When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Gimme gimme chicken tendies,
Be they crispy or from Wendys.
Spend my hard-earned good-boy points,
on Kid's Meal ball pit burger joints.
Mummy lifts me to the car,
To find me tendies near and far.
Enjoy my tasty tendie treats,
in comfy big boy booster seats.
McDonald's, Hardee's, Popeye's, Cane's,
But of my tendies none remains.
She tries to make me take a nappy,
But sleeping doesn't make me happy.
Tendies are the only food,
That puts me in the napping mood.
I'll scream and shout and make a fuss,
I'll scratch, I'll bite, I'll even cuss!
Tendies are my heart's desire,
Fueled by raging, hungry fire.
Mummy sobs and wails and cries,
But tears aren't tendies, nugs or fries.
My good-boy points were fairly earned,
To buy the tendies that I've yearned.
But there's no tendies on my plate!
Did mummy think that I'd just ate?
"TENDIES TENDIES GET THEM NOW,
YOU FAT, UNGRATEFUL, SLUGGISH SOW!"
I screech while hurling into her eyes,
My foul, bowel-dwelling diaper surprise.
For she who is un-pooped on is she who remembers:
Never forget my chicken tenders.
You wanna know what the dumbest creature on this fucking planet is? Moths. Let me tell you how fucking dumb these idiots are. They are nocturnal meaning they only come out at night but when they do they are attracted to light. Let that sink in. They come out in the dark... and the obsess over light. You fucking morons, haven't you heard of this thing called the sun? God I hate those stupid motherfuckers.
I know that a lot of people want to catch em' all, but my job is a much bigger challenge. It is my goal to masturbate to all 898 Pokemon, plain and simple. I usually try to do it twice a day, regardless of the difficulties. At the end, I always win. I go on places like Deviantart, rule 34 and, occasionally e621 in order to achieve this massive goal, and when I finally do, I will become a Pokemon Master. Sometimes, it is easy. I can come in five minutes looking at Gardevoir or Lopunny pornos. Sometimes I come across major challenges that I have to overcome, in the case of Garbodor and Magikarp especially. I have to imagine the wet, sloppy fish mouth sucking on my cock without thinking about the actual fish itself. It is very hard, but the satisfaction you get when you achieve victory is immense. Not only do you get the generally pleasurable feeling from ejaculation, but you also know that you overcame an obstacle few men have dared to try. I have a total of 347 successful ejaculations total, but it only gets harder as I move on. When I see a Serperior, for instance, I have to think to myself "In what way can I imagine this creature in order to get off to it?" It is a puzzle for sure, considering I do not have a thing for (most) of these creatures, making it extremely entertaining and interesting for others to watch. I try to focus in on its somewhat beautiful face, and think about that more than the yards of snake behind it. I sometimes have issues with Pokemon like Machamp, who appear extremely male. But I always find a way. There has been no hurdle too steep for me. I want to be the very best. Anything lower does not cut it. And that is why I am beating off to pictures of Lucario on the Internet, mom.
Now taking applications for a gf. You must be:
1. Female
2. Age 16-23
3. Japanese (exceptions will be made for white girls if small and skinny)
4. Willing to do as I ask
5. Have an IQ lower than mine (164)
6. Have 0 male friends
7. Cook 3 meals for me a day
8. Be willing to split the bill on a date
9. Be into kinky stuff (will discuss in PM)
10. Send nudes every day I do not see you nude in person
11. Have sex with me as I ask
12. Be on birth control (condoms make me feel trapped, I simply can’t find anything that fits)
13. Ideally not have a job
14. Install a tracking app on your phone so that I know your location at all points
I am a kind gentlemen who will protect you at all times and in return all i ask is you pledge yourself to me. Please message me if you feel you fit this quota.
I found some condoms in my parents room and I wanted a no mess fap so I kinda went for it. I was really in the moment when I heard my mom's car pull up. So I just tried to finish as fast as possible. I finished in the condom, it was pretty great, but before I could get rid of it my mom knocked on the door, which scared the fuck out of me because I thought she somehow knew about, so I panicked and threw it in her gym bag and quickly opened the door to her. a few hours later I heard my mom sobbing and screaming at my dad over the phone, and me and my brother have to stay at my aunts house now. She thinks my dad is cheating or something and I fear that they may be getting a divorce or something. The whole thing is so messed up and it kinda turns me on, but that's probably just the condoms I used lol. What should I do? I'm so scared and embarrassed at the same time.
