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Dear Pesky Plumbers

    Dear pesky plumbers, the Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom. The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my seven Koopa hotels! I dare you to find her if you can!
    Nice of the princess to invite us over for a picnic, eh Luigi? I hope she made lots of spaghetti! Luigi, look! It's from Bowser..
    
    "Dear pesky plumbers, the Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom. The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my seven Koopa hotels! I dare you to find her if you can!"
    
    We gotta find the princess! And you gotta help us!
    
    If you need instructions on how to get through the hotels, check out the enclosed instruction book.

    Bob is building an army dislike button

      
      ░░░░░███████ ]▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄      Bob is building an army.
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      ░░░░░███████ ]▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄ Bob is building an army.
      ▂▄▅█████████▅▄▃▂ This tank & Bob are against
      █████████████████ ☻ removing the dislike button
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      We’ve been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle’s extended warranty.

        We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty.
        We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty. You should've received a notice in the mail about your car's extended warranty eligibility. Since we've not gotten a response, we're giving you a final courtesy call before we close out your file. Press 2 to be removed and placed on our do-not-call list. To speak to someone about possibly extending or reinstating your vehicle's warranty, press 1 to speak with a warranty specialist.

        Dr Squatch Soap

          Listen up, the soap you shower with, is sh*t. You probably haven't even questioned what bar of soap you lather up with. Let's face it, most guys don't. They're still using whatever bar their mommy bought their little man. Is that what you want--to smell like mama's little man? But now, you can upgrade your shower game with Dr. Squatch natural soap. I'm talking about natural, nourishing, cold pressed, hand cut soap for men. Men who use their hands, men who build things. Men who open the pickle jar on the first try. Men who catch foul balls without spilling their beer. You won't just smell good either. Your skin will be healthier and more nourished, dare I say, soft. Oh, men aren't supposed to have soft skin? Yeah, men weren't supposed to cry during movies. And then they made the movie Rudy sniffles like a bitch. He's so little. You want to smell like the forest? Boom. Pine Tar. We've got you. You want to smell like the sea? Boom. Nautical sage. We've got you. You want to smell like you've just got off a boat in the Caribbean? Boom. Bay rum. We've got you. And with six more scents, we've got you covered no matter what kind of man you are. Now you're wondering, why have I been doing it wrong for so long? During the First World War, Big Soap started taking out all the NAAturaLLL ingredients, to make production cheaper and faster. They replaced all the natural stuff with chemicals. Chemicals like Sodium Laurel Sulphate, Parabens, and Dioxaine. Chemicals linked to depression, liver damage, cancer and low sperm count. And worst of all, dry skin. Ugh. Your poor balls, dry empty and sad. But there's good news. We make our soaps with natural ingredients from the Earth. Ingredients like oils, plants, goat's milk, greek yogurt, oatmeal, shea butter, and citrus. Nose nigga tries to steal oranges No! Turn your shower game up to 11. With the smooth lather of gold moss or the exfoiliating woodsy bliss that is Pine Tar, get ready to step out of the shower feeling alive. Still not sure? Here's a couple review from real customers. Joeseph Stalin says enter gay black guy this is the perfect bar of soap. It's like it was hand crafted in the North West forest by beautiful, tiny elves. Oh, tiny elves isn't enough for you? Well here's another review from Michael A enter dude who never hit puberty it makes you feel like you just stepped out of a mountain stream and squatch was there to hand you the towel. Time for you to get the right tool for the job, because you're worth it my friend. We ship it right to your door and with 100% sudisfaction guarantee, if its not the best bar of soap you've ever used, it's on us. Tens of thousands of men already soapscribe, which means that every month fresh new bars of Squatch show up at their door. Click the link for Dr. Squatch Natural Soap. Real soap, for real men. Or don't, and continue to be mommy's little helper.

          Alternate version

          Listen up, the soap you shower with? It's shit.
          
          You probably haven't even questioned what
          
          bar soap you lather up with.
          
          Lets face it. Most guys don't
          
          They're still using whatever bar their
          
          mommy bought for her little man.
          
          Is that you want? To smell like momma's
          
          little man?
          
          But now you can upgrade your shower game with
          
          Dr. Squatch Natural Soap.
          
          I'm talking about natural nourishing hand-cut soap
          
          for men.
          
          Men who use their hands.
          
          Men who build things.
          
          Men who open the pickle jar on the first try.
          
          Men who catch foul balls without spillin' their beer.
          
          You won't just smell good either.
          
          Your skin will be healthier and be more nourished.
          
          Dare I say? Soft.
          
          Oh, Men aren't supposed to have soft skin?
          
          Well, men weren't supposed to cry during movies.
          
          And then they made the movie Rudy.
          
          He's so little.

          Pasta o mentosie

            Drogie mirki. Piszę tę historię ku przestrodze wszystkim tym, którzy nie rozgryzają mentosów od razu po włożeniu do ust.
            
            Otóż ja i moja dziewczyna poszliśmy na studia do różny miast. Po miesiącu rozłąki zdecydowaliśmy się wreszcie spotkać, a jako że byłem bardzo szczęśliwy z tego powodu, postanowiłem zrobić jej minetę.
            
            Zawsze mi się to podobało, ale tym razem z jakiegos powodu jej cipka śmierdziała jak martwy papież, a smakowała jeszcze gorzej. Nie chciałem ją urazić, więc wziąłem mentosa. W trakcie lizania, przez przypadek wepchnąłem go w nią, ale na całe szczęście mam zręczne palce i szybko go wygrzebałem, włożyłem z powrotem do ust i rozgryzłem. Niestety to co znalazło się w moich ustach nie było mentosem. Był to guzek rzeżączki.
            
            (Należy tutaj zauważyć, że ów guzek był wielkości pierdolonego mentosa)
            
            Zamiast lodowej świeżości moje usta wypełniły się ropą. Zacząłem krzyczeć, rzygać i rzucać się po całym pokoju. Kiedy juz nie miałem czym już bełtać i przepłukałem usta, zażądałem żeby powiedziała mi o co tu kurwa chodzi. Okazało się że głupia suka zdradziła mnie z jakimś kolesiem w tydzień po wyjeździe i nawet nie miała pojęcia, że coś z nią nie tak.
            
            Od tamtego czasu siedzę w mojej piwnicy, lecząc rzeżączkę w ustach i edukuję ludzi na temat prawidłowej konsumpcji mentosów. 

            Translated version

            Dear mirki. I am writing this story as a warning to all those who do not chew their mentos immediately after putting them in their mouths.
            
            Well, my girlfriend and I went to study in different cities. After a month of separation, we finally decided to meet, and as I was so happy about it, I decided to give her a cunnilingus.
            
            I've always liked it, but this time for some reason her pussy smelled like a dead pope and tasted even worse. I didn't want to offend her, so I took Mentos. In the process of licking, I accidentally shoved it into her, but luckily my fingers were dexterous and I quickly dug it out, put it back in my mouth and chewed it. Unfortunately, what was in my mouth was not a Mentos. It was a gonorrhea lump.
            
            (Note here that this lump was the size of a fucking Mentos)
            
            Instead of icy freshness, my mouth filled with pus. I started screaming, puking and throwing myself around the room. When I had nothing to argue with and rinsed my mouth, I demanded that she tell me what the fuck is going on here. It turned out that a stupid female dog cheated on me with some guy a week after we left and she had no idea there was anything wrong with her.
            
            Since then, I have been sitting in my basement treating gonorrhea in my mouth and educating people about the correct consumption of mentos.

            Navy seal copypasta (Original)

              The original Navy Seal copypasta
              What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.