok and fortnite are good and they like kpop so you beat them to death and then play minecraft but then 2020 has cornea virus and world war 3 and bushfires and flood because boomers are bad but then it’s your cake day and everyone needs to give you upvoted but no one gives you upvoted and you have no friends so you ask out your crush with baby yoda because baby yoda is wholesome but she says no but you then you sneak 100 and destruction 100 stonks and your post gets more than 7 upvoted and it gets to hot but someone is using light mode and they don’t sort by new or downvote ads so you kill them but then you realise that they hate cardi b and rap music but they like dubstep and anime music so you press F to pay respect and 69 other fellow redditors upvote you and then joker falls down the at airs and gets hit by a car and the feminists get triggered because you say that joker is now a girl because she has long hair and you hit a girl because equal rights equal fights and you post it in your sjw and triggered feminist freak out and getting rekt compilation v47 tumblr edition and then you post it in YouTube because Disney is bad but you buy Disney plus so you can see baby yoda and then you buy a baby yoda funko pop but then you see that there is life sized baby yoda so you waste your college funds on it but you blame it on the boomers because they made everything hard for you and the world is gonna end in 2030 because of global warming so you joking Greta thunberg and she ok boomers trump but then trump starts ww3 with Iran and you’re gonna get drafted so you John the Area 51 raid to be safe but then the HK protestors need your help you post Fuck China in reddit and the Chinese government stops oppressing them because reddit is epic and we always solve problems by posting about them, just like how we solved global warming and destruction 100d Nestle but then the you eat with a plastic straw and every redditor downvoted you but then they realise that Elon musk will turn 69 on 4/20/69 so they say Nice abdnmakebit national nice day but then a cyber truck crashes into a building because you realised that the date is actually 9/11 so you subscribe to pewdiepie and tell the gamers to rise up but then the mobile gamers rise up so you start to beat them but then they play minecraft so it’s ok but then they also have fornite so you kill all of them because you’re all mad lads and your all mans if sheer fucking will and you donate to team trees to celeberate but it’s ended already but you make happiness noises because they reached 20 million but then you go on a crusade to take back to holy lands and then you get Bf Chungus and Ugandan buckles to join you but then the doctors see apples and they get scared so you get pewdiepies legs and he rates you big pp but then the quiet kid reaches for his bag but he accidentally takes Ahmed’s bag and then they bomb Japan and Pearl harbour and then your dad comes back 15 minutes later with the milk and he signs the divorce paper with your mom and they argue over who gets custody over you because neither of them want you and you’re the reason for their divorce but then Danny Doritos and shrek come rescue you and they take care of you and you get to browse reddit all day and it’s a happy wholesome 100 ending and then you post something on reddit and it gets a silver, gold and platinum but then a normie uses emojis in the comments so you call the emoji police and they get arrested epic style and then keena reaves comes and says wow that was a wholesome 100 moment and he says that you get what you fucking deserve and he calls you breathtaking and you realise he just did a speech 100 destruction 100 because that’s what heroes do but your normie friend double taps on a post and asks what’s so good about it so you say that you wouldn’t get it but then somebody reposts your meme and it gets to hot so you tell the reddit gang and they all downvote the post but then the teacher tells everybody to stay calm because the school is on fire and then the kid named calm does the funny mike wazowski face and you make into a meme on reddit but then the Alabama kid gets his sister pregnant and a kid says that he think Keane reeves isn’t wholesome and that minecraft isn’t good and that fortnite is better so you and your epic reddit hang send him death threats as a punishment for not being wholesome but then there’s baby yoda butbevwyone forgets about baby scooby and baby peanut and baby spongebob and bbaby gary and the Americans measure in football fields per hamburger because America is dumb and the floor is made out of floor and a minute passes in Africa and this is a tree because of the way it is and it’s illegal to be a criminal in Sweden and then pewdipie makes Swedish meatballs for everyone but then the fire alarm goes off and the special ed kids start dancing and then the people in the drug commercials are happy and the Oompa Loompas are dancing because a kid died and a footballer fell down so the cheerleaders are also dancing but then you do something that scares Satan and then somebody says we so it’s now communist 100 and all of the epic redditors are depressed and have no friends but that’s what makes us epic redditors but then you accidentally step on your dogs tail and he won’t forgive you but he’s a good boy and your cat is a floofe and a chonker but then you remember that vegans are bad and mark zucceberg is a lizard and then you teach the parrots at the pets store and little kids to say the n word and the f word and you run away and then the girls locker rooms are stupid and boring but the boys locker rooms are funny and quirky and then guacamole nibba penis and the teacher has HIV and the girl with all A+ starts panicking and then the guy in the maths book buys 42069 watermelons and then there's boomer memes and millenial memes but gen z memes are the wackiest and stonks and helth and myoosic and then everyone liked that and then you shit in the school toilets